Processing old pain and focusing my muse on the plants

I am sitting quietly beside the place where I am stuck. I am observing this and experiencing whatever comes along with it. Processing it..moving the energy through me and releasing it. My muse are the plants and their spirits which I love. This keeps me from becoming pulled in by the huge tide of released emotions.

It keeps me grounded..and reminded of the joys the Mother provides through Nature.

I realize these emotions are about so many different things. Loss, grief, deep sorrow, anger and , of course, fear. I am so thankful for the underlying sense of joy I have in my life. If these painful feelings were all I had it would be horrible. I well remember a time when that is all I had.

I am so blessed!

My favorite plant is Mullein. I am not sure why. I was first introduced to this plant at the Healers Apprentice class..I took the beginning of July. And I can't get it out of my mind..The shape of it..the leaf patterns and stalk design..I can see in my mind's eye. I love the feeling the plant emits. The vibration is familiar. Yet when I feel the energy from this plant it's like I am remembering a long forgotten or misplaced memory of something I knew well.

I don't have any Mullein in my yard for some reason. But I did find some down the road..along the ditch and in fields. I can't see anyone minding me taking a few "weeds". I want to replant..and have many in my yard..

I also love Queen Anne's Lace, Dandelions, Red Clover and Plantain; which I have oodles of. I am also looking for Burdock..which is also strangely absent from my yard. Wow, see..I get so excited talking and thinking about the plants. I can lose myself in this.


Mullein, The Mother Plant

Anger? Sadness?? What is this and where did it come from

I am already unsettled by the stuck place I spoke of earlier. Then while I am getting closer to it and observing it; anger and sadness roll through this cloud of confusion like thunder. There it is..where in the world did that come from?

I have no idea what I am angered or saddened about. So it must be some deeply buried things that have risen up from my inner storage rooms. The place I bury things I don't want to deal with. I thought I cleared most of that out..but here comes more. Dang.

I guess it is time to face the fact that even though my life is so much improved; I still have a lot of things to deal with. It's time to acknowledge that I lived in extreme stress, pain, sorrow and anxiety for too many years for the ravages of it to disappear and heal in a few months. I have healed a lot of my inner wounds..and it continues. However, I am so into the way my life is right now..that I want to just shove the rest aside and get on with it. But I can't. It may be why I am stuck. I need to take the time and process this thoroughly as it comes.

I know what to do and that in itself is strengthening and heartening. I just didn't think it would take all this time. *sigh* It is what it is.

I will stay with this, process these emotions. I will think with gratitude for the many blessings of my life. I will settle in my heart with the thought of how it will feel when I finally get settled into whatever form of employment I will be led to do. With passion, creativity and renewed spirit.

So Mote it Be!

Is my path blocked or am I getting in my own way?

Either way I have caused myself to halt in the middle of the road. I am stuck. I don't know why or how but I a few days ago I noticed a shift in my energy patterns. I began to feel some anxiety and worry.

At first I found myself unconsciously attempting to just shove it down and move on. Old habits die hard. But I got a hold of myself and acknowledged that I am in a stuck place. I have no idea what precipitated this. But it is there. Like a huge boulder in my path. I can't detour around it.

Doubt, fear, anxiety and worry make up the texture of this barrier in front of me. As I move closer to it; waves of fear and anxiety move through my body.

The one and only thing I know to do right at this moment is to image the stuck place. Recognize how it feels and how strong it is. Move closer to it and allow the feelings to come..as I observe it as objectively as possible. There is a message here. This spot has a learning potential for me. There is nothing to do but to lean into it, face it down.

Instinctively, in my heart, I know this is the only way I can work through this. To identify barrage of unpleasant feelings and utilize this moment to learn whatever lesson this is teaching me about myself, my life and my direction.

When I image this situation in my mind it appears something like this. I am moving along nicely. I don't know exactly where I am headed but the path I am on seems so correct. There is always some landmark or light that keeps me going in the correct direction. I feel the "rightness" of it..the passion in me strong to keep on. The path takes turns, becomes difficult at times and I have to slow down. Sometimes I can move at a faster pace.

But all of the sudden the light goes out and I can't see. I try to push my way in the dark and I hit a large impediment in the road. I either can't or am unwilling to push past it. Part of me wants to just leave and find a well known road and maybe go around the stuck place. But deep down I know that to do that is to negate what I need to learn, remember or know about this particular cycle of my life travel to growth and expansion.

I need to Accept that I am in a stuck place, Legitimize my feelings about it. Pretending will do no good. I need to get close and lean into it. Reiki myself and meditate to keep my channels open and support myself through these uncomfortable feelings.

While I implement these I will also contemplate all the things I am grateful for. And there is a lot. I will exercise, drink lots of water, eat healthy things and take lots of deep breaths.

Contemplation

I am not at a peak or valley today. I am in a plateau, in between where I have been and where I am headed. I can look behind me and see where I have been. The steps that led me to where I am now are visible. However, I honestly cannot see where I am headed. The path is unclear but I know it's there.

