I found out what the anxiety was about on November 3. I was called away on that exact day to take care of some very painful and sorrowful business for someone I admire, respect and love a lot.
I have been in Philadelphia since November 3rd. I am in Virginia now and will be returning home to West Virginia tomorrow. My partner and I have added to our little animal family. A cat belonging to my dear friend in Philadelphia. A cherished friend who is actively dying.
She is not only someone I hold dear and close to my heart, she is also my partner's mother. A sad and confusing process it is to help someone sort things out in order for them to die well. A horrifically painful process to lose a mother.
It was so hard to leave her but everything is in place for her to peacefully and comfortably come to the end of life in this plane. I am not sure we will be able to return to her in time for her actual passing. But for now we have done everything we could possibly do to ensure her comfort and sense of security during this phase of her life.
We left her in good hands. A wonderful Hospice House outside of Philadelphia. We moved her from the hospital to the Hospice house 5 days ago and her horrible pain and nausea are under control. She is very sleepy but no pain and no nausea. She is surrounded by the things from home that she loves that we could fit in her room.
I could write and talk all day about the wonderful ways of Hospice but another time. Working out the circumstances to allow her to be cared for there was emotionally, physically and mentally draining. We are exhausted.
One thing you can be sure of; I used every tool my Guidance has given me to get through the last ten days. And it helped us both more than I would have ever believed.
Showing posts with label Spirituality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Spirituality. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
OMG I had another big realization
This focus on my projection patterns somehow brought up the issue of going back to nursing ..the way I was practicing before. It just isn't going to work. It gives me a sick feeling in my lower centers with a simultaneous sensation of relief in my heart.
As I have stated before, I love patient care. I love working with families and I am very good at it. But the rest; it is impossible to do and I realize it has literally taken chunks out of my inner self. The huge patient load..30 to 35...The huge amount of medications to administer at certain times.
During medication passes newly prescribed drugs were frequently not delivered at the time needed. That is unacceptable and I had to stop my medication pass and call the pharmacy and negotiate the fastest delivery.
That is not the worst. The documentation demands are immense and dangerous. If you don't document enough you increase your legal liability. If something goes wrong with a patient and you don't document correctly you can lose your license, be sued or go to jail.
If a patient becomes acutely ill, you have to stop your medication pass and other duties immediately and tend to this. If it takes a long time and usually it does...you get behind in your medication pass or treatments and you can get written up for untimely and incorrect medication administration. It is literally a medication error..times however many patients got their medication late because of the emergency.
The issue of being responsible for the narcotic drugs is one I take seriously and scrupulously. I am an advocate for frequent and random drug testing for nurses. But very few facilities ever practiced it UNLESS..drugs came up missing or the count was way off. And then every nurse who touched those keys in the previous 24 hours had to immediately show up (if they were off duty) or stop working and submit to drug testing. Until the results come back, we are all suspect and treated accordingly. It is so insulting to my spirit. I realize it is necessary but I do believe these types of events could be greatly diminished if drug testing was mandatory and frequent as a routine.
The nursing meeting were usually opportunities to bring down more mandates for more responsibilities, along with threats if they were not met. Also were discussions and complaints about how we were not doing enough.
My favorite exploitation was at the end of the shift...when I was avid and desperate to get out of there and at the last minute I would be told I had to stay. Indefinitely. The nurse taking over was not showing up and I would be there until they got a replacement. This happened so many times. It would make me want to collapse. But I did it. As long as I needed to. Sometimes for another whole shift.
Sometimes I got the feeling that we were so necessary that in order to control the situation, supervisors had to emphasis how expendable staff nurses are. Maybe I am projecting my own sense of frustration and futility with my profession. But this is how I perceived things.
I have taken supervisory positions and it didn't work for me. I was bombarded with calls nonstop and I had to be able to appear in the facility at a moment's notice. No excuses..I had to be there. It wasn't for me..I decided to stick with staff positions. So I could at least have a better chance of getting home at night and not being overwhelmed with phone calls.
I have been blessed in my career so much. It's like there was always an angel or something watching over me. I was always able to handle any issue that came up, my documentation was very very good and I was able to watch my back. I have worked with some really nasty backbiting characters but to be honest..most of the nurses I have worked with were honest, hard working, helpful. And that makes all the difference.
The days go fast and sometimes you feel like you accomplished a great deal or touched someone's life in a very meaningful way. But to be honest; at the end of my shift I was usually very exhausted and stressed from the pace and the immense challenges of the day. There were so many days that I literally couldn't talk or put a sentence together. Sometimes I would just cry all the way home. I would go home and try and pull myself together for another day.
I did this for many many years and I not only survived, I excelled. But I realized last night that I can no longer do this. Not the way I have practiced. The price is too great.
Nursing is such a noble profession...I am so admiring and respectful of all my fellow nurses. It is a necessary and wonderful service nurses provide...but the demands of it are too much for my psyche now.
And so it appears that I have not only left Virginia but maybe my career. I kind of had an idea about this and that is why I promised myself that I would only work at nursing part time...Now I am rethinking this. I don't think this type of nursing is acceptable to my spirit for even two or three days a week.
I will take what I love about it. Patient care and working with families. This I love. I am very good with helping families through catastrophic medical and emotional situations. I have been there and I know how they feel. I am supportive and sincere. I am very good with patients. I truly care about uplifting the wellbeing of someone suffering an illness. To help them improve and become well or support with dignity and comfort when it is their time to die. I am tireless and totally focused on this endeavor. But the rest...no!
So I will work with these attributes as I stumble in this, my new life. Healing is definitely my focus. I will, with the help of my Guidance, find a way to make a career at what I am passionate about. I am learning to know myself in a deeper way and love myself.
This is where I am right now.
As I have stated before, I love patient care. I love working with families and I am very good at it. But the rest; it is impossible to do and I realize it has literally taken chunks out of my inner self. The huge patient load..30 to 35...The huge amount of medications to administer at certain times.
During medication passes newly prescribed drugs were frequently not delivered at the time needed. That is unacceptable and I had to stop my medication pass and call the pharmacy and negotiate the fastest delivery.
That is not the worst. The documentation demands are immense and dangerous. If you don't document enough you increase your legal liability. If something goes wrong with a patient and you don't document correctly you can lose your license, be sued or go to jail.
If a patient becomes acutely ill, you have to stop your medication pass and other duties immediately and tend to this. If it takes a long time and usually it does...you get behind in your medication pass or treatments and you can get written up for untimely and incorrect medication administration. It is literally a medication error..times however many patients got their medication late because of the emergency.
The issue of being responsible for the narcotic drugs is one I take seriously and scrupulously. I am an advocate for frequent and random drug testing for nurses. But very few facilities ever practiced it UNLESS..drugs came up missing or the count was way off. And then every nurse who touched those keys in the previous 24 hours had to immediately show up (if they were off duty) or stop working and submit to drug testing. Until the results come back, we are all suspect and treated accordingly. It is so insulting to my spirit. I realize it is necessary but I do believe these types of events could be greatly diminished if drug testing was mandatory and frequent as a routine.
The nursing meeting were usually opportunities to bring down more mandates for more responsibilities, along with threats if they were not met. Also were discussions and complaints about how we were not doing enough.
My favorite exploitation was at the end of the shift...when I was avid and desperate to get out of there and at the last minute I would be told I had to stay. Indefinitely. The nurse taking over was not showing up and I would be there until they got a replacement. This happened so many times. It would make me want to collapse. But I did it. As long as I needed to. Sometimes for another whole shift.
Sometimes I got the feeling that we were so necessary that in order to control the situation, supervisors had to emphasis how expendable staff nurses are. Maybe I am projecting my own sense of frustration and futility with my profession. But this is how I perceived things.
I have taken supervisory positions and it didn't work for me. I was bombarded with calls nonstop and I had to be able to appear in the facility at a moment's notice. No excuses..I had to be there. It wasn't for me..I decided to stick with staff positions. So I could at least have a better chance of getting home at night and not being overwhelmed with phone calls.
I have been blessed in my career so much. It's like there was always an angel or something watching over me. I was always able to handle any issue that came up, my documentation was very very good and I was able to watch my back. I have worked with some really nasty backbiting characters but to be honest..most of the nurses I have worked with were honest, hard working, helpful. And that makes all the difference.
The days go fast and sometimes you feel like you accomplished a great deal or touched someone's life in a very meaningful way. But to be honest; at the end of my shift I was usually very exhausted and stressed from the pace and the immense challenges of the day. There were so many days that I literally couldn't talk or put a sentence together. Sometimes I would just cry all the way home. I would go home and try and pull myself together for another day.
