Sunday, January 29, 2012

Houston, we have a problem.

I haven't written for many days. It's not just because it was a difficult week. And believe me, it has been. It's more than that. It is not The most difficult week of my life by a long shot but it has been incredibly confusing. Confusing in a way that I cannot put into words.

And I know it's not just me that is experiencing this strange and confusing time. Two of my best friends had their husbands become suddenly and dangerously ill this week. Within a day of each other. I don't mean a bad cold..I mean life threatening symptons appearing suddenly without warning.

In my own domestic world there are troubling events. My partner is experiencing some type of emotional upheaval. I pray it does not cause him to become ill. He is going through an incredibly frustrating time emotionally right now. He believes it is related to his job, worry over things he has to take care of, worry about his truck, worry over his responsibilities and sleep deprivation. I think its all the same thing.

He hasn't slept since yesterday afternoon when he got up to go to work. He got in late this morning and could not sleep. At 2:30pm he had to leave for work again. He normally looks very healthy and is in good humor. I am usually amazed at his endurance and his enthusiastic attitude towards exhibiting this endurance.

But today I could see him fraying around the edges. It broke my heart. He did lie down and I gave him Reiki, prayed to all my trusted other worldly Assistance, fed him well and assured him of my love and admiration. That's all I can do.

His usual uplifting outlook on life has hit rock bottom. I did not want him to go to work like that. He just seemed hopeless. I even tried to lessen his sense of responsibility by telling him that this kind of life may not be for him..and he needed to live in a way that was more pleasing to his soul.

I am doing what I am led to do. I will pursue this (whatever it is, I am still not sure exactly what I am doing..I am just doing it) with him or without him but I do not intend to drag someone I love along when it makes him miserable. That I cannot do. He looked at me stunned and said,"It's not you, it's my job it is wrecking my truck."

What? Really? I am no psychologist but even I can tell there is something way more wrong than this.

It was so bad that I cried when he was getting ready to leave. I know it made him feel worse and God/Goddess help me I tried to hold off til he left but it just came with a force.

I did pull myself together by taking the trash to the road for the pick up tomorrow and then taking a walk in the freezing cold with my dog. I came back and finished the resume I need for the Herbal Medicine program I am attempting to get into. Also I worked on my homework for the Healer's Apprentice program I am in. It was difficult but I managed to switch my focus enough to do what I needed to do.

My heart is worried and hurting for him. And I cannot help him. It makes me mad..what kind of healer am I if I can't even help the man I love?

But then my Guidance comes through and leads me to see this is a challenge that he must go through. For reasons that have nothing to do with me. And once again it's like a miserable bad cold. One of those that you just endure to get through it. It will either get better and make him stronger or make him sicker. It's up to him.

It his quest, his challenge to take steps necessary in the direction he needs to be going in. I can't do that for him.

Times like this I kind of start badgering myself about why I am not working full time as a nurse when I know it would ease the burden of this immensely..but I can't. I won't. I have a direction that I am headed and I need to be present in that path for now. No matter what, as long as I am able to breath, right now that is my pursue the path I am on. And so I will and so it will be. *sigh*

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Painfully Sad, Troubled and Using it as a Learning Experience

I am very sad today, painfully so. I am troubled in my heart and mind. The hell of it is, I don’t know why. It was triggered by the thought of going to another state to file a deceased friend’s will.. That led to anger and resentment about my partner seemingly ignoring the things I need him to either accomplish or participate in helping me accomplish around the house and grounds.

That led to further anger and resentment against my friend’s family for their apparent refusal to involve themselves in anything that requires effort.

Now for the truth of it. Because I am observing this and I am able to retain a bit of objectivity, I know I am projecting my hurting heart and troubled mind on to people to possibly blame for my dilemma. It is a futile effort on the part of my poor ego, still struggling for control.

