Stepping Through Doorways

I know it sounds kind of strange but that's how this comes to me. Life brings many event, situations, dilemmas and cycles. Each time there is a moment where we step into the doorways of these things that we are led to.

It is scary at first and sometimes we want to run away. It's too much, we are not equipped to handle the new things coming at us, we have no frame of reference and quite frankly it is way out of our comfort zones. And sometimes we are looking for an easier way out than going through the doorway to a different thing than we have ever known.

The fact is most of the time these challenging situations that present themselves right in front of our faces are opportunities in disguise. Opportunities for growth, self learning, confidence building. It gives us a chance to know ourselves better. Our comfort zones are not always the best place for us to be. This does not mean it is not painful, scary, uncomfortable or anxiety producing. Even amazing things can prove scary and challenging.

I know my pattern. I take a step, peek around and retreat quickly. I regroup, take a few more steps into the new situation, while internally gauging my sense of response ability. There have been a few times where I was just thrown kicking, whining and screaming into the doorway. But I always found my way somehow. AT some point I take a deep breath and start taking more determined steps until I find myself totally in the new room.

I gotta be honest here, my first response is always denial. I am not familiar with the situation, it is not in my frame of reference and it is not in my comfort zone so I do try and pretend to not to have "response ability" to the situation. I manage to work through that..it will finally dawn on me that if I am here then what is happening and how I handle this is my responsibility. I finally gain the ability to respond to this new challenge.

I am familiar with many things about life now because of my adventures into things unknown to me. We are not born with familiarity and knowledge of everything in this physical world. But we can learn, one step at a time. It expands us, adding "rooms to our internal house".

I am now observing my partner as he is being presented with "doorways" into challenging situations way beyond his frame of reference and experience. It is Definitely not in his comfort zone. Moving to West Virginia has been one new situation after another. And so far he has faced most of them with admirable results.

I am thankful I am able to observe his patterns without butting in, taking over, lecturing, nagging, using guilt and sarcasm as leverage to push him over the threshold. I am able to see the resemblances of his experience to mine. His first inclination is always to refuse his ability to respond. He tries to ignore the doorway but he always ends up taking that step. First he is discouraged, mad and irritable with the situation.

He will tell me several times, "I don't know anything about this, I can't take care of this, I don't know how." I wrestle my big ego to the ground and just listen. No helpful epitaphs to "Man the hell up, Pull your big boy pants on". No, none of that. It doesn't help. I also do not run in and try to fix the problem so he won't have to face it. I will help after he has taken responsibility for the issue. It is not up to me to take his learning experiences away. The fact that he is frustrated by it is a good sign. It means he is already challenging himself to move out of his comfort zone and work on the issue.

I listen and let him verbalize his frustration. After he does this, he begins to focus on the situation and actively steps in "the doorway" and begins working on whatever needs to be addressed that is out of his frame of reference but staring him down in the face.

Time and time again I have seen the results of his ability to respond to these challenges and it is always good. His world is growing. As I see this happen to him, I realize that my world has grown as well, one doorway at a time.

Sometimes Anger is Good Medicine

First of all, I am not angry at anything or anyone. I just feel anger rising out of me. It is not snapping, popping and crackling inside me like Rice Krispies shooting out of me. It is a pretty steady flow. I first noticed it when I realized I was getting impatient doing my usual evening routines. Then the mental sarcasm begins. Then it hit me..I am angry.

It's funny when I don't grab on to issues, people or things to explain or blame it on, anger isn't so bad. It's clean, fast and burns inner crap and nonsense to the ground. What I am left is an underlying sense of possibilities that were obscured by my pattern of "I have to, I should do, I must do, That needs to be done, I didn't get that done, That will never get done,"

The flow of anger I am sensing at this time says,"Screw all of that nonsense and sooo what! There are more important things for us to think about, more exciting projects and adventures to focus on. Forget all that little stuff, throw it out and see what is left. Focus on the moment, damn it!" Interesting.