I am in a stopping place, contemplating the many levels of healing and growing that are so important to my being. It is an ongoing process. I have learned a lot about myself the last few months. It's almost been like a crash course. A stark and honest view of myself.

It is easy to see ourselves as very grand or very inferior..but the honest and authentic view is unsettling and humbling. And for me it is the hardest. I am not grand nor am I inferior. I am just what I am.

I am not anything like I perceived myself to be or attempted to present myself to the world as. It's like studying a stranger. I am a being with a physical body who "knows" that my truest connection is beyond this physical plane. Be it my higher consciousness, creator force, God/Goddess. It guides me and helps me keep my heart open. For to me, the heart is the intersection of all levels of life. My heart knows the way. It is the main terminal between this world and beyond. It connects my spiritual, emotional and physical life.

I am more connected with all of my parts than I ever have been. I notice subtle changes in my personality or persona. I am quieter inside and out. I feel less and less of a need to fill up conversations that hint at my imperial wisdom and life expertise. Why? Because it is a facade. Whatever I have learned...whatever hidden wisdom I remembered has taught me to observe and listen more.

In retrospect I can see that conversations usually involve exchanges that are specifically geared to compete. For example, let's say a friend needs to talk about things that are happening to him/her with me. Then for some reason I feel the need to let the person know that my experiences were just as difficult, amazing or tragic. Instead of listening and observing..I take over the whole conversation. For what purpose? Sharing experiences? Maybe. But I think it was some ego ridden desire to reassure myself of something or maybe just not to feel left out. I am not entirely sure what my motivation was. But I don't want to perpetuate my part in these types of competitive exchanges any longer.

It's not right or wrong. It's not a bad thing. But, my Inner Guidance has taught me to stop doing that. If someone feels the urge to speak to me about things that are happening to them I find myself doing more listening and observing. Less cutting in with my own experiences.
I know can see that it is my ego/personality seeking reassurance of validity. I don't need to do that. I am valid. The person speaking to me is valid. The experiences the other person wishes to speak about are valid and do not need competition.

So..yeah..that's one of the subtle changes I have noticed. Another is I don't thrust advice on people unless they specifically request it. I have always been scrupulous about never giving advice that I did not experience and utilize myself first. But I was very free with my opinions and advice even when they were not requested. Again..it isn't wrong or right. It is not a bad thing..it is just not correct for me. Anymore.

I believe it is about being more planted in "the now" Observing and listening to what is happening in my environment.

That's all I have to say for now.

The Mountains and The River

Today I went to Sandstone Falls on New River. Describing it would be so difficult simply because it was almost too beautiful to put into words. I say almost because I will try.

It was sunny, very hot and humid. The very air seemed to hold the perfume of the plants and warm dirt mixed with that unique aroma of river water. The sun was bright and all the different shades of green of the lush trees, bushes and plants seemed more vivid. The water rushed through the rocks and and the sound of cascading water of the falls formed a subtle background sound that was exciting and calming at the same time.

I waded (carefully) through the water and rocks to get to the falls. I swam a ways and climbed up on a rock under one of the falls and it was glorious. At this point I remember looking up at the sky and a strange thought came into my head and heart.

I knew in my heart that if I were to leave this earth today..it would be fine because I have been blessed with so many happy days the last few months. So many experiences that I never dreamed I would have. And the pinnacle..to be in that amazing river, surrounded by the mountains with water cascading over me. To look up into the sky and see the vivid blue mixed with perfect white clouds. Breathtaking.

This does not mean that I will never have bad days and stressful times. It means that I have experienced something besides those things. It means that I have opened my heart to notice the beauty of life around me. Sounds corny? Yeah..and its ok..cause it is my truth.

Plants, Spider Bites and Sprucing up

That pretty well sums up what I am up to right now. My muse on the plants is still strangely intact. I am amazed at the way this holds my attention. Everyday I find a plant, use my grandfather's herbal book and identify it. I draw it and contemplate the plant's spirit. I love it!

My daughter came to visit me and we have been doing a lot of clean up. Things that I wanted to do but needed a lot of help with. We cleared out my favorite place at the mouth of my little mountain hollow. It took two days to remove piles of rotted wood and a lot of other debris. We found 4 snakes, 3 salamanders, a black toad and a load of the largest spiders I have seen for a while.

I love spiders and snakes. I don't want them as pets and I don't want to pet them. However; I adopted them years ago as my allies. In fact I have a spider tattooed on my chest and a snake on my back. To remind me the messages of Grandmother Spider and Grandfather Serpent.

Grandfather Serpent reminds of the strength, mystique and protection available in the unseen world. He reminds me that nothing begins in the physical but is manifested. He epitomizes Spiritual protection and wisdom.

Grandmother Spider represents to me the practical wisdom needed to go through this world. Grandmother Spider does not have to chase what she wants. Her web attracts the things she needs. Her web also shows me how this world and everything in it is connected. She is the teacher of practical survival skills for this plane.