I did this for many many years and I not only survived, I excelled. But I realized last night that I can no longer do this. Not the way I have practiced. The price is too great.
Nursing is such a noble profession...I am so admiring and respectful of all my fellow nurses. It is a necessary and wonderful service nurses provide...but the demands of it are too much for my psyche now.
And so it appears that I have not only left Virginia but maybe my career. I kind of had an idea about this and that is why I promised myself that I would only work at nursing part time...Now I am rethinking this. I don't think this type of nursing is acceptable to my spirit for even two or three days a week.
I will take what I love about it. Patient care and working with families. This I love. I am very good with helping families through catastrophic medical and emotional situations. I have been there and I know how they feel. I am supportive and sincere. I am very good with patients. I truly care about uplifting the wellbeing of someone suffering an illness. To help them improve and become well or support with dignity and comfort when it is their time to die. I am tireless and totally focused on this endeavor. But the rest...no!
So I will work with these attributes as I stumble in this, my new life. Healing is definitely my focus. I will, with the help of my Guidance, find a way to make a career at what I am passionate about. I am learning to know myself in a deeper way and love myself.
This is where I am right now.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Recharge
I meditated for a long while. It felt so good..like being away and returning home. It didn't immediately fix everything but it helped place things in a perspective I didn't see before.
Meditation to me is like an extended prayer in which more energy than words are used. It's like washing my insides and outsides out on all levels and stabilizing my core. I feel connected and my most authentic self. Because you can't hide what you are when exchanging energy with Higher
Sources/God/Goddess/Creator.
After I meditated; I made dinner while I wait for my partner to finish his sleep before he has to get up and get ready to return to work. Then I grabbed all my crystals from my altar and put them in a green bowl and cleansed them good with Reiki and then recharged them. I put them back and charged the grid. It feels great. Like a battery pulsating. I am listening to Arugama and burning my favorite incense.
At times it appears to me that I am so preoccupied with myself to the point of being self-centered. My "Inner Guidance" continues to help me remember that being occupied and centered in my self is where I need to be. From there I can expand. If I ignore it I get in my own way.
I don't know what will happen tomorrow or an hour for now. But for this moment in the NOW..I feel recharged, balanced and focused.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Broken
Sometimes I get so caught up in the physical "reality", the human condition and my ego and emotions I really feel this way. Dramatic? yeah..but it is my truth. Sometimes I lose my way. At one time it was the way I lived. Everyday felt like this. I am thankful that I only feel this way occasionally. To be isolated, disconnected and overwhelmed is a terrible feeling. One I am still familiar with enough to develop a truer compassion for those who struggle with these feelings daily. Like I did.
When I felt this disconnected and isolated; it felt like "Life," Physical Reality, Society in general was deliberately trying to knock me down everyday. It seemed the harder I tried, the harder I fell. And sometimes I just felt like giving up. Until I learned how to surrender. And there is a difference between giving up and surrendering. But that's another story for another day.
I know this song is about a failed love with a man..but for me it represented my seemingly failed relationship with life..and times I just wanted to curl up and stop trying.
I was one of the fortunate ones. With the help of God/Goddess/Creator, my Inner Guidance (Guides), my children and my sisters I was able to pull myself out of the mess I was in. And learn a lot about myself on the way. But still, there are days.
When I felt this disconnected and isolated; it felt like "Life," Physical Reality, Society in general was deliberately trying to knock me down everyday. It seemed the harder I tried, the harder I fell. And sometimes I just felt like giving up. Until I learned how to surrender. And there is a difference between giving up and surrendering. But that's another story for another day.
I know this song is about a failed love with a man..but for me it represented my seemingly failed relationship with life..and times I just wanted to curl up and stop trying.
I was one of the fortunate ones. With the help of God/Goddess/Creator, my Inner Guidance (Guides), my children and my sisters I was able to pull myself out of the mess I was in. And learn a lot about myself on the way. But still, there are days.
Groundless
I woke up in a panic this morning. I didn't have an agenda. I didn't plan my whole day out to the minute like I have been. I had a suggestion/request from my partner to run an errand which I will do. But that's as far as I have planned.
I feel like I am in the deep end of the swimming pool and momentarily forgot how to swim and can't feel the bottom of the pool under my feet. I am groundless.
I have felt like this many times before but I quickly forced an agenda..to avoid the discomfort of feeling groundless. I am no longer doing that. Solid ground under my feet is an illusion. my authenticity is about what I do when I feel groundless. What do I do? I move along. I recognize now that feeling groundless is a form of fear.
I take three deep breaths; mindfully balancing, centering and focusing. I take a look around me and see where I am in the NOW. I circulate my aura and connect with my "Inner Guidance", my "Power Animal" and initiate Reiki.
Then I notice, feeling nothing solid under my feet, causes me to live from minute to minute, step by step, open to everything. Scary stuff but pretty awesome.
I am back and I have more to say about feeling "groundless". My mindful decision to move along without the solid ground of direction worked out in the strangest way. I have been searching for Reiki groups and Reiki shares since I moved here. I went to the Health Food Store (which took me weeks to find but finally I found it a couple of weeks ago..yay)
I bought some b-day present for the sister who is turning 50 something on Friday and who will be coming to see me. I browsed through the little bulletin board and couldn't find any listings for Reiki shares. The girl working there asked me what I was looking for...and I told her.
She said," Do you do Reiki?" I said, "oh yes". She beamed and told me in June she is planning to have a mini festival in the parking lot with massage therapist, yoga instructors and she would love it if I would come and do Reiki because so few people do it in this area. So she took my name and number and asked me to get on Vista and have some business cards done and bring some in.
Ok...I am doing that. Awesome. I was thinking if I found enough people interested in learning Reiki, I have enough room here I could handle 5 people or so at a time. But that is for another day to think over. Today I went, got my elderberry tea and b-day presents...And I came home and ordered my business cards.
All because I "leaned in" to my feeling of groundlessness. Awesome!
I feel like I am in the deep end of the swimming pool and momentarily forgot how to swim and can't feel the bottom of the pool under my feet. I am groundless.
I have felt like this many times before but I quickly forced an agenda..to avoid the discomfort of feeling groundless. I am no longer doing that. Solid ground under my feet is an illusion. my authenticity is about what I do when I feel groundless. What do I do? I move along. I recognize now that feeling groundless is a form of fear.
I take three deep breaths; mindfully balancing, centering and focusing. I take a look around me and see where I am in the NOW. I circulate my aura and connect with my "Inner Guidance", my "Power Animal" and initiate Reiki.
Then I notice, feeling nothing solid under my feet, causes me to live from minute to minute, step by step, open to everything. Scary stuff but pretty awesome.
I am back and I have more to say about feeling "groundless". My mindful decision to move along without the solid ground of direction worked out in the strangest way. I have been searching for Reiki groups and Reiki shares since I moved here. I went to the Health Food Store (which took me weeks to find but finally I found it a couple of weeks ago..yay)
I bought some b-day present for the sister who is turning 50 something on Friday and who will be coming to see me. I browsed through the little bulletin board and couldn't find any listings for Reiki shares. The girl working there asked me what I was looking for...and I told her.
She said," Do you do Reiki?" I said, "oh yes". She beamed and told me in June she is planning to have a mini festival in the parking lot with massage therapist, yoga instructors and she would love it if I would come and do Reiki because so few people do it in this area. So she took my name and number and asked me to get on Vista and have some business cards done and bring some in.
Ok...I am doing that. Awesome. I was thinking if I found enough people interested in learning Reiki, I have enough room here I could handle 5 people or so at a time. But that is for another day to think over. Today I went, got my elderberry tea and b-day presents...And I came home and ordered my business cards.
All because I "leaned in" to my feeling of groundlessness. Awesome!
Friday, May 13, 2011
When I Gotta Downshift, I Know I Am Heading Uphill, Again
Yesterday I wrote quite a long blog. It was called; I want the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me Goddess/God/Creator. It was about me coming to the place that I just want to know the truth about myself. What I like and what I don't like. What I think about things regardless what anyone else thinks. I want to excavate the most authentic me possible.
And it disappeared. That never happens. I have actually started to write a blog, got the feeling it wasn't going anywhere and stopped and guess what? It was saved. But this was complete and it is gone.
Sooooo I will assume the "Inner Guidance" ..the Universe or whoever is running this show didn't want me to write that.
I will try this.
I have loved my time in West Virginia. It has been difficult at times, lonely, confusing, anxiety producing but deeply satisfying in a way I cannot explain. I have developed a routine of sorts to do the humungous amount of yard work and housework while I am not working and my partner is. I got a rhythm and felt it was coming right along. I was focused on it to the point that both my inner self and my partner was beginning to suspect I was obsessed. They were correct. Well partially so.
