OMG I had another big realization

This focus on my projection patterns somehow brought up the issue of going back to nursing ..the way I was practicing before.  It just isn't going to work.  It gives me a sick feeling in my lower centers with a simultaneous sensation of relief in my heart.

As I have stated before, I love patient care.  I love working with families and I am very good at it.  But the rest; it is impossible to do and I realize it has literally taken chunks out of my inner self.  The huge patient load..30 to 35...The huge amount of medications to administer at certain times.

During medication passes newly prescribed drugs were frequently not delivered at the time needed.  That is unacceptable and I had to stop my medication pass and call the pharmacy and negotiate the fastest delivery.


That is not the worst.  The documentation demands are immense and dangerous.  If you don't document enough you increase your legal liability.  If something goes wrong with a patient and you don't document correctly you can lose your license, be sued or go to jail.

If a patient becomes acutely ill, you have to stop your medication pass and other duties immediately and tend to this.  If it takes a long time and usually it does...you get behind in your medication pass or treatments and you can get written up for untimely and incorrect medication administration.  It is literally a medication error..times however many patients got their medication late because of the emergency.

The issue of being responsible for the narcotic drugs is one I take seriously and scrupulously.  I am an advocate for frequent and random drug testing for nurses.  But very few facilities ever practiced it UNLESS..drugs came up missing or the count was way off.  And then every nurse who touched those keys in  the previous 24 hours had to immediately show up (if they were off duty) or stop working and submit to drug testing.   Until the results come back, we are all suspect and treated accordingly.  It is so insulting to my spirit.  I realize it is necessary but I do believe these types of events could be greatly diminished if drug testing was mandatory and frequent as a routine.

The nursing  meeting were usually opportunities to bring down more mandates for more responsibilities, along with threats if they were not met.   Also were discussions and complaints about how we were not doing enough.

My favorite exploitation was at the end of the shift...when I was avid and desperate to get out of there and at the last minute I would be told I had to stay.  Indefinitely.  The nurse taking over was not showing up and I would be there until they got a replacement.   This happened so many times.  It would make me want to collapse.  But I did it.  As long as I needed to.  Sometimes for another whole shift.

Sometimes I got the feeling that we were so necessary that in order to control the situation, supervisors had to emphasis how expendable staff nurses are.  Maybe I am projecting my own sense of frustration and futility with my profession.  But this is how I perceived things.

I have taken supervisory positions and it didn't work for me.  I was bombarded with calls nonstop and I had to be able to appear in the facility at a moment's notice.  No excuses..I had to be there.  It wasn't for me..I decided to stick with staff positions.  So I could at least have a better chance of getting home at night and not being overwhelmed with phone calls.

I have been blessed in my career so much.  It's like there was always an angel or something watching over me.  I was always able to handle any issue that came up, my documentation was very very good and I was able to watch my back.  I have worked with some really nasty backbiting characters but to be honest..most of the nurses I have worked with were honest, hard working, helpful.  And that makes all the difference.

The days go fast and sometimes you feel like you accomplished a great deal or touched someone's life in a very meaningful way.  But to be honest;  at the end of my shift  I was usually very  exhausted and stressed from the pace and the immense challenges of the day.  There were so many days that I literally couldn't talk or put a sentence together.  Sometimes I would just cry all the way home.  I would go home and try and pull myself together for another day.

I did this for many many years and I not only survived, I excelled.  But I realized last night that I can no longer do this.  Not the way I have practiced.  The price is too great.

Nursing is such a noble profession...I am so admiring and respectful of all my fellow nurses.  It is a necessary and wonderful service nurses provide...but the demands of it are too much for my psyche now.

And so it appears that I have not only left Virginia but maybe my career.  I kind of had an idea about this and that is why I promised myself that I would only work at nursing part time...Now I am rethinking this.  I don't think this type of nursing is acceptable to my spirit for even two or three days a week.

I will take what I love about it.  Patient care and working with families.  This I love.  I am very good with helping families through catastrophic medical and emotional situations.  I have been there and I know how they feel.  I am supportive and sincere.   I am very good with patients.  I truly care about uplifting the wellbeing of someone suffering an illness.  To help them improve and become well or support  with  dignity and comfort when it is their time to die.  I am tireless and totally focused on this endeavor.  But the rest...no!

So I will work with these attributes as I stumble in this, my new life.  Healing is definitely my focus.  I will, with the help of my Guidance, find a way to make a career at what I am passionate about.  I am learning to know myself in a deeper way and love myself.

This is where I am right now.