Saturday, April 30, 2011

Hmm..I think Universe is trying to tell me something.

I have a few blogs I like to follow. I love to read and I love to read about things that interest me. About people struggling with similar life issues. (and basically that's what we are all doing here, isn't it?)

Anyway..there is one in particular that I really like to read from a person that is fairly local to where I live. I never met her and I probably won't but I like reading her take on metaphysics, spirituality, alternative lifestyles. It is very interesting. And for no reason, two days ago..I can't get my computer to cooperate with me on this. I hit the link and it goes back to google search. Every damned time. I thought it was a thing with mozilla..but I am able to find other links without any problem.

It was perplexing...then Internet explorer started crashing...of course after I uninstalled mozilla and was trying to reinstall it. Wow..what a mess.

I think I got the mess straightened up ..mozilla is back..internet explorer is not crashing. But while I was fixing this..It just became clear to me..there was a reason for this. And so..even though I have no reason why..I won't be reading this blog for a while.

Maybe it's because I am escaping into reading about local people that share similar interests..and not out meeting people and networking in person. Hmm..well..maybe.

I am definitely out of my comfort zone..and I chose this. And it's good to be out of the comfort zone and push my boundary a little. I will definitely contemplate all of this. There is definitely a message here.

Well..that's all I have to say right now. It's time for bed. Tomorrow morning..after my partner gets home from work and gets settled into sleeping..I am going out for a bit of exploring in the Beckley area...I may take a drive over to Hinton. I love Hinton for some reason...I drive there at least once a month just to see the river and I don't know what else. Ha! Just something about it.

I want to check out a couple more flea markets..I still want to try my hand at selling at a flea market. It's like something I always wanted to do. I am also going to the the health store to pick up my elderberry tea....I will pick something up for me and my love for dinner since tomorrow I am taking the day off from cooking.

Then I will go home about the time he is waking up..spend some time with him before he has to go back to work. I got the yard all cut..and the house fairly clean and all the laundry done. Soooo..I am off!

Retrieving Parts of Myself

I am studying and practicing Shamanism. It kind of goes along with my Meditation practices so it works for me. Finding and working with my Power Animal has been a great..wait..more than a great experience. I can't really put how I feel about this into words. Except maybe Magickal comes to mind.

The Soul Retrieval part..took me aback a bit. I am a firm believer that my soul is always intact. However, I will admit that along the way of this particular lifespan..I believe I have lost a few bits of me here and there along the way.

I think it was the word, "soul," that got me. Ok, fair enough. Labels are a part of the human condition. I am wise enough to know that when we label something it takes on a subjective life of its own. I won't go there now. I didn't when I decided to do the "soul retrieval" with my own labeling. Finding bits and parts of me.

It is interesting that when I began..I found myself reliving the time when my sister became ill. She was 7 and I was 10. She began throwing up, stumbling, screaming with head pain. Back in the 60's they did not have the diagnostic tools they have now..but what they had..was used on my sister. Nothing was spared.

After months of this..the night before her 8th birthday and when she was almost spent. They finally diagnosed her with a large brain tumor. And did surgery immediately. She was actually too weak and physically debilitated at this time but they, the doctors and my parents, had no choice. It was possible death if they removed it..eminent death if they did not.

I won't go into the details. I will just say it was a time that changed the course of all of our lives.
Nothing was ever the same again. My sister did survive with severe brain damage. My mom, my dad and I brought her home and taught her to walk, talk, eat and go to the bathroom all over again. I shoved so much of this down I cannot believe how painful this was. The years following were extremely difficult. But I survived it. While doing the "parts retrieval" and reliving this with my Power Animal I found a part of me that went by the wayside. I really didn't know what to do except to reassure this part of me that I was ok now..we were ok. and to urge her to come along and merge once again with the totality. It feels different..I feel different so I think it happened.

The next part of me I find is part of me a few years later. My poor parents were overrun and overwhelmed. My dad had just been diagnosed with Hodgkin;s Disease. My sister was stronger but still extremely debilitated physically, emotionally and mentally. She needed a lot of care. My father was valiantly working two jobs and my mother struggling to keep things going with my help. At that age..lacking the maturity to see past my own discomfort I was overwhelmed with pain for them, fear and a feeling of displacement in the family. I was 15..and felt that nothing I could do would ever cause them to pay attention to me over and beyond what I needed to do to keep my sister going.