I think I am like a dog. Give me a job to do and I will focus on it until I drop or it is done. Whichever comes first. I don't believe that is what my Inner Guidance wanted me to work on here for the healing work I am engaging in. I am merely replacing one set of obsessive task orientated drives for another. There is a difference between forcing yourself to do a certain set of tasks..and doing what needs to be done and feeling satisfaction.
When I am engaged in the "driven" obsessive work..nothing appears right and I get involved with the feeling that I can never accomplish enough. Last week I had a feeling I should stop..an inner niggling to do what needs to be done sans the rigid obsessive drive. When I am in this mode I am not open to other things coming up that I need to focus on.
Well now I have to ..it hit me in the face. Not only have I hit a kind of physical/emotional dilemma..but I can feel my Inner Guidance urging me to "get a hold of myself". I have a sprained knee (a knee I am already having problems with to begin with) and another problem I don't even want to talk about here because it is embarrassing. Also I have hit a kind of emotional quicksand. I am stuck in a place that does not feel good. So I am forced to get a hold of myself. Take a few breaths, take a look around to see where exactly I am standing. And regroup.
The big clue really hit when I got a panic feeling that I wanted the house and the yard to look perfect when my sisters and daughter come next Friday. I kind of caught myself thinking this and was shocked. What? They don't care what it looks like. They are coming so we can be together and have a good time. I gave that up in a hurry. Dang.
Part of the regrouping is dealing with my anxiety about a job. That I want to find one is the truth. I want to contribute financially so we can have a little extra funds for traveling etc..I am not going to get into all the details of this now ..but I am staying with the anxiety. I won't try to escape.
At this moment; after getting a hold of myself, I am taking my day in stride. No more crushing schedules of getting stuff done. I will do it..it will get done fine without my obsessive preoccupation. I did make dinner..for me and my partner..Swept the back porch. That is a place I love to sit and look outside.
I wiped the kitchen down with bleach and swept. Pulled a few weeds. And all the time I was open to myself...Not blocking it all with an obsessive drive to "Get er done" gah!
Because I realized what I was doing was a form of escape. To take my focus from where it should be. To make a routine to replace the one I gave up in Virginia.
I can sense an uphill climb coming. How do I know? I have had to downshift. Uphill climbs are good. You see, learn and remember some awesome stuff. It's difficult ...this is true but worth it.
Sorry for the rambling. This is the truth of me today. Sooo..that's how it comes out.
And it disappeared. That never happens. I have actually started to write a blog, got the feeling it wasn't going anywhere and stopped and guess what? It was saved. But this was complete and it is gone.
Sooooo I will assume the "Inner Guidance" ..the Universe or whoever is running this show didn't want me to write that.
I will try this.
I have loved my time in West Virginia. It has been difficult at times, lonely, confusing, anxiety producing but deeply satisfying in a way I cannot explain. I have developed a routine of sorts to do the humungous amount of yard work and housework while I am not working and my partner is. I got a rhythm and felt it was coming right along. I was focused on it to the point that both my inner self and my partner was beginning to suspect I was obsessed. They were correct. Well partially so.
I think I am like a dog. Give me a job to do and I will focus on it until I drop or it is done. Whichever comes first. I don't believe that is what my Inner Guidance wanted me to work on here for the healing work I am engaging in. I am merely replacing one set of obsessive task orientated drives for another. There is a difference between forcing yourself to do a certain set of tasks..and doing what needs to be done and feeling satisfaction.
When I am engaged in the "driven" obsessive work..nothing appears right and I get involved with the feeling that I can never accomplish enough. Last week I had a feeling I should stop..an inner niggling to do what needs to be done sans the rigid obsessive drive. When I am in this mode I am not open to other things coming up that I need to focus on.
Well now I have to ..it hit me in the face. Not only have I hit a kind of physical/emotional dilemma..but I can feel my Inner Guidance urging me to "get a hold of myself". I have a sprained knee (a knee I am already having problems with to begin with) and another problem I don't even want to talk about here because it is embarrassing. Also I have hit a kind of emotional quicksand. I am stuck in a place that does not feel good. So I am forced to get a hold of myself. Take a few breaths, take a look around to see where exactly I am standing. And regroup.
The big clue really hit when I got a panic feeling that I wanted the house and the yard to look perfect when my sisters and daughter come next Friday. I kind of caught myself thinking this and was shocked. What? They don't care what it looks like. They are coming so we can be together and have a good time. I gave that up in a hurry. Dang.
Part of the regrouping is dealing with my anxiety about a job. That I want to find one is the truth. I want to contribute financially so we can have a little extra funds for traveling etc..I am not going to get into all the details of this now ..but I am staying with the anxiety. I won't try to escape.
At this moment; after getting a hold of myself, I am taking my day in stride. No more crushing schedules of getting stuff done. I will do it..it will get done fine without my obsessive preoccupation. I did make dinner..for me and my partner..Swept the back porch. That is a place I love to sit and look outside.
I wiped the kitchen down with bleach and swept. Pulled a few weeds. And all the time I was open to myself...Not blocking it all with an obsessive drive to "Get er done" gah!
Because I realized what I was doing was a form of escape. To take my focus from where it should be. To make a routine to replace the one I gave up in Virginia.
I can sense an uphill climb coming. How do I know? I have had to downshift. Uphill climbs are good. You see, learn and remember some awesome stuff. It's difficult ...this is true but worth it.
Sorry for the rambling. This is the truth of me today. Sooo..that's how it comes out.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
I Want the Truth, the Whole Truth and Nothing but the Truth; so help me God/Goddess/Creator of All
I have been contemplating my inner mechanisms for some time now. And last night, spurred by emotional stimuli that probably resulted by my self[-musing; I came to a place inside me that wants the truth about me. What is my truth? What do I want and what do I need. Now, I have an idea but I don't know what the truth is behind these ideas.
I feel I am being Guided...and as I move down this course of my life I am noticing so many things I never noticed before. And it appears to be a "connect the dots" kind of thing. Where one thing leads to another thing and so on until a shape begins to develop. Acceptance brought me here..to this place where I am now facing myself down and asking, (respectfully, of course, cause I am my own best friend now..I am trying anyway) "What are your truths?" If I can get to the nitty gritty about what my truths are...It will help me along this path I am on immensely. And now is the time. I sense this inner prodding that prompted this urgent desire.
Processing my emotions and Acceptance has helped bring me to this place. I know more about myself than I ever did. And I no longer feel like the helpless victim of my emotions and ego (they tend to gang up on me sometimes, but that's just me) In the face of very intense distracting emotions, ego uprisings and anxiety I am able to get a hold of myself, utilize the tools I have learned (remembered) and dig out something beneath the mess that's worth keeping.
I am ready to begin excavating my personal truths. These will help me determine how to live my life in an authentic way. That is what I want.
But first I have to know what I want, as specifically as possible, and what I don't want.
Equally important.
I know I can only evolve and process what is inside of me. I am wise enough after all these years to get I can only change people and environments within me. And that means my attitude and approach to people and environments.
I don't want to limit myself, or tear down a road that is not my truth but a preconditioned idea of what my truth should be. I want the authentic truth about what I want and need to live an authentic life.
It won't be easy and it may take some time to continue the excavation of my self. But I am closer than I have ever been. I am close enough to know that the only person or thing that stands in the way of what I want, what I need, the most authentic and satisfying life possible for me in this realm at this time, is me. I want to be and to live as I am meant to, according to my deeper purpose.
Unsettling yes...but it is also an exhilarating feeling to get to this point.
I feel I am being Guided...and as I move down this course of my life I am noticing so many things I never noticed before. And it appears to be a "connect the dots" kind of thing. Where one thing leads to another thing and so on until a shape begins to develop. Acceptance brought me here..to this place where I am now facing myself down and asking, (respectfully, of course, cause I am my own best friend now..I am trying anyway) "What are your truths?" If I can get to the nitty gritty about what my truths are...It will help me along this path I am on immensely. And now is the time. I sense this inner prodding that prompted this urgent desire.
Processing my emotions and Acceptance has helped bring me to this place. I know more about myself than I ever did. And I no longer feel like the helpless victim of my emotions and ego (they tend to gang up on me sometimes, but that's just me) In the face of very intense distracting emotions, ego uprisings and anxiety I am able to get a hold of myself, utilize the tools I have learned (remembered) and dig out something beneath the mess that's worth keeping.
I am ready to begin excavating my personal truths. These will help me determine how to live my life in an authentic way. That is what I want.
But first I have to know what I want, as specifically as possible, and what I don't want.
Equally important.
I know I can only evolve and process what is inside of me. I am wise enough after all these years to get I can only change people and environments within me. And that means my attitude and approach to people and environments.
