Friday, March 30, 2012

My Guidance has introduced a new focus

My focus is expanding into a direction it never has gone before. Not seriously, not under Guidance. My ego/emotions at times skirted the issues surrounding the subject matter of my expanded focus but it was through anxiety and fear. Now it is with curiosity I ponder what about the new subject. And the subject of my expanded focus is "economy". I am not sure if it is in reference to what we are preconditioned to label "The Economy" or some other aspect that the word is derived from.

Here is the dictionary definition of "economy". I will start there.

"e·con·o·my   [ih-kon-uh-mee] Show IPA noun, plural -mies, adjective, adverb
thrifty management; frugality in the expenditure or consumption of money, materials, etc.
an act or means of thrifty saving; a saving: He achieved a small economy by walking to work instead of taking a bus.
the management of the resources of a community, country, etc., especially with a view to its productivity.
the prosperity or earnings of a place: Further inflation would endanger the national economy seriously.
the disposition or regulation of the parts or functions of any organic whole; an organized system or method.
" (from

I get the feeling it is the last one that peaks my curiosity and I sense a definite response in my discernment. "The disposition or regulation of the parts or functions of any organic whole, an organized system or method. Hmmmmm..there is something there but I just can't get to it.

I will continue to ponder this. I am going away for the weekend with one of my best friends. We are going to see the Moody Blues. Haven't seen them in concert for a long time.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Living in the Now

Friday I was a mess. With a capital M. I had no motivation for anything past laying on my bed, crying and feeling sorry for myself. I allowed myself to feel this discomfort, letting it flow through me. Legitimizing and acknowledging my painful feelings. I gave myself Reiki, circulated my aura and took a few seconds out here and there between sobs for Gratitude.

By Sunday the worst was over. I am not sure if I just processed it all or I allowed it to flow and stop resisting it; and it just faded as it continued to process. It doesn't matter, I just know I started to want to move around and do something else. By Monday I was pretty much my usual self.

I am excited about the weather and the way all the plants are waking up. The way the sun feels, how green the grass is and how the birds sing all over the place. Ok, so it sounds so like a pollyanna moment. I don't care..This is exhilarating to me. This breaths life into me. And it really helps me with my ongoing work of "being in the now". Not belaboring the past, worrying about the futureor lost in some emotional wrestling match within. I want to be planted in the NOW.

This spring I realize that the natural world, once again, helps me become more focused on the NOW. The more I do this the more reflexive it becomes.

I go outside with my dog and begin working. It is joyous and exciting to me. Whether I am picking up big limbs, pulling out weeds or cutting the grass. I am not good at everything yet but I am learning. For the last two nights when I was done, I was so sore and tired. Last summer I worked outside almost everyday. Sweating and pushing myself a bit. Over the winter I was not as busy physically. But I can feel my body is eager to sweat more and move more, despite the discomfort. I lose myself in the Now. Awesome!

Saturday, March 24, 2012

She arrived to her new home safely

My little girl is safely ensconced in her new home. Launched into her new life.

I am kind of a mess. It doesn't matter how much I think I prepared myself for this. For crying out loud, it is not the first time she went to the UK. And she was younger then. I was a mess then, too. So I thought I was totally ready for this departure. No, I am not doing so well with it right now.

However, I know I will be fine. I know what to do..I know what is happening to me, thanks to years of working with my "Inner Guidance". I have trust and faith that I will work through this.

I have suspended meaningful and productive tasks around my house for a couple of days. And I am thankful I am in a place in my life to have that luxury. I have immersed myself in meditation, old movies and a new book while I allow myself to process this.

Like a bad cold, these painful feelings will run their course. I will be fine.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Letting Go

My youngest child is immigrating to the UK to live with her husband in 4 days. I am so happy for them to finally be able to live together in the same country, city, and dwelling. I could not have chosen a better husband for her. He is a wonderful man and most of all he adores my daughter and has for many years.

I am so happy for them and excited for my daughter. She is such an adventurous soul.

However; despite all of my happiness for her starting her new life, I am experiencing deep emotional type pains in my my three lower energy centers and my heart is aching. I have waves of sad feelings well up out of nowhere. They come fast and hard, so intense that tears spring out of my eyes immediately. It feels like grief. The strange part is that even though I am in one of the "sadness waves" I am still happy and excited for her.

A mix of grief and joy. I am not surprised by my happiness for her..I am surprised by the depth I feel the pain of our coming separation. It is deep, visceral and feels like something is grinding part of me away.

I honestly did not know what this painful feeling was about until I began to process my emotions. Which means finally recognizing that something was amiss, sitting down and letting myself feel what I feel. Conducting the feeling rather than resisting it..conducting the flow through me. As I circulated my aura, it came to me what I was experiencing this physical reaction to sadness. It is time to let go of my youngest child.