I can see now that anger has a place. It kind of works on the same wave length as chaos. It brings things down to a naturally occurring and being level. Anger is not painful (if you don't drag a bunch of stupid issues to connect it to.) Anger is helping me see my direction clearer. Anger cuts to the chase on important things. It clears out inner clutter in a few hours, clutter that normally would take days and weeks to clear out. It overrides my anxieties and fears and shuts up the insolence and pettiness of my ego. Like thunder and lightening that clears the air. No tantrum, no drama..just a strong, steady flow of heated angry energy processing through me.

I am not sure what I will find out after the storm subsides but I am pleased to learn that sometimes anger is good medicine.

Stuck in some kind of learning curve

I am not sure if that is what is happening but it feels like it. I haven't written for days because I am kind of settling in to another shift or level of sensing that has caused me some mild upheaval and a kind of confused and slanted view of my world and environment. My Guidance is teaching me another step to "circulating my aura". It is to Circulate the Aura of my physical life environment and structures. My acceptance and attempts to practice this new step kind of reminds me of the learning curve and the "Power Law of Practice".

It never occurred to me to circulate the aura of my physical environment, structures and situations. I felt circulating my aura was sufficient and extended to my physical life, surroundings and situations. Well, as far as I can tell, it does. But my Guidance wants me to do this because it will enhance the energy vibrational level of my physical environment and situations. In other words, if I didn't do this next step it would be fine but They want me to do the next step...cause it will be better for me. Nuff said..I will do it.

I am not sure the reason yet, It's kind of new information to my conscious mind. But I can ascertain this, by raising the vibrational energy level of the aura of my physical life structure and situations..I can periodically cleanse the residual emotional/egoic crap that builds up. Because everything that is in my physical environment can become saturated with my emotional/egoic energy..whatever that may be at a given time. Stagnating energy in my physical life and situations is not healthy..like my body's aura, should be circulating for optimal health and strength.

I am working out the details..They come slowly. I have begun practicing it. But it has a strange "after feeling". It's not bad..just different.

My Guides did let me know..that I was not supposed to practice this anymore than 3 times a week and optimally no less than once a month.

The idea is not to wipe out the ego/emotional influence but to work with it. And even sometimes, let it happen. I am human and this is the human condition. I need to experience things this way. The ego/emotions have some great attributes. It is not my enemy. It is a source of rich experiential sensation. Otherwise I would be like some "goody two shoes robot".

I am a human in the physical life and I am a spiritual being. I want to be able to see past my emotions/ego to live my life on all levels to the best of my ability. I also want to experience and sense what is here in the physical world. I want a balance. I don't want to live in my ego/emotions..but I want to experience them at times.

Revisiting my old friend, "Fear".

It's amazing to me that in retrospect, I can see in so many ways how fear interweaves itself so solidly into our lives. It makes many of our personal boundaries, stops us from making personal boundaries. Fear stops us from moving forward at times and then again can push us ahead blindly.

Fear makes us avoid relationships or jump into them. Fear is with us when we wake up and when we close our eyes. And any fear based anxieties we have not faced openly while awake will come to confront us in our dreams.

Each of us experience fear in our own way but in different manners and means.
I can see some of the impact and influence that fear has in my own life. I can see how it affects people as groups, organizations, civilizations. It is the moving factor in our own countries experience right now. It has always been.

There is no cure for this. Fear is not a disease. It is not intrinsically "bad". It has motivated man since his/her entrance into this world to survive.

I don't see fear as a detriment to mankind at all. What is a detriment is how we react to it. How I (and most humans I am sure) react to it, how I refuse to look at fear for what it is, causes it to work through my subconscious. I believe that in myself this has caused fear to have way more influence on me and my life than it should.

I believe fear to be a motivator for many other emotions that are tied to man's survival and existence. Greed, jealousy, anxiety, desperation are just a few.
It causes me to look at the illusions of the financial and political world in our country and world differently.