I don't want to limit myself, or tear down a road that is not my truth but a preconditioned idea of what my truth should be. I want the authentic truth about what I want and need to live an authentic life.
It won't be easy and it may take some time to continue the excavation of my self. But I am closer than I have ever been. I am close enough to know that the only person or thing that stands in the way of what I want, what I need, the most authentic and satisfying life possible for me in this realm at this time, is me. I want to be and to live as I am meant to, according to my deeper purpose.
Unsettling yes...but it is also an exhilarating feeling to get to this point.
Monday, May 9, 2011
End of the Day Summary
It was another beautiful day. And Thanks BE I feel so much better. I got up at 830 am..after sleeping so many hours. I had coffee..tested the waters of my tummy and it was good! The day called me outside. So while my partner slept (after he got home from work) I took my dog and we walked out my side yard all the way to the back where the outbuildings are..and raked brush and debris away from the building and the doors. Found the Roto-tiller and rolled it out. (and it looks to be ancient) I rolled it back to the garage. Not an easy feat but I did it.
I rested a bit after this and did other chores around the house and cooked dinner. Then I got ready to go to my aunt's house. After my love left for work I drove over to see her for a spell.
I came home and have been thinking a lot. About where I am going. I feel like I am headed somewhere but it is so different than anyplace I have been. It's hard to put into words.
I am moving steadily towards something big. I can feel it in me and but I can't name it or recognize it. It's a direction that I am headed that feels soo right. But how could that be?
The sense of this is so strong in me that I am going to trust it. And go with it. It feels like I am following the truest part of me to what I truly need and want in this life. It is not clear enough to me yet..at least in my conscious mind.
Tonight I was pondering this. I asked my "Inner Guidance" what is the next move? I always ask that everyday. I get answers but it is like flashes of a movie in my head..of me doing something or words that rise up in my inner vision..like reading in my head. In a crazy way..it's best if you don't ask cause if I try to explain it sounds crazier than it is. It just is.
The interesting thing about asking my Inner Guidance for direction..I do get answers..and it is always very immediate and very practical..for the most part..and then all of a sudden the answers take a sudden turn. Well everyday this week I asked as I usually do. Kind of recapping the day and what needs to be done. I usually get things like washing a load of clothes, reading a book, walk the dog, take care of something (like the car insurance last night. another story for another day). Tonight it was to watch television. So I did..I flipped through the channels and didn't feel any particular feeling until I got to Bravo I think it is..and there was a show on about Bethany Frankel. My Inner Guidance made it clear that this is what I needed to watch.
And it was interesting. I used to watch the Housewives thingie when it first started..that's where I first saw Bethany on television. After a couple of shows I just stopped...And because I had preconditioned myself to think that anyone or anything previously associated with that would be shallow and silly. Wrong..oh yeah I was wrong.
I watched her show and it was about her traveling to different cities to talk about her new book about getting through life in a better way. Well I am all about that. The book is called, "A Place of Yes".
Ok...I turn on the show and she is in an auditorium filled with women of all ages, shapes and sizes and she said," Break the chain" and "All roads lead to Rome" and my Inner Guidance is making it really clear that they want me to pay attention and to obtain her book.
Now, I find that odd because my Inner Guidance rarely urges me to read books. It is part of the breaking up the cycle of preconditioning in me. Anyway..I ordered the book. I read all the time but mostly murder mysteries. Very few metaphysical books. Except for the incident a few days ago. hmmmmm..
Well..that's all I have to say. I am still moving...step by step down my road. Can't tell for sure where I am headed..but it's ok...The way is pretty good.
Night
I rested a bit after this and did other chores around the house and cooked dinner. Then I got ready to go to my aunt's house. After my love left for work I drove over to see her for a spell.
I came home and have been thinking a lot. About where I am going. I feel like I am headed somewhere but it is so different than anyplace I have been. It's hard to put into words.
I am moving steadily towards something big. I can feel it in me and but I can't name it or recognize it. It's a direction that I am headed that feels soo right. But how could that be?
The sense of this is so strong in me that I am going to trust it. And go with it. It feels like I am following the truest part of me to what I truly need and want in this life. It is not clear enough to me yet..at least in my conscious mind.
Tonight I was pondering this. I asked my "Inner Guidance" what is the next move? I always ask that everyday. I get answers but it is like flashes of a movie in my head..of me doing something or words that rise up in my inner vision..like reading in my head. In a crazy way..it's best if you don't ask cause if I try to explain it sounds crazier than it is. It just is.
The interesting thing about asking my Inner Guidance for direction..I do get answers..and it is always very immediate and very practical..for the most part..and then all of a sudden the answers take a sudden turn. Well everyday this week I asked as I usually do. Kind of recapping the day and what needs to be done. I usually get things like washing a load of clothes, reading a book, walk the dog, take care of something (like the car insurance last night. another story for another day). Tonight it was to watch television. So I did..I flipped through the channels and didn't feel any particular feeling until I got to Bravo I think it is..and there was a show on about Bethany Frankel. My Inner Guidance made it clear that this is what I needed to watch.
And it was interesting. I used to watch the Housewives thingie when it first started..that's where I first saw Bethany on television. After a couple of shows I just stopped...And because I had preconditioned myself to think that anyone or anything previously associated with that would be shallow and silly. Wrong..oh yeah I was wrong.
I watched her show and it was about her traveling to different cities to talk about her new book about getting through life in a better way. Well I am all about that. The book is called, "A Place of Yes".
Ok...I turn on the show and she is in an auditorium filled with women of all ages, shapes and sizes and she said," Break the chain" and "All roads lead to Rome" and my Inner Guidance is making it really clear that they want me to pay attention and to obtain her book.
Now, I find that odd because my Inner Guidance rarely urges me to read books. It is part of the breaking up the cycle of preconditioning in me. Anyway..I ordered the book. I read all the time but mostly murder mysteries. Very few metaphysical books. Except for the incident a few days ago. hmmmmm..
Well..that's all I have to say. I am still moving...step by step down my road. Can't tell for sure where I am headed..but it's ok...The way is pretty good.
Night
Friday, May 6, 2011
Lean in to it.
I think it was in the fall or early winter of 2003, I was sitting at my computer playing Ultima Online desperately trying to escape and resist yet another crushing anxiety attack. I remember feeling it coming on earlier in the day. I worked 3-11 shift at that time and it was my day off.
I had taken all the xanax I could safely take along with the other antidepressant meds I was on. To say I was an emotional mess would be like calling a tornado a windy day. I was a real mess. The medication and the counseling helped some but I was not getting better. My life circumstances were dire almost to the point of being desperate. I won't go into the reasons now..suffice to say I was just a mess. Along with the medication I also practiced meditation and Reiki but today I just could not settle enough in my self to do this.
Ok, back to where I was...sitting at the computer, trying to ignore the shakes, rising nausea and the pounding of my heart up in my throat. My best friend (adopted sister..she is way more than a best friend) walked in through the side door into the kitchen. She walked in the living room and saw me. She knew without asking what was happening.
I just said to her, "It's really bad and the xanax isn't working." She started to give me Reiki and then stopped and said, " Just lean into it." And while she was talking my "Inner Guidance" cut through the crazy unstable energy coursing through me this cartoon in my head of a tree trying to get away from the wind. All the time my sister was talking trying to explain this. What I caught after this crazy cartoon in my head was her last words, " I think you should stop trying to resist it." At that moment something happened and I realized I was trying to get away from it and I was resisting it. All of a sudden I could see how resisting this gave it a stronger hold on me. Just for a few seconds I gave into it. Stopped resisting and imaged myself leaning in to it.
At first I was so wild with some unnamed choking fear I could only do it for a second or two but that was enough for me to realize there was something to this. I deliberately and mindfully willed myself to just let go to it. And I feel it easing the pressure inside me. My heart stopped its uneven clattering in my chest, the shaking stopped, the nausea faded and the only thing left were what felt like beams of wild energy coursing through me.
The discomfort remained but the other awful things that went with it..went away. I don't remember a lot of what else happened after this on that day. I remember feeling such gratitude and a measure of relief from the torment I was in. My mind and heart swirling with the conflicting ideas of surrendering vs resistance. I remember spending the rest of the evening talking to my sister about this.
After that I started to use this regularly whenever I felt the beginning of one. It was successful enough I no longer needed the xanax. These "panic episodes" stopped inspiring terror in me.
Soo I had so much success with this I decided to try leaning in to other kinds of emotional pain I was dealing with. My life had taken such a devastating, exhausting and just plain scary turn in 1996 it affected all parts of me.