OH can I see and understand this now. But then I couldn't. I found another piece of me that felt like nothing I ever did mattered to anyone. That I was invisible and scared all the time. I, once again, without words..attempted to reassure this part of me..that we were ok..we made it though this. And urged this part of me to come along. Again I felt a difference.

My Inner Guidance urged me to stop there. Even though I had a feeling there were way more pieces of me laying around in my life.

In retrospect, I am amazed that I am standing here now at my very pleased and happy with myself. So grateful for all of my blessings. Wow. And also in retrospect I now believe that the part of me that kept me going no matter what was the part of me that was so unsettling to everyone else around me., including my family. Well except for my paternal grandparents. They were the ones that made me see that some people have abilities that go beyond the normal scheme of human sight and awareness. I was able to accept this because they were so accepting of it.

My psychic ability, the things I saw and heard that weren't of this world, while unsettling to me were actually giving me support to get through the pain. I am so grateful. To my Guidance and my Grandparents. These things were the basis of my spirituality and survival. Wow, I never really saw this in quite this way. I knew I suppose somewhere..but never acknowledged it in words before.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Just because I am having a little setback doesn't mean I am not healing.

The Healing and Strengthening process is an ongoing thing. It is not about doing really hard work diligently for a few weeks and waking up one morning with everything in place. No is about living mindfully and recognizing patterns..recognizing troubling areas that rise up.

I had one today. I felt some frustration and resentment to someone very dear to me. I began the process of working myself up to a righteous indignation ..and at the nick of time..I quickly pulled myself back out of the self pity revelry that starts the pattern to a new level of emotional storms. Reminded myself quickly, Acceptance! Breath! Where are we right now?

I breathed and gently and strongly urged myself to pull my focus where I was at that moment. To recognize in a kindly manner to myself that whatever was triggering my emotions was more to do with repressed pain and myself than my partner. I allowed myself to feel the place inside me that was hurting. I assessed the uncomfortable feeling and observed it. And then I stayed with it while giving myself Reiki.

What I was left with was ..a place in me that was hurting..that was my focus..I didn't try to fix it just assist myself with Reiki while it unfolded. Acceptance. The anger and resentment went by the wayside. I can't believe I didn't act out. I am so glad I didn't. Because it was about a place in me that is was hidden until triggered by a response detected in me. Through Acceptance ..I was able to recognize this and be supportive of myself. Yay!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Fire on the Mountain

There have been so many thunderstorms lately. The air becomes so heavy, laden with the portends of pounding thunder and flashing lightening to come.

When it appears there is so much turmoil with crashing thunder and jaggedly aggressive spears of lightening of all colors. I can feel it infusing my aura with a wild ancient calling that cleanses and elevates.

After the tumultuous clashing of the thunder and lightening, there is a calm and stillness. The air feels fresh and cleansed.

My "Inner Guidance" begins pointing to how this follows through in human life. There is a build up of emotions, events or situations...the emotional environment becomes laden and sometimes overwhelmed. If we can just hold on, the chaos itself will strike like lightening and roar like thunder. Spilling everything into the place it needs to be. Recharging us with vibrancy and purpose. If we can just stand back and get out of our own way..there is a natural order to things..a cycle. We don't need to hasten it or fix it by blowing up in anger, frustration and fear.

It's best to wait for "Fire on the Mountain".

Tuesday, April 26, 2011


I have spent years of contemplating how to get through life in the best way. How to alleviate the pain I felt so many times. How to process the frustration, helplessness, sorrow and fear that overtakes me and I think all humans at time or another.

My "Inner Guidance" came through with some wisdom to guide me. I wish to share this. And remember this is my truth. I would not ever claim that this is universal or pertinent to everyone but there may be something usable here for someone who is struggling with pain in their life. I have been mindfully practicing this for over a year now and what a difference it has made!

Here goes:

Acceptance entails: Center, Balance, Focus, Responsibility, Mindfulness and Gratitude.

To Center is to be where I am at any given moment. Not thinking about or nursing old wounds of the past or anticipating new ones. Not to muse on frustrations, hurt feelings or obstacles. Not to think of anything that stirs up anger connected with old buried emotions.

To Center is to Be where I am in the NOW.

To achieve this I use a method that was introduced by Pema Chodron in her book, "When Things Fall Apart". To frequently take three deep breaths and look around. This jolts me out of self pity and self revelry enough to kindly remind myself these are just thoughts and to take a look where I am right now, physically.

To Balance, I place my awareness into the moment I am in.