I am pissed off and very sad, therefore I pointed fingers of blame at the most convenient scapegoats. These people have nothing to do with my present dilemma. It is my dilemma, it came from me and my repressed past painful memories. That is the truth of it.

Obviously I stumbled on something that triggered some deeply repressed emotions from the past...distant and not so distant. I even had flashes of things about my last job that hurt me and angered me. I am really beginning to “see” how the emotions and ego can totally run away with my mind and thoughts.

Thankfully I was able to get a hold of myself before it escalated any further. Acknowledgement, Observation and Awareness has taught me to stop attaching reasons to my discomfort. To identify where the discomfort is presenting...and in this instance it is a painful stream of sensation resembling “hurt feelings” located primarily in my second chakra and heart center.

These sensations were so powerful when my partner left for work that I just went to bed and cried while I allowed the feelings to run through me....At some point the pain was alleviated and my heart center and second chakra were flowing much better.

The feeling is back but not as strong as before. I feel the need to cry getting closer but its not here yet. I catch myself trying to just do other things and ignore the feelings while processing them. When I do that, I noticed the resistance makes the painful sensations stronger.

I may have to go and settle in a chair, cover up and surrender to the flow. Breath the painful feelings through me and out of me, transmuting it to healing energy. I will circulate my aura and finish the whole process off with a prayer of gratitude. And probably then I will treat myself to a long hot soak in the tub and a big cup of tea.

For years and years I thought I knew what caused this pain in me. When something like this occurred I could always attach it to something happening in my life.

But now as I throw off my preconditioned attachments and projections; I find that in truth, I honestly do not know what has caused or triggered this.

The good thing is I feel something else trying to rise up out of me and its not a bad feeling. It’s almost like something wonderful that I lost was buried under that mess of feeling and struggling to get out.

I will stay with this. Processing it, observing it, legitimizing my feeling and my body’s response. I will comforting myself like a best friend.

These uncomfortable sensations of pent up grief, sorrow, resentment and anger need to come out of me. It's almost like a deep infected wound. A wound that needs to drain freely before it can heal. And that is what I will do.

Everytime I experience this and work through it, I feel freer and more self empowered.

I can't wait to excavate the treasure buried I know I will find when I get that messy garbage cleared out of me.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

OK, So What Do I Do on the Days I Am Plagued With Doubt?

And no matter how much I heal and progress, times like this occur. I honestly don't think anything can or will make these feelings disappear for ever and ever..nothing short of a lobotomy. And I don't recommend that for anyone.

I believe these slopes of doubt etc...are part of the human condition. Again, it all points back to the biggie that underlies the emotional/ego life of man, fear. I have utilized observation and awareness of my emotional upheavals, big and small, to the best of my ability. This is what I learned about myself.

Internally I construct expectations of things, events and situations. These are usually dependant on of everyone and everything around me sharing and working towards realizing my own personal expectations. Which is not going to work. Everyone has their own expectations, dreams, goals, matter how closely related they are in spirit and emotions.

It doesn't work so fear begins to surround my emotions like a fog moving in. Pretty soon it is triggering doubt, resentment, self pity, envy, anger at anyone or anything closely connected to me and my expectation as well as feelings of inadequacy. This in turn begins to trigger my ego/emotions to dig up things I repressed that resembled these feelings. And Bam! I am filled with doubt. Which I have come to believe is self doubt. I refuse to trust myself enough to see what is really going on.

At this point, if I have not recognized my internal mechanisms and how they work in this, I begin constructing a full blown obsession. An obsession about the object of my expectation. Crap! It really becomes a mire of quicksand at this point.

What to do, What to do?

By utilizing self Observation, my first step is to become Aware of what I am feeling at the moment. By engaging the State of Acceptance. Where am I? What am I doing at this second? What am I seeing? This pulls my focus to the Now and away from my internal obsession, fixation or whatever stage my emotions are involved in constructing these. I identify the uncomfortable feelings without attaching what I believe to be the cause. To sense what I am feeling and to identify the places in my body that are feeling the most discomfort from these sensations.