There were mornings when I woke up that my heart felt just broken. I would wake up and this terrible sorrow would grip me. I tried to override it, meditate out of it. Anything to stop the horrible pain. Well I tried, "Leaning in to it." And how I did this (with the help of my Inner Guidance who gave me the idea)..I would stay in bed, get tissues...and let myself feel what I felt and cry until there was no more tears left. Then I would reward myself with a soak in the tub, a cup of coffee, lay in the bed and read or meditate. The first times I did it was for almost two hours. But the deal I made myself was this. This is the crying time..get it out and then it's done for the day. And my days were better. I slowly began to feel better.
The time I took for this went from 2 to 3 hours to 1 hour ..down to 30 minutes over a period of a year and then I didn't need to do it everyday. I decided to make it like a formal ritual to reinforce the idea that this is the time for sorrow and then I spend the rest of the day living in the now. I set an alarm, lit candles and let it rip. Then when the alarm went off it was done. Time to baby myself with a hot bath and a cup of tea. Or chocolates or a good book.
Now I know this sounds silly and so childish but I don't care. It saved me. It saved me from a life of pain and bitterness. This time taught me to nurture myself and it was the beginning of my path of "Acceptance".
Whew..that was exhausting talking about those times. It kind of made my heart ache to think of those memories. I gotta go meditate and "Lean into it".
Ok, I am back. Now where was I? The beginning of my road out of the "pit".
I will summarize what I learned from this that I use today for everyday discomforts.
First I sense some uncomfortable sensations..like anxiety, fear, anger etc... I then go through "The Formula" that my Inner Guidance gave me a long time ago to aid in proper handling of emotions.
First is the stimulus (what happened prior to these feelings rising. It could be rain, a phone call, a passing thought etc). How am I perceiving the stimulus..and then how am I interpreting it.
How am I responding inwardly and what is my physical reaction.
This helps me NOT to grab on to anything around me to blame for my discomfort. It just is. That's how I process it now.
Next I deliberately open myself to it. Allow myself to feel the discomfort and mindfully be aware enough to not resist. That makes it so much worse.
Then I acknowledge that I am feeling the sadness, anger, anxiety, fear or whatever it is. I don't try to find reasons for it or pin it on an event or person or situation. It just is. Because what I know now is that anything can trigger these feelings at anytime. We all have so much repressed and buried garbage shoved down inside us..sometimes the most innocuous things will trigger it to rise out of the pit of hidden garbage in us.
I Reiki myself while I take a few minutes to observe and acknowledge my discomfort. I try to concentrate on the sensations and not allow my mind to start it's derogatory or blaming chatter. In a kind way I do this. Because the other thing I learned was to be as kind to myself as I would expect a good empathetic friend to be to me.
Now this is no magic wand that you wave and it all goes away. No, the discomfort is still there but manageable...and I am finding if I stay with it, good things are hidden behind the discomfort.
This is an ongoing process and part of the human condition is we will never be free from our emotions and discomfort. But it gives me the sense that I am participating in my own healing. I am actually controlling my emotions by acknowledging them and processing them respectfully. Not shoving them down inside myself and not dealing with it.
Enough Enough! I am confusing myself.
I had taken all the xanax I could safely take along with the other antidepressant meds I was on. To say I was an emotional mess would be like calling a tornado a windy day. I was a real mess. The medication and the counseling helped some but I was not getting better. My life circumstances were dire almost to the point of being desperate. I won't go into the reasons now..suffice to say I was just a mess. Along with the medication I also practiced meditation and Reiki but today I just could not settle enough in my self to do this.
Ok, back to where I was...sitting at the computer, trying to ignore the shakes, rising nausea and the pounding of my heart up in my throat. My best friend (adopted sister..she is way more than a best friend) walked in through the side door into the kitchen. She walked in the living room and saw me. She knew without asking what was happening.
I just said to her, "It's really bad and the xanax isn't working." She started to give me Reiki and then stopped and said, " Just lean into it." And while she was talking my "Inner Guidance" cut through the crazy unstable energy coursing through me this cartoon in my head of a tree trying to get away from the wind. All the time my sister was talking trying to explain this. What I caught after this crazy cartoon in my head was her last words, " I think you should stop trying to resist it." At that moment something happened and I realized I was trying to get away from it and I was resisting it. All of a sudden I could see how resisting this gave it a stronger hold on me. Just for a few seconds I gave into it. Stopped resisting and imaged myself leaning in to it.
At first I was so wild with some unnamed choking fear I could only do it for a second or two but that was enough for me to realize there was something to this. I deliberately and mindfully willed myself to just let go to it. And I feel it easing the pressure inside me. My heart stopped its uneven clattering in my chest, the shaking stopped, the nausea faded and the only thing left were what felt like beams of wild energy coursing through me.
The discomfort remained but the other awful things that went with it..went away. I don't remember a lot of what else happened after this on that day. I remember feeling such gratitude and a measure of relief from the torment I was in. My mind and heart swirling with the conflicting ideas of surrendering vs resistance. I remember spending the rest of the evening talking to my sister about this.
After that I started to use this regularly whenever I felt the beginning of one. It was successful enough I no longer needed the xanax. These "panic episodes" stopped inspiring terror in me.
Soo I had so much success with this I decided to try leaning in to other kinds of emotional pain I was dealing with. My life had taken such a devastating, exhausting and just plain scary turn in 1996 it affected all parts of me.
There were mornings when I woke up that my heart felt just broken. I would wake up and this terrible sorrow would grip me. I tried to override it, meditate out of it. Anything to stop the horrible pain. Well I tried, "Leaning in to it." And how I did this (with the help of my Inner Guidance who gave me the idea)..I would stay in bed, get tissues...and let myself feel what I felt and cry until there was no more tears left. Then I would reward myself with a soak in the tub, a cup of coffee, lay in the bed and read or meditate. The first times I did it was for almost two hours. But the deal I made myself was this. This is the crying time..get it out and then it's done for the day. And my days were better. I slowly began to feel better.
The time I took for this went from 2 to 3 hours to 1 hour ..down to 30 minutes over a period of a year and then I didn't need to do it everyday. I decided to make it like a formal ritual to reinforce the idea that this is the time for sorrow and then I spend the rest of the day living in the now. I set an alarm, lit candles and let it rip. Then when the alarm went off it was done. Time to baby myself with a hot bath and a cup of tea. Or chocolates or a good book.
Now I know this sounds silly and so childish but I don't care. It saved me. It saved me from a life of pain and bitterness. This time taught me to nurture myself and it was the beginning of my path of "Acceptance".
Whew..that was exhausting talking about those times. It kind of made my heart ache to think of those memories. I gotta go meditate and "Lean into it".
Ok, I am back. Now where was I? The beginning of my road out of the "pit".
I will summarize what I learned from this that I use today for everyday discomforts.
First I sense some uncomfortable sensations..like anxiety, fear, anger etc... I then go through "The Formula" that my Inner Guidance gave me a long time ago to aid in proper handling of emotions.
First is the stimulus (what happened prior to these feelings rising. It could be rain, a phone call, a passing thought etc). How am I perceiving the stimulus..and then how am I interpreting it.
How am I responding inwardly and what is my physical reaction.
This helps me NOT to grab on to anything around me to blame for my discomfort. It just is. That's how I process it now.
Next I deliberately open myself to it. Allow myself to feel the discomfort and mindfully be aware enough to not resist. That makes it so much worse.
Then I acknowledge that I am feeling the sadness, anger, anxiety, fear or whatever it is. I don't try to find reasons for it or pin it on an event or person or situation. It just is. Because what I know now is that anything can trigger these feelings at anytime. We all have so much repressed and buried garbage shoved down inside us..sometimes the most innocuous things will trigger it to rise out of the pit of hidden garbage in us.
I Reiki myself while I take a few minutes to observe and acknowledge my discomfort. I try to concentrate on the sensations and not allow my mind to start it's derogatory or blaming chatter. In a kind way I do this. Because the other thing I learned was to be as kind to myself as I would expect a good empathetic friend to be to me.
Now this is no magic wand that you wave and it all goes away. No, the discomfort is still there but manageable...and I am finding if I stay with it, good things are hidden behind the discomfort.
This is an ongoing process and part of the human condition is we will never be free from our emotions and discomfort. But it gives me the sense that I am participating in my own healing. I am actually controlling my emotions by acknowledging them and processing them respectfully. Not shoving them down inside myself and not dealing with it.
Enough Enough! I am confusing myself.
Monday, May 2, 2011
A Contemplative Day
My life is so much more peaceful right now than I can ever remember. I am filled with Gratitude that I have time and space to move along at my own pace. To take time to contemplate and meditate when I feel the urge.