I never kill spiders or snakes. But yesterday I either scared or injured one of my Spider sisters because while I was moving rotted wood (that was covered with spiders by the way) one must have got in my shirt and got squished. I got bit. A large angry welp like blister on the right side of my abdomen. It is a bit painful but not as bad as the last one I received.

It reminds me of a time almost 20 years ago that I was bit for the first time. A brown recluse bit the right side of my left breast. I don't know where it came from and I didn't even know what kind bit me until I went to the doctor. By that time I was very ill. It took me weeks to get over that. During the feverish time I had dreams of spiders all the time. And when I recovered I had the spider tattooed over my left breast.

This current bite is most likely from a wolf spider. It is painful but not sloughing or spreading like the brown recluse. It is remaining fairly local. I am giving it Reiki and I applied a plantain poultice to draw out the inflammation.

Another message from Grandmother Spider? Perhaps. I just haven't gotten it yet.

My partner and my daughter also scrubbed the siding on the house and the small wooden deck and stairway leading into my back porch. It looks wonderful

Today we are going to Sandstone Falls for the day. It is beautiful there. Kind of wild but not too hard to get too. I am taking my plant book and camera. I know I will see lots of plants. The vegetation this time of year is so lush. My daughter wants to swim near the falls and use an underwater camera, my partner wants to comb the area for arrowheads and I want to see the plants, smell the aromas of earth meeting water and enjoy the sun.


Speaking of lush...I had a peach tree that was loaded with small but perfect peaches. This week they would have been ripe enough to pick and I was ready. Yesterday morning we discovered there was nothing left except hundreds of peach pits under the tree. The critters stole them. GRRRRR....I don't mind them taking a few but I would have liked to try at least one.

That's the way nature rolls here. And it's all good.

Retrospection and Reconnoiter

I haven't written for a few days. Not because I had nothing to say but because I had so much running through me, it was impossible to sit down and put it into words. I am still a bit hard-pressed to distinguish what is happening to me and describe in mere words.

I went to the Herbal class in Roanoke. It was a mandatory addition to the Healer's Apprenticeship program I am enrolled in. It was a weekend class and I like it a lot and learned much from it. But it didn't stop there and I am not sure why.

(OK..I need to go back in time here a little while I try and find the threads that lead me to where I am now)

Before I moved to West Virginia; my partner and I would spend one of our days off together (usually every two weeks we had days off together) going through the woods behind his dad's house. It was about 100 acres of just woods and grown over fields. I loved it. He would look for arrow heads or metal detect for civil war artifacts. I would smell and feast my eyes on all the different growths and rocks. I would gather interesting things and make little piles here and there. One spot in particular I worked on for over a year. I made strange shapes by twisting roots together. I had bones of animals I found, rocks with quartz, feathers, wild flowers and plants and the "root dolls" I made. I had no idea why I did this..I just found such comfort in this..such delight and pleasure.

For those hours I forgot all the stress and problems of life. I was totally immersed in looking at things and gathering.


When I moved to West Virginia and the initial inner struggle died down. I began to relax into the change of lifestyle, terrain, environment etc...By spring I was drunk with the smell of the new growth and the colors. I was immersed everyday in the glory of nature. I am awed by the natural world. I thought I was before but that was just a taste.


I began to notice everything..including the plants. By color and smell. I grew a few of my own and loved the smell of the dirt and placing the plants in the ground. I loved watching them grow despite my inept thumbs that are not green. In March I found two very old small book on herbs that belonged to my great grandfather, then my grandfather. It was written in 1930 and the pictures are surprisingly good. I been carrying it around here and there trying to identify different plants and weeds.

Ok..now back to the present..

I went to the class because it was mandatory. I was mesmerized by the whole thing. I cannot get it out of my head. I think it was the "Plant Spirit" part that got me. I sat down and with focused contemplation, studied a mullein plant. And the feelings it stirred have not let me go.

I am even more fascinated by the natural world than ever before. I learned about a few plants and I think about them all of the time. I am more aware of all of them. Everyday since I came back I am compelled to pick one plant, identify and draw it every night. I love this but I am also puzzled by it. I can only identify this as some type of obsession. But its a good one so I won't fight it.

Along with this I have also had another deep pulling inside me that has come to the forefront.

I began this approximately 7 days ago. And it involves communicating with my body. It's as though I came to a pinnacle of consciously communicating with my "ego/personality linked to my emotions" and now the focus is my body. The night my focus switched I wrote about 8 pages of things my guidance was pointing out.

So the good news is I don't go around talking to my ego/personality/emotions for now. Now I discuss things with my body. And that is a subject all in itself..that I will address later. But right now...I just wanted to touch base with myself about what is happening right now. The plants and my body. That is the focus for now..


Here is a picture of a Burdock plant. I am searching for one on my property to replant near my house. So far I haven't been able to find a Mullein or Burdock but I will keep looking. I have some red clover and dandelions nearby along with plantain. So that is good!