My next step is to allow myself to Acknowledge the discomfort and let it flow through me freely. Preferably in a quiet place with no one else around me. In my personal faith structure, this is energy. And I allow it to flow through me and out of my aura.

I ask my Guidance to help transform this heavy emotionally charged energy to healing energy. And of course, I always ask for Guidance to help me work through this and learn what I can from the situations. At this point I am Legitimizing my emotional discomfort by processing the uncomfortable energy/feelings. So it is not repressed, sent to the "junk storage" area of my second chakra/solar plexus to rot, fester and be triggered later by seemingly unconnected stimuli.

When I sense the discomfort subsiding, I begin to deliberately Circulate my Aura. I focus on my heart center opening. It is at this point I can begin to "See" the situation more clearly and reevaluate in a healthier way. I can actually plan steps to help me identify personal and relevant goals pertinent to my own growth and life, rather than construct expectations. And there is a difference. (Another day, another blog post)

And then, I engage in one of my most important "rituals". Taking time for Gratitude. To observe my blessings, naming to myself and Being Thankful for each and everyone.

Am I fixed? No..nothing was really broken. The goal was to see the challenge in a more objective way. To distance my issue from the internal storm my emotions create around it. To process discomfort my ego/emotions created inwardly..and some that I stored from God knows when.

The challenge was to see that I need to work on trusting myself more. That working through the internal mechanisms of self doubt is a tool I can utilize for self growth and self knowledge. I am now able to identify the most common thread that underlies all of my emotional upheavals, fear. I am so thankful that I am finally starting to get this. The ability to recognize fear is truly a gift. Now that I can recognize it, I am growing in my ability to work through and work with this powerful force.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Reviewing my Progress and the Mechanisms that Helped Me So Far

I have come a long way on my journey. But, I have a long way to go still. I wanted to stop for a bit and review how some of the changes I notice in myself have occurred.

As I move along I can really begin to see how less compartmentalized concepts involved with day to day life seem to me now. I am beginning to see my emotional, spiritual and physiological self as more of a whole rather than compartmentalized portions of life. They are beginning to merge and even work better together. It’s not perfect and there are glitches..but there is enough merging that I am beginning to see myself in a different way.

I will review the changes I have noticed in myself. Through Acceptance, Observation and Awareness.

First, I am much calmer inside. The raging tempests are soothed. The ultra self defensiveness, the intense mood swings are less intense, the ability to move out of slumps before I get down in the “depression pit”, my increased patience and compassion for others. And the most important, I am entering into a state of self love and acceptance.

Am not sure what initiated the enhanced changes first. Did my spirituality guide my emotions/ego and physical self to follow? And what was the bridge that began connecting them in my mind.

I am no scientist but I believe; after reading some things about brain and body chemistry, that meditation, practicing the state of acceptance, gratitude and trying to be my own best friend, have created new neuropeptides in my own body chemistry.

It is causing new patterns to emerge. I am noticing that I was once so caught up in my painful emotions I didn’t notice a lot of awesome stuff around me. Now because I consciously practice being in the state of acceptance, my focus is more in the “NOW” and I notice more around me. That in itself created more patterns of feeling and behaviours that our very enhancing to my self and my environment.

I can have days when I don’t feel so good about others or myself. It will trigger things that I have not processed yet. Things that are buried inside me. If I take a moment, realize what is happening..I can change the pattern. For example....My partner will say or do something that triggers something I did not process from the past. I will begin churning it over and over..lost in the flood of painful feelings. I now recognize the pattern and will first begin to pull my attention into the “Now” by stopping the flood of emotion/ego by asking, “where am I, what am I seeing?”

This breaks the pattern long enough for me to begin allowing myself to process the uncomfortable feelings in a more structured way and soothing my ego/emotions by asking them gently to calm down and be quiet. Like I would ask a fretful child or a hysterically emotional friend.