Oh, and I did find that book again. It was back in the bookshelf. I found it today. Hmmm...I am not even going to think about how or why it showed up. I showed my Significant personage and he laughed when I asked if he put it there. I took that as a yes and began to get wound up about how I searched and searched for it. He swears he did not touch it..he just finds me amusing when I get worked up over things. Well so the mystery remains.
Anyhow that's for another day. As I was saying. I meditated a lot today. I went to Beckley and took my library books back, stopped at the health food store and splurged on my fave elderberry tea which I am pleased to say is available. And I found the incense I like to burn.
As I mentioned before, the love of my life is supporting me financially right now and we are on a tight budget. Like kids starting out instead of middle aged people. ha! It's kind of fun. And we have a beautiful place to live..so much greenness. The mountains are breathtaking. I love them!
I signed up for some free water aerobics and free yoga. Wow...because I am over 50! Again, I thank God, Goddess, Creator for these blessings. I still haven't found a Reiki share group. But I will. And anyway I give Reiki all day long. I am really looking forward to when I am guided to Teach it.
I finally got my WV nursing license in the mail today. With a notice that it must be renewed immediately. What? I just got it. Oh well..I went ahead..got online and renewed it. Acceptance and all of that.
I am pleased with the life we are making here. It's still all new and different ..unsettling and sometimes anxiety producing but I am where I am supposed to be. I don't know what for but I am here. I am living and moving under Guidance. However, that does not mean that I don't have those days, moments and minutes when I get anxious, impatient, fearful and bitchy.
I purposely and mindfully made the decision when I was in my 40's to make friends and embrace my "dark side". To stop shoving her away but to allow her to work with my whole being. To utilize the gifts my dark side brings to me. That was a great step for me but there are days when I fall into the old pattern and wham. You know the drill. But I am aware and its ok. I will keep working with and merging with my "dark side". We need each other.
One thing I do know is the atmosphere of the "Inner Planes" is heightened. I am receiving large influxes of energy when I meditate. I don't know what it means. But I am remaining mindful.
On the other hand in the physical realm I find the energies fluctuating more than usual. With an undertone of electrical heaviness that is more pronounced than before.
I wanted to sit down for a few minutes and just quietly go over the tarot cards. I don't generally do readings anymore at least for myself. I sometimes just lay cards down that I feel I need to and gaze at them. They have a language all of their own and the pictures tell me stories..Not necessarily what the books say. (I haven't been able to use tarot books for a few years to interpret the cards) The words come one at a time in my head..sometimes not words but flashes of scenes like a movie trailer. But today it was a no go. More and more my "Inner Guidance" is moving me away from using the cards. "They" seem to be urging me to develop a stronger inner discernment or something. I don't understand. I have faith that deep down I know but consciously I don't understand.
It always brings me back to something my "Guides" told me years ago. About the importance of: Do without doing, knowing without understanding why. I used to be so perplexed over this but I am starting to get it a little.
Contemplation for another day.
Oh, and I did find that book again. It was back in the bookshelf. I found it today. Hmmm...I am not even going to think about how or why it showed up. I showed my Significant personage and he laughed when I asked if he put it there. I took that as a yes and began to get wound up about how I searched and searched for it. He swears he did not touch it..he just finds me amusing when I get worked up over things. Well so the mystery remains.
Anyhow that's for another day. As I was saying. I meditated a lot today. I went to Beckley and took my library books back, stopped at the health food store and splurged on my fave elderberry tea which I am pleased to say is available. And I found the incense I like to burn.
As I mentioned before, the love of my life is supporting me financially right now and we are on a tight budget. Like kids starting out instead of middle aged people. ha! It's kind of fun. And we have a beautiful place to live..so much greenness. The mountains are breathtaking. I love them!
I signed up for some free water aerobics and free yoga. Wow...because I am over 50! Again, I thank God, Goddess, Creator for these blessings. I still haven't found a Reiki share group. But I will. And anyway I give Reiki all day long. I am really looking forward to when I am guided to Teach it.
I finally got my WV nursing license in the mail today. With a notice that it must be renewed immediately. What? I just got it. Oh well..I went ahead..got online and renewed it. Acceptance and all of that.
I am pleased with the life we are making here. It's still all new and different ..unsettling and sometimes anxiety producing but I am where I am supposed to be. I don't know what for but I am here. I am living and moving under Guidance. However, that does not mean that I don't have those days, moments and minutes when I get anxious, impatient, fearful and bitchy.
I purposely and mindfully made the decision when I was in my 40's to make friends and embrace my "dark side". To stop shoving her away but to allow her to work with my whole being. To utilize the gifts my dark side brings to me. That was a great step for me but there are days when I fall into the old pattern and wham. You know the drill. But I am aware and its ok. I will keep working with and merging with my "dark side". We need each other.
One thing I do know is the atmosphere of the "Inner Planes" is heightened. I am receiving large influxes of energy when I meditate. I don't know what it means. But I am remaining mindful.
On the other hand in the physical realm I find the energies fluctuating more than usual. With an undertone of electrical heaviness that is more pronounced than before.
I wanted to sit down for a few minutes and just quietly go over the tarot cards. I don't generally do readings anymore at least for myself. I sometimes just lay cards down that I feel I need to and gaze at them. They have a language all of their own and the pictures tell me stories..Not necessarily what the books say. (I haven't been able to use tarot books for a few years to interpret the cards) The words come one at a time in my head..sometimes not words but flashes of scenes like a movie trailer. But today it was a no go. More and more my "Inner Guidance" is moving me away from using the cards. "They" seem to be urging me to develop a stronger inner discernment or something. I don't understand. I have faith that deep down I know but consciously I don't understand.
It always brings me back to something my "Guides" told me years ago. About the importance of: Do without doing, knowing without understanding why. I used to be so perplexed over this but I am starting to get it a little.
Contemplation for another day.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Am I Crazy or Did Something Paranormally Strange Occurr
Well last night I received a kind of message from the Universe that I needed to pay attention to my own metaphysical and spiritual business and stop peeking at others. Ok, I can see that. And, by the way, my computer is working just fine...as long as I don't attempt to find that certain blog.
What comes over me sometimes? I think I may have been kind of obsessed with it. I believe it's because I miss my network of close friends who are spiritually and paranormally inclined. I don't know that many people in this area and I just became fascinated by reading about someone within 40 miles of me. Someone who is experiencing many of the same life challenges that I have experienced or am presently working through. And honestly I could just be plain old nosy.
I am not sure what the climate here is for "alternative spirituality". There aren't any "New Age" (for the lack of a more appropriate term but you get the gist) Stores here or health food stores..Wait, there is one in Beckley...I can get my elderberry tea there. But there are no Reiki Groups that are visible on the internet for this area. That doesn't mean they don't exist it means I don't know anyone who knows the "Alternative Healing" network here.
Ok, I digress...my point to all of this is..last night after the debacle with my computer..(gah, what a mess!) I meditated for a while and then I got a real urge to read. I had already read all my library books except for one and that wasn't what I needed to read.
So I go into the spare bedroom, turn on the light and look at the bookshelf in there. I reach down and pull out a book I have never seen before. A large blue paperback book. About Mer-Ka-Ba.
A book by a guy named Drunvalo Melchizedek. It was a brand new book but had been published in 1999.
Now, the strange thing about this is I never owned a book like this. And I would know because when I moved from Virginia to West Virginia I went through every one of my books. Many I gave away and sold. Only enough for two small bookshelves were kept. I had enough to fill three large ones before. I know I never owned this book and if I had found it, excellent as it might be, I would not have kept it. It's just not my kind of thing.
Well, I took the book to bed and sat up reading it. It was very interesting. I wasn't able to read it in depth, I figured to get an overview and read it today. I saw some interesting symbols that resonated with me, a lot. And some chapters about prana and energy flow through the body.
It was fascinating. I pored over some of the drawings of sacred geometry and I did feel some stirring.
After reading this for an hour I got really sleepy and I put the book down beside me on my partner's side. (He was at work) I meditated myself into sleep and woke up when he got home.
I cuddled with him for a while until he fell asleep and I got up. The urge for coffee moving me into action. I decided to read the book some more and went to look for it. It is gone. I can't find it anywhere. I looked under the bed, behind the heavy headboard, behind the night tables and under my sleeping love. It's gone.
The only book I found was "Love in the Palm of Your Hand," another excellent book by Ghanshyam Singh Birla. I know I owned this one and kept it because I met the author and he signed it for me. This book has an awesome slant on using the lines in the hand for self knowledge but that's another day..another post.
