Groundless

I woke up in a panic this morning. I didn't have an agenda. I didn't plan my whole day out to the minute like I have been. I had a suggestion/request from my partner to run an errand which I will do. But that's as far as I have planned.

I feel like I am in the deep end of the swimming pool and momentarily forgot how to swim and can't feel the bottom of the pool under my feet. I am groundless.

I have felt like this many times before but I quickly forced an agenda..to avoid the discomfort of feeling groundless. I am no longer doing that. Solid ground under my feet is an illusion. my authenticity is about what I do when I feel groundless. What do I do? I move along. I recognize now that feeling groundless is a form of fear.

I take three deep breaths; mindfully balancing, centering and focusing. I take a look around me and see where I am in the NOW. I circulate my aura and connect with my "Inner Guidance", my "Power Animal" and initiate Reiki.
Then I notice, feeling nothing solid under my feet, causes me to live from minute to minute, step by step, open to everything. Scary stuff but pretty awesome.


I am back and I have more to say about feeling "groundless". My mindful decision to move along without the solid ground of direction worked out in the strangest way. I have been searching for Reiki groups and Reiki shares since I moved here. I went to the Health Food Store (which took me weeks to find but finally I found it a couple of weeks ago..yay)

I bought some b-day present for the sister who is turning 50 something on Friday and who will be coming to see me. I browsed through the little bulletin board and couldn't find any listings for Reiki shares. The girl working there asked me what I was looking for...and I told her.

She said," Do you do Reiki?" I said, "oh yes". She beamed and told me in June she is planning to have a mini festival in the parking lot with massage therapist, yoga instructors and she would love it if I would come and do Reiki because so few people do it in this area. So she took my name and number and asked me to get on Vista and have some business cards done and bring some in.

Ok...I am doing that. Awesome. I was thinking if I found enough people interested in learning Reiki, I have enough room here I could handle 5 people or so at a time. But that is for another day to think over. Today I went, got my elderberry tea and b-day presents...And I came home and ordered my business cards.

All because I "leaned in" to my feeling of groundlessness. Awesome!

When I Gotta Downshift, I Know I Am Heading Uphill, Again

Yesterday I wrote quite a long blog. It was called; I want the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me Goddess/God/Creator. It was about me coming to the place that I just want to know the truth about myself. What I like and what I don't like. What I think about things regardless what anyone else thinks. I want to excavate the most authentic me possible.

And it disappeared. That never happens. I have actually started to write a blog, got the feeling it wasn't going anywhere and stopped and guess what? It was saved. But this was complete and it is gone.

Sooooo I will assume the "Inner Guidance" ..the Universe or whoever is running this show didn't want me to write that.

I will try this.

I have loved my time in West Virginia. It has been difficult at times, lonely, confusing, anxiety producing but deeply satisfying in a way I cannot explain. I have developed a routine of sorts to do the humungous amount of yard work and housework while I am not working and my partner is. I got a rhythm and felt it was coming right along. I was focused on it to the point that both my inner self and my partner was beginning to suspect I was obsessed. They were correct. Well partially so.

I think I am like a dog. Give me a job to do and I will focus on it until I drop or it is done. Whichever comes first. I don't believe that is what my Inner Guidance wanted me to work on here for the healing work I am engaging in. I am merely replacing one set of obsessive task orientated drives for another. There is a difference between forcing yourself to do a certain set of tasks..and doing what needs to be done and feeling satisfaction.

When I am engaged in the "driven" obsessive work..nothing appears right and I get involved with the feeling that I can never accomplish enough. Last week I had a feeling I should stop..an inner niggling to do what needs to be done sans the rigid obsessive drive. When I am in this mode I am not open to other things coming up that I need to focus on.

Well now I have to ..it hit me in the face. Not only have I hit a kind of physical/emotional dilemma..but I can feel my Inner Guidance urging me to "get a hold of myself". I have a sprained knee (a knee I am already having problems with to begin with) and another problem I don't even want to talk about here because it is embarrassing. Also I have hit a kind of emotional quicksand. I am stuck in a place that does not feel good. So I am forced to get a hold of myself. Take a few breaths, take a look around to see where exactly I am standing. And regroup.

The big clue really hit when I got a panic feeling that I wanted the house and the yard to look perfect when my sisters and daughter come next Friday. I kind of caught myself thinking this and was shocked. What? They don't care what it looks like. They are coming so we can be together and have a good time. I gave that up in a hurry. Dang.

Part of the regrouping is dealing with my anxiety about a job. That I want to find one is the truth. I want to contribute financially so we can have a little extra funds for traveling etc..I am not going to get into all the details of this now ..but I am staying with the anxiety. I won't try to escape.