Then to gather my Focused attention to that place where I am at this moment. To focus on what I am doing at this exact moment. Not to look around for signs of more slights and frustrations that will break my attention on the Now or cause my egoistic emotions to rise up again. At least for a few minutes. This allows me a respite from the constant churning of my emotions. I truly see where I am in that moment.

And in those moments I can see that "Acceptance" does not require anger to motivate me in life.

Center, Balance and Focus does not require my ego. And when I do these things I am truly in a "State of Acceptance" While I am in this place I am able to release the bottled up and repressed hurts, frustrations and other baggage without feeding it or making it larger than it already is.

Just for a few moments even seconds of letting it go on a wave of energy to be recycled like a strange type of dialysis of the energy. It not only gives me a sense of relief and release but it cleanses my aura and energy body.

The human condition has imposed an interesting pseudo-balance into the mix. To be "right" or "wrong". To be the "right one" or the "wronged one" or both. My Inner Guidance wants me to just BE. To Be in a way that flows like water through this life as well as the illusions and obstacles life in the human condition presents.

When I am in a state of Acceptance, I do not add to the garbage buried inside me. I am blooming where I am. I am not looking at the "what ifs" or "I can'ts". I am moving along in my own way without disturbing my aura and my energy centers with more baggage. When the opportunity arrives that proves to be my purpose for this lifespan, I will be open to it.

In Acceptance I can be what I am inside and out without comparing myself to anyone else. My ego is not required so it does not matter what anyone else is doing. My focus is on my progress, which is where I am in the Now.

In Acceptance I can be more loving with myself and therefore more compassionate with others; instead of being self righteousness, rigid and bitter. How can I be an embodiment of compassionate action if I am an embittered venomous person frustrated with life?

So when I notice these feelings rising up, I will stop and take deep breaths. Remind myself to see where I am in the Now. To Center, Balance and Focus. I will let the egoistically stirred garbage move out of me. Even if I am only able to sustain this state for a few minutes or seconds. Even that little bit helps me to prevent further perpetuation and growth of the toxic garbage inside me.

I will myself to be less rigid and less self righteous. My body is stiffened because of my stubborn refusal to go with the flow of my life and to hang on to every slight, real or perceived. I will myself to bend and squat, turn and twist like a strong tree in the wind.

I will not wallow in self pity. I recognize the conflict is within and I am my worst enemy. I call a truce and I will now live through the beauty that is me, inside and out.

I remind myself of the mechanism of emotional control, which is NOT repression. A stimulus occurs and it is then perceived, interpreted, responded to and reacted to. I will be mindful in Acceptance to not indulge in illusions of perception. But to see a thing for what it is. If it rains it is not to ruin my plans for the day, it rains because the land needs water.

I am Responsible for every step of my life. I am Responsible for every thought and every decision, big and small, minute by minute. My life is created and shaped by this. I want to be Mindful of this at all times. To be aware of mySelf and myself.

And most importantly of all, I will express Gratitude for all the blessings in my life.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Testing the waters of West Virginia

After two years of contemplating, meditating and peripheral planning, I made my exodus from Virginia to West Virginia. I had no idea what to expect but I just knew deep in my being I needed to.
I liked my life in Virginia a lot. Despite the Catastrophic conditions just a few years ago. I made it..climbed out of the devastation and the pits of despair and made a good life. I learned so much and strengthened my faith. I had a strong professional and metaphysical network.

But at the pinnacle of inner guidance said it was time to go and so I did.

I have been here for a few months. My partner followed me. In fact, right now, he is supporting me financially. That is a new condition for me. Years ago when I was young with small children and my husband was still alive, I was a housewife. But that was so long ago. It's like something I have to get used to.

I will be working soon. I am transferring my Nursing license now..and I will work part time because I do love patient care. It's the other things that go along with it that are grueling and so stressful. I don't think I will be working as nurse full time again. But then maybe I will if I am guided to.

My time I use to clean up my huge yard and settling in my house, learn my way around. I meditate and read a lot. A luxury I haven't had for so long. Well, maybe I never had. I carved out time for meditation. Now it's part of my daily ritual. I give myself and many others Reiki daily. I work with my Power Animal.

What a time this is ..a healing time. I treasure it and I am sooo grateful!

My present project besides keeping the house, inside and out, and working on the transfer of my nursing license check out the metaphysical climate of my new area. Eventually to develop a local network. These things take time. But I have faith that all that I need will come into my life.

This I Know

Stumbling through life has it's merits.  I can see this now.  It's messy, uncomfortable at times, enlightening, joyous, heartbr...