Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Back in the Saddle Again

Well...all I can say is, December was very challenging for me.  In ways I cannot explain.  I am not sure what exactly was going on inside of me but everyday was a myriad of uncontrollable emotion.  From anger, frustration, even rage to total heartbreaking sorrow.

At first, I attempted to "fix" it.  But after checking myself out. I realized that deep down I was fine but the surface of me was a raging mess of emotional soup.  So at some point I took a deep breath and stopped resisting.  I processed the discomfort, I gave myself Reiki, meditated as best I could and and took each day step by step, second by second and minute by minute.  I used all of the techniques my Inner Guidance taught me.

All the while, deep inside me, I felt assured this would pass when I processed enough of the mess rising up from within.  It is ironic because this feverish tsunami of painful feelings broke on December 21.  I was struggling to get over the mountains during a snow storm.  I was on my way to Georgia to visit my son.  And while working toward staying on the road and not going over the side rail...I sensed a shifting of space inside of me...and a sensation like something snapping in two.  The heaviness and sensation of constant painful sensations was gone.

I came down the steep grade of 77 s...on snow and ice almost crying in relief.  I felt such a sense of release.  

It's not entirely over but it is more directed.   A lot more painful things that I long buried came through during this time.  Today I am processing them.  Observing the sensations and any flashes of memory that come with it, allowing it pass on and leave me.   I am asking for help forgiving things that hurt me a lot and to forgive myself for things that I did that hurt others.  For my own healing I need to do this.

So I continue on my way.   I know I have learned a lot from this struggle.  As I have from all of the struggles of my life.

I wonder what is next?  hmmmmmmm...

Sunday, December 9, 2012

On Hold and Processing

I haven't written for quite some time.  I didn't mean to go this long but my inspirations that I like to share are "on hold".  I am in a low ebb of movement right now.  I have no idea why.  In another time of my life I might have labeled what I am feeling as somewhat "depressed".  But I know I am not.  In fact, I am not even unhappy, just subdued.  It is a cycle for being introspective and processing.

Thankfully, I know myself well enough now that I am able to recognize this type of cycle almost immediately and begin processing it.  And that means not resisting it, recognizing the pattern and not wildly attaching any external reasons for how I feel.  I am actively being my own best friend.  Through compassion, self acknowledgement and self awareness I am allowing it to work its way through me and then out.  I know some great insights will flow from this but first I have to move through the chaotic flow.

And so until then I will sit on this like a hen on an egg.  Something profound may hatch from this.