Houston, we have a problem.

I haven't written for many days. It's not just because it was a difficult week. And believe me, it has been. It's more than that. It is not The most difficult week of my life by a long shot but it has been incredibly confusing. Confusing in a way that I cannot put into words.

And I know it's not just me that is experiencing this strange and confusing time. Two of my best friends had their husbands become suddenly and dangerously ill this week. Within a day of each other. I don't mean a bad cold..I mean life threatening symptons appearing suddenly without warning.

In my own domestic world there are troubling events. My partner is experiencing some type of emotional upheaval. I pray it does not cause him to become ill. He is going through an incredibly frustrating time emotionally right now. He believes it is related to his job, worry over things he has to take care of, worry about his truck, worry over his responsibilities and sleep deprivation. I think its all the same thing.

He hasn't slept since yesterday afternoon when he got up to go to work. He got in late this morning and could not sleep. At 2:30pm he had to leave for work again. He normally looks very healthy and is in good humor. I am usually amazed at his endurance and his enthusiastic attitude towards exhibiting this endurance.

But today I could see him fraying around the edges. It broke my heart. He did lie down and I gave him Reiki, prayed to all my trusted other worldly Assistance, fed him well and assured him of my love and admiration. That's all I can do.

His usual uplifting outlook on life has hit rock bottom. I did not want him to go to work like that. He just seemed hopeless. I even tried to lessen his sense of responsibility by telling him that this kind of life may not be for him..and he needed to live in a way that was more pleasing to his soul.

I am doing what I am led to do. I will pursue this (whatever it is, I am still not sure exactly what I am doing..I am just doing it) with him or without him but I do not intend to drag someone I love along when it makes him miserable. That I cannot do. He looked at me stunned and said,"It's not you, it's my job it is wrecking my truck."

What? Really? I am no psychologist but even I can tell there is something way more wrong than this.

It was so bad that I cried when he was getting ready to leave. I know it made him feel worse and God/Goddess help me I tried to hold off til he left but it just came with a force.

I did pull myself together by taking the trash to the road for the pick up tomorrow and then taking a walk in the freezing cold with my dog. I came back and finished the resume I need for the Herbal Medicine program I am attempting to get into. Also I worked on my homework for the Healer's Apprentice program I am in. It was difficult but I managed to switch my focus enough to do what I needed to do.

My heart is worried and hurting for him. And I cannot help him. It makes me mad..what kind of healer am I if I can't even help the man I love?

But then my Guidance comes through and leads me to see this is a challenge that he must go through. For reasons that have nothing to do with me. And once again it's like a miserable bad cold. One of those that you just endure to get through it. It will either get better and make him stronger or make him sicker. It's up to him.

It his quest, his challenge to take steps necessary in the direction he needs to be going in. I can't do that for him.

Times like this I kind of start badgering myself about why I am not working full time as a nurse when I know it would ease the burden of this immensely..but I can't. I won't. I have a direction that I am headed and I need to be present in that path for now. No matter what, as long as I am able to breath, right now that is my goal..to pursue the path I am on. And so I will and so it will be. *sigh*

The Celebration and the Struggle of the Holidays

It is painful for me to write about this but I need to address it. The Holiday Season is not necessarily a happy time for everyone. I am sorry to say that I am one of these people. I attempted to explain to a friend of mine that deep down I love this season but on the surface I don't.

I know that is such a paradox but it is the truest way I can explain it. My heart opens to it yet my ego/emotions cringe, feel sad, resentful, self pitying etc...all the crap that I don't like to feel. But I do feel it and I cannot and will not deny it or repress it.


My first step is to express honest and authentic gratitude for the time and space this year to process it. I haven't had the gift of this for many many years. My second step is to acknowledge how I feel and acknowledge it. The third step is to realize I am feeling uncomfortable emotions about something in me that is triggered by this time of year...Not by this time of year. And unfortunately, my painful discomfort is triggered by my preconditioned expectations of this season, not about anything bad that has affected me.