I no longer treat myself like an annoying foe. I no longer resist or fight down the “bad or uncomfortable feelings.

By using deep breathing, attention into the Now..I can process the discomfort without engaging my entire self into it. Observing it, being aware of my discomfort, letting it flow through me..It doesn’t always totally make the discomfort go away but it does not take over my life and send me into a downward spiral any longer.

I give myself Reiki and circulate my aura while I process the discomfort.

Over time this has become a pattern. A healthier one. It takes less and less time to pull myself out of the “wallowing swamp”.

I am not only treating myself like a loved one who is distressed, I am consciously processing emotional discomfort that will not be repressed or buried. It will not be triggered later down the road by some random event, situation or words. This gives my ego less to grasp a hold of to trigger my emotions. The new neuropeptides I am creating in my brain and body chemistry, are too busy triggering things that help me along. Peace, Joy, Compassion, Forgiveness.

The big step was giving up my life in Virginia and basically giving up my career as a nurse. At the least, I gave up the kind of nursing jobs I normally had. Less hours and less responsibility. Now that is a relief to my mind, body and soul..however it has taken a strange turn with my ego/emotions.

I am now struggling with the fact that my egoic identity was so tied up with my nursing persona. My ego craves the validity and legitimacy, imaginary or not, that working the way I did as a nurse gave me. At first I thought it was the loss of the fairly large income I earned and the benefits. But I don’t think so.

I am not a nurse..I am a being who is trained as a nurse with a lot of experience. Being a nurse is not my identity...I didn’t lose anything truly...but it feels like I have. I am trying to use this time to teach my self that I and everyone else are beings. We are not our jobs, careers or lifestyles. I now recognize this as another aspect of “fear based preconditioning”. So much of our lives are shaped by fear..unconscious and conscious. So much of our preconditioning is based on fear. Fear is not a bad thing but I don’t wish it to rule my ego/emotions and life any longer.

This challenge will take time. Like a few others I have that continue to be buried deep inside and are hanging on for dear life while I try and process all the junk I stuffed down in my poor second chakra..which I appear to have used as a storage for unwanted things. But I am cleaning it out little by little. I am beginning to trust my ability to do so. I can not only feel the benefits of clearing out this “junk pile” emotionally but physically as well. I can’t describe it fully. I feel a physical relief in my lower abdomen ..particularly my second chakra and my solar plexus. Also as I lighten the load heart is more open energy flows more smoothly.

There has been an unexpected affect of this clearing out business. I have actually found treasure buried under some of the repressed emotions. I feel stirrings of adventure and creative leanings that I have not felt since I was very young. Is it a coincidence? I don’t think so. But it doesn’t matter..I am so grateful to sense these long forgotten sensations.

Gratitude is another biggy. I am first, grateful to everyone who made this time for me possible. My parents who left me a house and land that has been in my family for generations. My partner who truly desires my presence in our home. He desires it so much that he is willing to work exceedingly long long hours..on a job that most people would find intolerable and very uncomfortable. But he seems to be thriving with it.

He seems to be proud and pleased that he is supporting us financially and most important he is very happy with the things I do at home. That is a blessing because I love to do it all. The inside work, the cooking, laundry, the outside work..(at least what I am capable of) I am beginning to see the many aspects of my creativity. To be honest, I am seeing things in myself and my creativity that I never knew existed in me.

I am grateful for this time to breath, move my body, explore my world. I am grateful for the time and space to recreate my own personal reality.

Am I fixed? No, that is an ongoing work. Am I on the right track for me? Yes, I have faith and trust that I am. I have a lot of things to work on..but it is more like an adventure now.
I am taking a old structure with good bones and potential and inch by inch, room by room, restoring, refurbishing and renewing it inside and out to please me..for my greatest good.

