This I Know

Stumbling through life has it's merits.  I can see this now.  It's messy, uncomfortable at times, enlightening, joyous, heartbreaking and unpredictable.  You never know what you will find.  I should know because that is pretty much how I started my early years and continued well into adulthood.

As the years went by my gait through this journey became more steady, even though I still could not fully grasp what was pulling me or what I was heading towards.  I just kept moving along.  I was chasing dreams, running from failure, or just moving ahead because I didn't know what else to do.  I always had this idea that whatever I felt in my heart I was searching for was just over the horizon.

Now this isn't bad.  I did learn a lot of useful things along the way when I took the time to think about it.  I learned valuable life skills, got an idea how the world works, had many different types of relationships.  I expanded my mind as I expanded my living experience.  But I always had this feeling that I was chasing something that I could not name.  Some part of myself that was ahead, totally in control and just waiting for me to catch up.

Now all along this wonderful, painful and sometimes very unsteady journey;  I could sense my Inner Guidance trying to come through.  And it helped a lot.  I developed a deep faith in my Spirituality which gave me a calmer and more stable approach.  But I didn't always take the time to listen.  I was chasing something "out there", not paying attention to what was inside of me.  

Finally, I took the time to listen.  I mean truly listen to what was within me.  And it took my breath away.  The simplicity of it to my preconditioned my mind was amazing yet complicated at the same time.  But I kept slowing down long enough to "listen" and the truth I was sensing in it resonated more and more with me.  

I finally got it.  All this searching and running after what I was supposed to be doing, what I was supposed to look like, accomplishing and experiencing was not helping me find what I needed.  I realized it was like looking for my glasses while they have been resting on my head the entire time.  

I let life catch up and catch on.  I made the decision to live life in this moment, where I am now.  Instead of searching, I am observing and noticing things I always overlooked in my haste to get to the next phase or place in my life.  I discovered that there is a deep sense of curiosity for many things I overlooked before.  

What I will do with this realization; I am not sure.  I will grow into it and see where it takes me.  I will see what  I can observe, experience, meet and learn as I walk with my life step by step.  Moment by moment.  

This I know.

The Truth about Forgiveness

As I mentioned before; I have learned so much about myself the last three years.  The Good, Bad and the Ugly.  Yes indeed some of it was very ugly.  But I needed to know, to see in order to free myself of a few more chains holding me in the prison I made for myself.

One of the most important things I now know is the importance of "Forgiveness".  I never could really get this.  Someone does something to me and it's my responsibility to forgive them??  That's nonsense!  Or so I thought.  All the slights;perceived or otherwise, insults, rejections, resentments, gossip, underhanded dealings that I carried around with me for so many years.  One or the other would come to the forefront whenever a certain emotion triggered the place I had all of these buried.

One or another of these repressed nuggets would surface..all the bigger for sitting inside me for so long.  Until one day I realized I had repeated this process for so long that I actually could sense a physical response in my body when the right emotion triggered this repressed mess.  Neuro peptides had been formed because of this.

Then I got it.  The importance of "Forgiveness" was for me.  To help me let go of the jumbled mess inside me.  To stop the ,"I am the victim/martyr of all time," nonsense.  To stop allowing these actions along with the people connected to them to have any hold on me.  Forgiveness was the only way.  It made even more sense when I took it a step further.  People don't plan to ruin someone's day or do mean underhanded things.  Unless they are just bat crap crazy.  No, most of the time it is their fear..and the ideology of victim hood they are carrying around.  So why would I allow someone's weak moment of meanness to have some strange hold on me for years?  Wow.

We become what we resent and fear in others because we are fearful of being resented.  It's a vicious cycle.  And everyone who is human is wired to do this.

I have learned to forgive for my own well being and it is so freeing.  Why did it take me so long.????




 My mind does not always tell me the truth.  It's not intentional.  It's my emotions/ego trying to make me feel better..by allowing my mind to pick out facts and information that support my own preconditioning.  In other words, it's telling me what I want to believe.  That's not necessarily the truth.  Sometimes observing with objectivity is scary and painful.  Shakes up your world and what you want to believe.   But the there really is more than one side to every situation.