I can't find the book. It's like it doesn't exist. I have looked over every inch of my bedroom, dressing room and even branched out into the other parts of the house. On the outside chance I went for a stroll in my sleep. (I never sleep walk)
In the state of Acceptance I now accept it. I don't know how it got here and I don't know where it went. I do remember the things I saw and read. I remembered the guy's name so I could look it up and sure enough there are lots of books by him and extensive workshops and training. I looked it over and the feeling wasn't there. I was just supposed to read a bit of what he wrote. I did. Now what?
It will unfold in it's own cycle. It always does. I will definitely write about it when it comes to me.
Oh by the way, Blessed Beltane, Mayday, Roodmas!
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Retrieving Parts of Myself
I am studying and practicing Shamanism. It kind of goes along with my Meditation practices so it works for me. Finding and working with my Power Animal has been a great..wait..more than a great experience. I can't really put how I feel about this into words. Except maybe Magickal comes to mind.
The Soul Retrieval part..took me aback a bit. I am a firm believer that my soul is always intact. However, I will admit that along the way of this particular lifespan..I believe I have lost a few bits of me here and there along the way.
I think it was the word, "soul," that got me. Ok, fair enough. Labels are a part of the human condition. I am wise enough to know that when we label something it takes on a subjective life of its own. I won't go there now. I didn't when I decided to do the "soul retrieval" with my own labeling. Finding bits and parts of me.
It is interesting that when I began..I found myself reliving the time when my sister became ill. She was 7 and I was 10. She began throwing up, stumbling, screaming with head pain. Back in the 60's they did not have the diagnostic tools they have now..but what they had..was used on my sister. Nothing was spared.
After months of this..the night before her 8th birthday and when she was almost spent. They finally diagnosed her with a large brain tumor. And did surgery immediately. She was actually too weak and physically debilitated at this time but they, the doctors and my parents, had no choice. It was possible death if they removed it..eminent death if they did not.
I won't go into the details. I will just say it was a time that changed the course of all of our lives.
Nothing was ever the same again. My sister did survive with severe brain damage. My mom, my dad and I brought her home and taught her to walk, talk, eat and go to the bathroom all over again. I shoved so much of this down I cannot believe how painful this was. The years following were extremely difficult. But I survived it. While doing the "parts retrieval" and reliving this with my Power Animal I found a part of me that went by the wayside. I really didn't know what to do except to reassure this part of me that I was ok now..we were ok. and to urge her to come along and merge once again with the totality. It feels different..I feel different so I think it happened.
The next part of me I find is part of me a few years later. My poor parents were overrun and overwhelmed. My dad had just been diagnosed with Hodgkin;s Disease. My sister was stronger but still extremely debilitated physically, emotionally and mentally. She needed a lot of care. My father was valiantly working two jobs and my mother struggling to keep things going with my help. At that age..lacking the maturity to see past my own discomfort I was overwhelmed with pain for them, fear and a feeling of displacement in the family. I was 15..and felt that nothing I could do would ever cause them to pay attention to me over and beyond what I needed to do to keep my sister going.
OH can I see and understand this now. But then I couldn't. I found another piece of me that felt like nothing I ever did mattered to anyone. That I was invisible and scared all the time. I, once again, without words..attempted to reassure this part of me..that we were ok..we made it though this. And urged this part of me to come along. Again I felt a difference.
My Inner Guidance urged me to stop there. Even though I had a feeling there were way more pieces of me laying around in my life.
In retrospect, I am amazed that I am standing here now at my age..so very pleased and happy with myself. So grateful for all of my blessings. Wow. And also in retrospect I now believe that the part of me that kept me going no matter what was the part of me that was so unsettling to everyone else around me., including my family. Well except for my paternal grandparents. They were the ones that made me see that some people have abilities that go beyond the normal scheme of human sight and awareness. I was able to accept this because they were so accepting of it.
My psychic ability, the things I saw and heard that weren't of this world, while unsettling to me were actually giving me support to get through the pain. I am so grateful. To my Guidance and my Grandparents. These things were the basis of my spirituality and survival. Wow, I never really saw this in quite this way. I knew I suppose somewhere..but never acknowledged it in words before.
The Soul Retrieval part..took me aback a bit. I am a firm believer that my soul is always intact. However, I will admit that along the way of this particular lifespan..I believe I have lost a few bits of me here and there along the way.
I think it was the word, "soul," that got me. Ok, fair enough. Labels are a part of the human condition. I am wise enough to know that when we label something it takes on a subjective life of its own. I won't go there now. I didn't when I decided to do the "soul retrieval" with my own labeling. Finding bits and parts of me.
It is interesting that when I began..I found myself reliving the time when my sister became ill. She was 7 and I was 10. She began throwing up, stumbling, screaming with head pain. Back in the 60's they did not have the diagnostic tools they have now..but what they had..was used on my sister. Nothing was spared.
After months of this..the night before her 8th birthday and when she was almost spent. They finally diagnosed her with a large brain tumor. And did surgery immediately. She was actually too weak and physically debilitated at this time but they, the doctors and my parents, had no choice. It was possible death if they removed it..eminent death if they did not.
I won't go into the details. I will just say it was a time that changed the course of all of our lives.
Nothing was ever the same again. My sister did survive with severe brain damage. My mom, my dad and I brought her home and taught her to walk, talk, eat and go to the bathroom all over again. I shoved so much of this down I cannot believe how painful this was. The years following were extremely difficult. But I survived it. While doing the "parts retrieval" and reliving this with my Power Animal I found a part of me that went by the wayside. I really didn't know what to do except to reassure this part of me that I was ok now..we were ok. and to urge her to come along and merge once again with the totality. It feels different..I feel different so I think it happened.
The next part of me I find is part of me a few years later. My poor parents were overrun and overwhelmed. My dad had just been diagnosed with Hodgkin;s Disease. My sister was stronger but still extremely debilitated physically, emotionally and mentally. She needed a lot of care. My father was valiantly working two jobs and my mother struggling to keep things going with my help. At that age..lacking the maturity to see past my own discomfort I was overwhelmed with pain for them, fear and a feeling of displacement in the family. I was 15..and felt that nothing I could do would ever cause them to pay attention to me over and beyond what I needed to do to keep my sister going.
OH can I see and understand this now. But then I couldn't. I found another piece of me that felt like nothing I ever did mattered to anyone. That I was invisible and scared all the time. I, once again, without words..attempted to reassure this part of me..that we were ok..we made it though this. And urged this part of me to come along. Again I felt a difference.
My Inner Guidance urged me to stop there. Even though I had a feeling there were way more pieces of me laying around in my life.
In retrospect, I am amazed that I am standing here now at my age..so very pleased and happy with myself. So grateful for all of my blessings. Wow. And also in retrospect I now believe that the part of me that kept me going no matter what was the part of me that was so unsettling to everyone else around me., including my family. Well except for my paternal grandparents. They were the ones that made me see that some people have abilities that go beyond the normal scheme of human sight and awareness. I was able to accept this because they were so accepting of it.
My psychic ability, the things I saw and heard that weren't of this world, while unsettling to me were actually giving me support to get through the pain. I am so grateful. To my Guidance and my Grandparents. These things were the basis of my spirituality and survival. Wow, I never really saw this in quite this way. I knew I suppose somewhere..but never acknowledged it in words before.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Just because I am having a little setback doesn't mean I am not healing.
The Healing and Strengthening process is an ongoing thing. It is not about doing really hard work diligently for a few weeks and waking up one morning with everything in place. No No..it is about living mindfully and recognizing patterns..recognizing troubling areas that rise up.
I had one today. I felt some frustration and resentment to someone very dear to me. I began the process of working myself up to a righteous indignation ..and at the nick of time..I quickly pulled myself back out of the self pity revelry that starts the pattern to a new level of emotional storms. Reminded myself quickly, Acceptance! Breath! Where are we right now?
I breathed and gently and strongly urged myself to pull my focus where I was at that moment. To recognize in a kindly manner to myself that whatever was triggering my emotions was more to do with repressed pain and myself than my partner. I allowed myself to feel the place inside me that was hurting. I assessed the uncomfortable feeling and observed it. And then I stayed with it while giving myself Reiki.
What I was left with was ..a place in me that was hurting..that was my focus..I didn't try to fix it just assist myself with Reiki while it unfolded. Acceptance. The anger and resentment went by the wayside. I can't believe I didn't act out. I am so glad I didn't. Because it was about a place in me that is hurting..it was hidden until triggered by a response detected in me. Through Acceptance ..I was able to recognize this and be supportive of myself. Yay!
I had one today. I felt some frustration and resentment to someone very dear to me. I began the process of working myself up to a righteous indignation ..and at the nick of time..I quickly pulled myself back out of the self pity revelry that starts the pattern to a new level of emotional storms. Reminded myself quickly, Acceptance! Breath! Where are we right now?