This cannot be rushed. There is not going to be a magical day when I will wake up and I will be totally whole and a creative genius. No, it doesn’t work that way. One step at a time. One choice at a time, second by second, minute by minute..hour by hour, day by day. That is how a life is shaped.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Another Strange and Unexplained Episode

It is the third day of the New Year. It has been cold and snowy here the last couple of days. Yesterday I went for a walk with my doggy in the snow up my "holler". When we started the sun was shining and snow was falling gently and slowly. The ground was covered and it was beautiful..cold but lovely. As I crossed the bridge and turned to follow the creek. I noticed the creek was running pretty fast but I could not hear it.

As I made my way further up to the first big sink hole. The weather changed suddenly. I heard a howling coming down the hollow, the wind picked up, the sky darkened and visibility was almost nonexistant. The howling of the wind got louder. I stood there amazed at the abrupt change. As I was watching the snow..the corner of my eye caught movement. I saw a figure moving from the old building to the right up further in the hollow. It went across the field, over the creek and started up the hill and then disappeared.

At first I was confused. Who would be in my old building. It is one of the last buildings left from the old farm my great grandfather built. And my dog didn't react, she just stood and watched. The figure was a person and not an animal. Even though the visibility was bad, I could still see that much. It looked like a tall man slightly bent forward in the wind. He had on ,what looked to be, a long gray coat kind of flapping in the wind. He had a wide brimmed hat on. I walked up to the old out building after he disappeared and there were no footsteps in the snow. I can't imagine they would be covered up that fast. Mine weren't.

Today was very cold and I admit I only went outside a couple of times to take the trash out and to take my dog out potty. I puttered inside today. I spent the better part of the late morning and early afternoon cooking. I wanted to be sure and have a nice dinner for my partner. Who would, once again, be braving the weather to guard mining equipment on top of Coal Mountain.

Last night he had a flat tire and had to change it during the snow storm. How miserable is that. He hasn't had a day off for 2 weeks and is working 13-16 hours every night. I worry about him but he likes it and he likes having me at home. Homemaking is an art I have not practiced for many many years but I find I am liking it.

Which brings me to the strange episode. No, it's not what I saw yesterday. That kind of stuff happens from time to time. After I ascertain it isn't a living person..I think it's kind of cool..ask that if it is a trapped spirit..that my Guides help it move on to the next level.

I noticed this afternoon, while pulling the roast and potatoes out of the oven, I felt a heaviness inside me..a sorrowful, depressive heaviness that was lodged between my second chakra and my solar plexus. I haven't had this sensation for a long time..but it was there. I ignored it and went on with what I was doing. As the afternoon wore on, it got stronger and stronger. I could literally feel it condensing inside me and moving slowly upward.

By the time my partner had to leave for work, I was fighting tears and my heart was aching like it was broken. I was ultra sensitive, defensive and snippish. I realized what was happening and got a hold of myself. After he left, the tears started. The heaviness was stuck between my tummy and my heart. It felt awful. I lit the fire in the fireplace..lit a few candles and got in my favorite chair and cried my eyes out. I tried to observe this feeling without resisting. I could sense the presence of my Guides and the heaviness began moving upward.

I have no idea what I was crying over or what caused this sorrow ridden pain inside me. I just sat with it, concentrated on my breathing and between sobs talked to my Guides and The Source about how much better my life is now, how much happier I am, and how I could not figure out what was causing such an uproar inside me. The feeling I got from my Guides was to sit quietly, concentrate on my breathing and let it happen. And I did. I sat like that for almost an hour and it was gone. Waves of relief started moving up through me. It was like someone had reached in and removed a large rock sitting inside me.

I have no idea what happened or why. But something did. I guess I will see in time. But I am back to my "normal" self. A little bewildered, subdued but grateful for whatever The Source and my Guides did.

This I Know

Stumbling through life has it's merits.  I can see this now.  It's messy, uncomfortable at times, enlightening, joyous, heartbr...