At this moment; after getting a hold of myself, I am taking my day in stride. No more crushing schedules of getting stuff done. I will do it..it will get done fine without my obsessive preoccupation. I did make dinner..for me and my partner..Swept the back porch. That is a place I love to sit and look outside.

I wiped the kitchen down with bleach and swept. Pulled a few weeds. And all the time I was open to myself...Not blocking it all with an obsessive drive to "Get er done" gah!

Because I realized what I was doing was a form of escape. To take my focus from where it should be. To make a routine to replace the one I gave up in Virginia.

I can sense an uphill climb coming. How do I know? I have had to downshift. Uphill climbs are good. You see, learn and remember some awesome stuff. It's difficult ...this is true but worth it.

Sorry for the rambling. This is the truth of me today. Sooo..that's how it comes out.

I Want the Truth, the Whole Truth and Nothing but the Truth; so help me God/Goddess/Creator of All

I have been contemplating my inner mechanisms for some time now. And last night, spurred by emotional stimuli that probably resulted by my self[-musing; I came to a place inside me that wants the truth about me. What is my truth? What do I want and what do I need. Now, I have an idea but I don't know what the truth is behind these ideas.

I feel I am being Guided...and as I move down this course of my life I am noticing so many things I never noticed before. And it appears to be a "connect the dots" kind of thing. Where one thing leads to another thing and so on until a shape begins to develop. Acceptance brought me here..to this place where I am now facing myself down and asking, (respectfully, of course, cause I am my own best friend now..I am trying anyway) "What are your truths?" If I can get to the nitty gritty about what my truths are...It will help me along this path I am on immensely. And now is the time. I sense this inner prodding that prompted this urgent desire.

Processing my emotions and Acceptance has helped bring me to this place. I know more about myself than I ever did. And I no longer feel like the helpless victim of my emotions and ego (they tend to gang up on me sometimes, but that's just me) In the face of very intense distracting emotions, ego uprisings and anxiety I am able to get a hold of myself, utilize the tools I have learned (remembered) and dig out something beneath the mess that's worth keeping.

I am ready to begin excavating my personal truths. These will help me determine how to live my life in an authentic way. That is what I want.

But first I have to know what I want, as specifically as possible, and what I don't want.
Equally important.

I know I can only evolve and process what is inside of me. I am wise enough after all these years to get I can only change people and environments within me. And that means my attitude and approach to people and environments.

I don't want to limit myself, or tear down a road that is not my truth but a preconditioned idea of what my truth should be. I want the authentic truth about what I want and need to live an authentic life.

It won't be easy and it may take some time to continue the excavation of my self. But I am closer than I have ever been. I am close enough to know that the only person or thing that stands in the way of what I want, what I need, the most authentic and satisfying life possible for me in this realm at this time, is me. I want to be and to live as I am meant to, according to my deeper purpose.

Unsettling yes...but it is also an exhilarating feeling to get to this point.

End of the Day Summary

It was another beautiful day. And Thanks BE I feel so much better. I got up at 830 am..after sleeping so many hours. I had coffee..tested the waters of my tummy and it was good! The day called me outside. So while my partner slept (after he got home from work) I took my dog and we walked out my side yard all the way to the back where the outbuildings are..and raked brush and debris away from the building and the doors. Found the Roto-tiller and rolled it out. (and it looks to be ancient) I rolled it back to the garage. Not an easy feat but I did it.

I rested a bit after this and did other chores around the house and cooked dinner. Then I got ready to go to my aunt's house. After my love left for work I drove over to see her for a spell.

I came home and have been thinking a lot. About where I am going. I feel like I am headed somewhere but it is so different than anyplace I have been. It's hard to put into words.
I am moving steadily towards something big. I can feel it in me and but I can't name it or recognize it. It's a direction that I am headed that feels soo right. But how could that be?

The sense of this is so strong in me that I am going to trust it. And go with it. It feels like I am following the truest part of me to what I truly need and want in this life. It is not clear enough to me yet..at least in my conscious mind.

Tonight I was pondering this. I asked my "Inner Guidance" what is the next move? I always ask that everyday. I get answers but it is like flashes of a movie in my head..of me doing something or words that rise up in my inner vision..like reading in my head. In a crazy way..it's best if you don't ask cause if I try to explain it sounds crazier than it is. It just is.