And this approach has helped me a lot. I actually enjoyed putting up my Christmas tree and decorating a bit around the house. I only put out things I liked while thinking about what this time of the year means to me. I have consciously strived to focus on what I like about this time of year, not how I do not live up to what I perceive as expectations of this season. Along with that awful feeling of not being able to keep up with everyone else's perfect Christmas. I mean, what is that anyway? It is some strange fixation in my head. That's all it is. That is my own limitation and I am taking steps to break myself free from the bonds of this.


So far I am doing very well. Last night, my partner and I watched Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer and Mr Magoo's Christmas Carol. I loved it! We had a picnic in the living room of smoked salmon and cream cheese and some Christmas cookies. I turned out all the lights except the Christmas tree and it was so much fun.

I am contemplating not only the Yuletide but the birth of Jesus (whether it actually happened this time of year or not) and The Three Magi. My daughter gave me a really old oil painting of the Three Wise Men. It is magnificent and I have it out on the table across the room from my Christmas tree.

My partner and I bought some toys for the children at the local women's shelter and that was fun picking them out and wrapping them. I went to a Christmas program at a local church and a school chorus Christmas program. Both were kind of fun.

I put on some old Nat King Cole music and baked some cookies.

Wow, now that I write it out I can see that I am doing way better this year than I have for many years. I can do this and I can have fun doing it. I have faith that I can.


Blessed Yule and Merry Christmas

Leaving for Roanoke for weekend class

I am getting ready to go for my class for the Healer's Apprenticeship Program I have been working on for the last year and a half now. I absolutely love it and I am so grateful that I am able to go this weekend. This weekend delves deeper into Shamanic principle and practice.


I always anticipate these classes so deeply. The last one I attended about 6 weeks ago was on Herbal Plant Spirit. The classes are intense and I am tired at the end of the weekend. However, I am also charged and excited by the things I learned and practiced that helps me fine tune my own abilities. I always gain a deeper knowing of myself.

The petulance of yesterday has passed, for the most part. I acknowledged that I felt it and just kind of moved on. Like I do now with the stray anxiety attack I have had here and there. It is so mild compared to previous times that sometimes I just acknowledge it briefly and go on about my business. Later I will realize it stopped and I didn't even notice when. That's how residual emotional discomforts are now. I work through the larger portion of it..and then the residual just kind of evaporates because of lack of further steam to fuel the big obstructive emotional reactions.

I gotta go and finish getting ready. I am so excited! I will, of course, write all about it.

Help, My Plot is Missing!

My daughter said something very interesting a few days ago. We were on the phone and she said to me, "I feel like I have lost my plot." Wow, did that hit home. What an excellent way to put what I am working towards. Lose the plot be what is there. We are not meant to live in a plot. A plan or goal, maybe..but these things are never the totality of us..of our life.

A plot is a storyline. Part of the personality facade we wear to hide and/or to appear a certain way to others. We are living a life not a story line..We are what we are not roles in a plot. How profound it seems to me.

I have clearly lost my plot...my storyline went to the skids. I am floating with no ground under my feet. I am not saying I am in dire straits..no..I am probably in a better place than I have ever been.

It is also one of the scariest places because I have time to think about it. In times of catastrophe I acted...I didn't mull things over there was no time. I literally lived from one crises to the next barely taking a breath.

But now I have the space and time to pause and regroup. And decide how I want to live my life.

It hit me this morning that there is a chance I may never work as a nurse again. It may no longer fit in my authenticity. I am so grateful to this profession...it allowed me to keep me and my family going. But now it may no longer be viable for me..

I am not sure what I will do...But I get a very strong feeling that I will not continue working as a nurse. And for a while I may not have a "regular" job at all.

I will be working but on other things. I have faith these other things will allow me to generate income.

I am feeling some strange things right now. Sadness, guilt, grief, fear, anxiety to name a few. I am allowing myself to feel this. It is real and happening for whatever the reason no matter how important or unimportant it appears. To be an authentic being I must legitimize my emotions no matter how silly or painful it is. As my new best friend, I will help me get past the stuck places; one step at a time.