Instead of disdain and disgust, I can now view this with empathy. Greed is fear based and goes hand in hand with jealousy. Which is the fear that someone else is receiving more of some type of reward, either emotionally or materially.

The factors that cause wars are fear based. The fear that someone else will have more power.

The things that have caused our economy to teeter on the edge of disaster were born of fear. it causes me to look at the machinations of the human psyche with more interest and empathy.

We live in an age and atmosphere of fear that has escalated right along with the human population. All over the world this is happening.

What can be done?

Each of us human beings have the potential to stand back and observe what we are feeling , what triggers us, what is behind our anxieties and thoughts. By doing this we become aware of our guiding motivations. This can bring our reflexive reactions to the surface. Observing these patterns and reactions causes awareness. Once we are aware, the reflexive subconscious reactions to our triggers are lessened. We do not stop experiencing fear but through awareness we have more control of how we utilize it in our own life. Instead of blindly reacting to it.

The most amazing aspect of this powerful force, fear, is that it connects us all because it is part of the human experience yet it can separate and isolate us by it's very nature.

All Along The Watchtower

Jimi Hendrix, "All Along The Watchtower"



"There must be some kind of way out of here,"
Said the joker to the thief,
"There's too much confusion,
I can't get no relief.
Businessman they drink my wine,
Plowman dig my earth
None will level on the line, nobody offered his word, hey"

"No reason to get excited,"
The thief, he kindly spoke
"There are many here among us
Who feel that life is but a joke
But you and I, we've been through that
And this is not our fate
So let us not talk falsely now, the hour is getting late"

All along the watchtower
Princes kept the view
While all the women came and went
Barefoot servants, too

Outside in the cold distance
A wildcat did growl
Two riders were approaching
And the wind began to howl
Business man there, drink my wine,
Come and take my herb.




This is where I am today. Observing, waiting and contemplating. Not planning my next move or action just using my awareness to look around me and "know" what to do step by step. I am "All Along The Watchtower."

Stumbling into The Unknown, Unknowable.

In the Nordic Rune system there is a Rune that is Blank. It is called the “Unknowable. The path unclear and is taken totally on faith. The path that is the culmination of all roads already traveled. The rune represents such a powerful experience that sometimes it is labeled “Transformation similar to death”

I am in the “Unknowable”. The Vast emptiness pregnant with possibilities. I am terrified but excited and mindful of what a gift and blessing this time is. I pray to “The Creator of All” that I flow with this cycle in ways that will enrich me on all levels of life. I will follow the paths I am “Guided” to follow. I have no idea where it will lead but I know it is where I need to be.

Although this cycle feels sudden to me it was a long time coming. The signs were all there, ever since when I began to sense and listen to my “Guidance” many years ago.

There is a speaking in me that resonates without a voice. A growing essence that continually is expanding and changing shape.

In “Face of a Thousand Heroes”, Joseph Campbell discusses how the “potential hero” is urged to perform a particular quest. The quest is risky, unclear and dangerous at times. However, if the hero declines and chooses to remain in the illusion of “safety and security” and ignore the quest, the results are irredeemable.

I am the “potential hero” of my own life and I will not ignore this quest even though my ego is bellowing and pleading with me to stay where it’s safe and known.
And so like the “Fool”, I go stumbling off to do whatever it is I am guided to do, into the “Unknowable” to quest within mySelf..

A Significant Milestone

It's been really strange the last two weeks. I haven't written very much because things felt so awry inside me. I couldn't find words to explain how I felt.

The fog is clearing a bit. I am not sure exactly what I am seeing but the environment I am preconditioned to see and feel is evolving somehow. I am sensing something I cannot name or even describe very well. All I know it is meant to be.

Today is my birthday. I always like my birthdays but this one seems so significant and, again, I am not sure why. Maybe it's because I am 57. Maybe it's because I took that turn last year and totally changed the conditions of my life. I am not sure..but I "know" what I need to know about this cycle will come forth. In it's own time and in it's own way.