The interesting thing about asking my Inner Guidance for direction..I do get answers..and it is always very immediate and very practical..for the most part..and then all of a sudden the answers take a sudden turn. Well everyday this week I asked as I usually do. Kind of recapping the day and what needs to be done. I usually get things like washing a load of clothes, reading a book, walk the dog, take care of something (like the car insurance last night. another story for another day). Tonight it was to watch television. So I did..I flipped through the channels and didn't feel any particular feeling until I got to Bravo I think it is..and there was a show on about Bethany Frankel. My Inner Guidance made it clear that this is what I needed to watch.

And it was interesting. I used to watch the Housewives thingie when it first started..that's where I first saw Bethany on television. After a couple of shows I just stopped...And because I had preconditioned myself to think that anyone or anything previously associated with that would be shallow and silly. Wrong..oh yeah I was wrong.

I watched her show and it was about her traveling to different cities to talk about her new book about getting through life in a better way. Well I am all about that. The book is called, "A Place of Yes".

Ok...I turn on the show and she is in an auditorium filled with women of all ages, shapes and sizes and she said," Break the chain" and "All roads lead to Rome" and my Inner Guidance is making it really clear that they want me to pay attention and to obtain her book.

Now, I find that odd because my Inner Guidance rarely urges me to read books. It is part of the breaking up the cycle of preconditioning in me. Anyway..I ordered the book. I read all the time but mostly murder mysteries. Very few metaphysical books. Except for the incident a few days ago. hmmmmm..

Well..that's all I have to say. I am still moving...step by step down my road. Can't tell for sure where I am headed..but it's ok...The way is pretty good.

Night

A Contemplative Day

My life is so much more peaceful right now than I can ever remember. I am filled with Gratitude that I have time and space to move along at my own pace. To take time to contemplate and meditate when I feel the urge.

Oh, and I did find that book again. It was back in the bookshelf. I found it today. Hmmm...I am not even going to think about how or why it showed up. I showed my Significant personage and he laughed when I asked if he put it there. I took that as a yes and began to get wound up about how I searched and searched for it. He swears he did not touch it..he just finds me amusing when I get worked up over things. Well so the mystery remains.

Anyhow that's for another day. As I was saying. I meditated a lot today. I went to Beckley and took my library books back, stopped at the health food store and splurged on my fave elderberry tea which I am pleased to say is available. And I found the incense I like to burn.

As I mentioned before, the love of my life is supporting me financially right now and we are on a tight budget. Like kids starting out instead of middle aged people. ha! It's kind of fun. And we have a beautiful place to live..so much greenness. The mountains are breathtaking. I love them!


I signed up for some free water aerobics and free yoga. Wow...because I am over 50! Again, I thank God, Goddess, Creator for these blessings. I still haven't found a Reiki share group. But I will. And anyway I give Reiki all day long. I am really looking forward to when I am guided to Teach it.

I finally got my WV nursing license in the mail today. With a notice that it must be renewed immediately. What? I just got it. Oh well..I went ahead..got online and renewed it. Acceptance and all of that.

I am pleased with the life we are making here. It's still all new and different ..unsettling and sometimes anxiety producing but I am where I am supposed to be. I don't know what for but I am here. I am living and moving under Guidance. However, that does not mean that I don't have those days, moments and minutes when I get anxious, impatient, fearful and bitchy.

I purposely and mindfully made the decision when I was in my 40's to make friends and embrace my "dark side". To stop shoving her away but to allow her to work with my whole being. To utilize the gifts my dark side brings to me. That was a great step for me but there are days when I fall into the old pattern and wham. You know the drill. But I am aware and its ok. I will keep working with and merging with my "dark side". We need each other.

One thing I do know is the atmosphere of the "Inner Planes" is heightened. I am receiving large influxes of energy when I meditate. I don't know what it means. But I am remaining mindful.
On the other hand in the physical realm I find the energies fluctuating more than usual. With an undertone of electrical heaviness that is more pronounced than before.

I wanted to sit down for a few minutes and just quietly go over the tarot cards. I don't generally do readings anymore at least for myself. I sometimes just lay cards down that I feel I need to and gaze at them. They have a language all of their own and the pictures tell me stories..Not necessarily what the books say. (I haven't been able to use tarot books for a few years to interpret the cards) The words come one at a time in my head..sometimes not words but flashes of scenes like a movie trailer. But today it was a no go. More and more my "Inner Guidance" is moving me away from using the cards. "They" seem to be urging me to develop a stronger inner discernment or something. I don't understand. I have faith that deep down I know but consciously I don't understand.

It always brings me back to something my "Guides" told me years ago. About the importance of: Do without doing, knowing without understanding why. I used to be so perplexed over this but I am starting to get it a little.

Contemplation for another day.