I breathed and gently and strongly urged myself to pull my focus where I was at that moment. To recognize in a kindly manner to myself that whatever was triggering my emotions was more to do with repressed pain and myself than my partner. I allowed myself to feel the place inside me that was hurting. I assessed the uncomfortable feeling and observed it. And then I stayed with it while giving myself Reiki.
What I was left with was ..a place in me that was hurting..that was my focus..I didn't try to fix it just assist myself with Reiki while it unfolded. Acceptance. The anger and resentment went by the wayside. I can't believe I didn't act out. I am so glad I didn't. Because it was about a place in me that is hurting..it was hidden until triggered by a response detected in me. Through Acceptance ..I was able to recognize this and be supportive of myself. Yay!
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Acceptance
I have spent years of contemplating how to get through life in the best way. How to alleviate the pain I felt so many times. How to process the frustration, helplessness, sorrow and fear that overtakes me and I think all humans at time or another.
My "Inner Guidance" came through with some wisdom to guide me. I wish to share this. And remember this is my truth. I would not ever claim that this is universal or pertinent to everyone but there may be something usable here for someone who is struggling with pain in their life. I have been mindfully practicing this for over a year now and what a difference it has made!
Here goes:
Acceptance entails: Center, Balance, Focus, Responsibility, Mindfulness and Gratitude.
To Center is to be where I am at any given moment. Not thinking about or nursing old wounds of the past or anticipating new ones. Not to muse on frustrations, hurt feelings or obstacles. Not to think of anything that stirs up anger connected with old buried emotions.
To Center is to Be where I am in the NOW.
To achieve this I use a method that was introduced by Pema Chodron in her book, "When Things Fall Apart". To frequently take three deep breaths and look around. This jolts me out of self pity and self revelry enough to kindly remind myself these are just thoughts and to take a look where I am right now, physically.
To Balance, I place my awareness into the moment I am in.
Then to gather my Focused attention to that place where I am at this moment. To focus on what I am doing at this exact moment. Not to look around for signs of more slights and frustrations that will break my attention on the Now or cause my egoistic emotions to rise up again. At least for a few minutes. This allows me a respite from the constant churning of my emotions. I truly see where I am in that moment.
And in those moments I can see that "Acceptance" does not require anger to motivate me in life.
Center, Balance and Focus does not require my ego. And when I do these things I am truly in a "State of Acceptance" While I am in this place I am able to release the bottled up and repressed hurts, frustrations and other baggage without feeding it or making it larger than it already is.
Just for a few moments even seconds of letting it go on a wave of energy to be recycled like a strange type of dialysis of the energy. It not only gives me a sense of relief and release but it cleanses my aura and energy body.
The human condition has imposed an interesting pseudo-balance into the mix. To be "right" or "wrong". To be the "right one" or the "wronged one" or both. My Inner Guidance wants me to just BE. To Be in a way that flows like water through this life as well as the illusions and obstacles life in the human condition presents.
When I am in a state of Acceptance, I do not add to the garbage buried inside me. I am blooming where I am. I am not looking at the "what ifs" or "I can'ts". I am moving along in my own way without disturbing my aura and my energy centers with more baggage. When the opportunity arrives that proves to be my purpose for this lifespan, I will be open to it.
In Acceptance I can be what I am inside and out without comparing myself to anyone else. My ego is not required so it does not matter what anyone else is doing. My focus is on my progress, which is where I am in the Now.
In Acceptance I can be more loving with myself and therefore more compassionate with others; instead of being self righteousness, rigid and bitter. How can I be an embodiment of compassionate action if I am an embittered venomous person frustrated with life?
So when I notice these feelings rising up, I will stop and take deep breaths. Remind myself to see where I am in the Now. To Center, Balance and Focus. I will let the egoistically stirred garbage move out of me. Even if I am only able to sustain this state for a few minutes or seconds. Even that little bit helps me to prevent further perpetuation and growth of the toxic garbage inside me.
I will myself to be less rigid and less self righteous. My body is stiffened because of my stubborn refusal to go with the flow of my life and to hang on to every slight, real or perceived. I will myself to bend and squat, turn and twist like a strong tree in the wind.
I will not wallow in self pity. I recognize the conflict is within and I am my worst enemy. I call a truce and I will now live through the beauty that is me, inside and out.
I remind myself of the mechanism of emotional control, which is NOT repression. A stimulus occurs and it is then perceived, interpreted, responded to and reacted to. I will be mindful in Acceptance to not indulge in illusions of perception. But to see a thing for what it is. If it rains it is not to ruin my plans for the day, it rains because the land needs water.
I am Responsible for every step of my life. I am Responsible for every thought and every decision, big and small, minute by minute. My life is created and shaped by this. I want to be Mindful of this at all times. To be aware of mySelf and myself.
And most importantly of all, I will express Gratitude for all the blessings in my life.
My "Inner Guidance" came through with some wisdom to guide me. I wish to share this. And remember this is my truth. I would not ever claim that this is universal or pertinent to everyone but there may be something usable here for someone who is struggling with pain in their life. I have been mindfully practicing this for over a year now and what a difference it has made!
Here goes:
Acceptance entails: Center, Balance, Focus, Responsibility, Mindfulness and Gratitude.
To Center is to be where I am at any given moment. Not thinking about or nursing old wounds of the past or anticipating new ones. Not to muse on frustrations, hurt feelings or obstacles. Not to think of anything that stirs up anger connected with old buried emotions.
To Center is to Be where I am in the NOW.
To achieve this I use a method that was introduced by Pema Chodron in her book, "When Things Fall Apart". To frequently take three deep breaths and look around. This jolts me out of self pity and self revelry enough to kindly remind myself these are just thoughts and to take a look where I am right now, physically.
To Balance, I place my awareness into the moment I am in.
Then to gather my Focused attention to that place where I am at this moment. To focus on what I am doing at this exact moment. Not to look around for signs of more slights and frustrations that will break my attention on the Now or cause my egoistic emotions to rise up again. At least for a few minutes. This allows me a respite from the constant churning of my emotions. I truly see where I am in that moment.
And in those moments I can see that "Acceptance" does not require anger to motivate me in life.
Center, Balance and Focus does not require my ego. And when I do these things I am truly in a "State of Acceptance" While I am in this place I am able to release the bottled up and repressed hurts, frustrations and other baggage without feeding it or making it larger than it already is.
Just for a few moments even seconds of letting it go on a wave of energy to be recycled like a strange type of dialysis of the energy. It not only gives me a sense of relief and release but it cleanses my aura and energy body.
The human condition has imposed an interesting pseudo-balance into the mix. To be "right" or "wrong". To be the "right one" or the "wronged one" or both. My Inner Guidance wants me to just BE. To Be in a way that flows like water through this life as well as the illusions and obstacles life in the human condition presents.
When I am in a state of Acceptance, I do not add to the garbage buried inside me. I am blooming where I am. I am not looking at the "what ifs" or "I can'ts". I am moving along in my own way without disturbing my aura and my energy centers with more baggage. When the opportunity arrives that proves to be my purpose for this lifespan, I will be open to it.
In Acceptance I can be what I am inside and out without comparing myself to anyone else. My ego is not required so it does not matter what anyone else is doing. My focus is on my progress, which is where I am in the Now.
In Acceptance I can be more loving with myself and therefore more compassionate with others; instead of being self righteousness, rigid and bitter. How can I be an embodiment of compassionate action if I am an embittered venomous person frustrated with life?
So when I notice these feelings rising up, I will stop and take deep breaths. Remind myself to see where I am in the Now. To Center, Balance and Focus. I will let the egoistically stirred garbage move out of me. Even if I am only able to sustain this state for a few minutes or seconds. Even that little bit helps me to prevent further perpetuation and growth of the toxic garbage inside me.
I will myself to be less rigid and less self righteous. My body is stiffened because of my stubborn refusal to go with the flow of my life and to hang on to every slight, real or perceived. I will myself to bend and squat, turn and twist like a strong tree in the wind.
I will not wallow in self pity. I recognize the conflict is within and I am my worst enemy. I call a truce and I will now live through the beauty that is me, inside and out.
I remind myself of the mechanism of emotional control, which is NOT repression. A stimulus occurs and it is then perceived, interpreted, responded to and reacted to. I will be mindful in Acceptance to not indulge in illusions of perception. But to see a thing for what it is. If it rains it is not to ruin my plans for the day, it rains because the land needs water.
I am Responsible for every step of my life. I am Responsible for every thought and every decision, big and small, minute by minute. My life is created and shaped by this. I want to be Mindful of this at all times. To be aware of mySelf and myself.
And most importantly of all, I will express Gratitude for all the blessings in my life.
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