Now that I am aware of the texture and sensation of this painful wave running through me, I recognize it from the first time I had to let go of a child. My son. Now it comes back to me how my body and emotions grieved when I let him go. I think I will handle it better this time.

I am more aware of my internal workings and now with the help of my Guidance I have "tools" to utilize to help me work through this.

I remind myself that it was good to let go of my son and allow him to follow his own life and direction. We are very close even though he lives 7 hours south from me. I not only love him but now I admire and respect him which is a product of letting him go and acknowledging him as an adult.

So I will work through this. And with the help of God/Goddess I will NOT break down at the airport when I see her off. That is the time I want my excitement and joy for her to come out.
I want to send her on her adventure and new life radiating happiness for her.

I don't mind if I cry after she leaves. I always cry when I send her off to the UK..even just for visits. I cried buckets over her brother for months and months. I will live through it.

Being a mother is such a gift. But times like this hurt. But it's so worth it. I will pull my big girl pants on, man up and do this! I can do this!

And so I leave this with just a few more words to my children.

Thank you for being mine. You have no idea the joy you brought to me and your father. Even though your father has already moved into the next level of life, I know he is as proud of you both as I am.

And so, speaking for both of us; here are our wishes for you.

Love yourselves, Always follow your heart, Live Well, Be Happy and know that your mother loves you both with every fiber of her being. And remember, Life is an adventure not a prison sentence!

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Making a Treatise of Peace with Nature (Conduction or Resistance)?

I learned quite by accident how to make peace with critters around me. I am not exactly sure how it works. It certainly is not any type of scientific method, at least by this physical world’s standards. It may be a mixture of “strange quantum physics” and a smidgeon of Shamanism. Who knows?

It really doesn’t matter what label or category it is related to. It works for me and that is what matters.

Over the years I came to realize that every being on this planet has a purpose. From cockroaches to Bigfoot. Everything has a right to be here and is part of a balance.

It took me some years for the Insolence of my Ego to recognize that Nature can run very smoothly without me or any humans for that matter but we cannot live without Nature. And all creatures here are part of Nature. Even when we think they are nasty, scary and harmful.

Keeping that in mind, I made my first attempt to “make a treaty” with ants a few years ago. I like ants. I think they are wondrously organized and their culture and work ethic is beyond admirable. However, we were not compatible housemates. They got into my pantry and it was awful. I bought the spray that was recommended and the “poison ant food”, but something held me back.

So I meditated..and asked my Guidance to let the ants know that I would be forced to use poison and kill them because it was my habitat too and they were intruding on my food supply. (actually it was dog food). I waited 24 hours and then I went to spray. I didn’t see any so I didn’t spray. The next day I saw a couple but not the long lines on the march like before.

I held off on the spray and in a week there were no more. The next time I meditated (prayed) I ask my Guidance to thank the ants. No spraying needed and to please tell their friends and family to stay away.

Next I had a nest of black widow spiders under the house. A repairman
came to work on the heat pump and had to go under the house. He was scared and refused to go under there again until the spiders were gone. I was renting in Virginia at the time and he was going to tell the landlord.

I was torn. Black widows are dangerous. I had been bitten a few years back by a brown recluse and it made me so sick. However, spiders are very sacred to me. I don’t know why but they are. I promised to get rid of them and asked him to not tell the landlord unless he found more when he got back. I kind of implied that I would spray and kill them all.

I meditated/prayed with more conscious intent and this time asked my Guidance to let me communicate with the “spider guide”. Okay, I know this sounds crazy but I deal in the scene behind the scenes. (will explain in a bit) Through my Higher Source I pleaded with the spiders to leave their nests and find safer quarters away from the house. Not in the house or under the house any longer because they would be killed.

And it worked. The guy came back a week later and told me what a good job I did of exterminating the spiders.

My next rented house, it was wasps. My partner was going to spray them until all the occupants of the multitude of nests were dead. I asked him to give me 24 hours before spraying. He humored me. (He also made faces and made a few patronizing remarks but what the heck..)

I got busy and asked the Higher Source/My Guides to help me contact the leader of the wasps. I conveyed my dilemma respectfully and asked them to not swarm the carport or dive bomb anyone. To make new nests and find more compatible areas because they would get sprayed.

It worked again.

When I moved to West Virginia, my house had been empty for two years. You can imagine. Spiders, wasps nests, ants and even a couple of mice.

I got busy before my partner began to gather articles for execution. This
time I thanked them for their presence. I asked the wasps to leave their nests and if they refuse to do that to not hang around the house or back porch. I asked the spiders under the house to either move, stay hidden. Both I asked to never bite or sting anyone. I asked the mice to stay out of my house and if they went into the garage to stay out of my stuff. I asked the snakes to stay up the holler in safer places. We did not spray and it’s been over a year and everyone has kept their part of the treaty for the most part.

In fact, a cable technician came to reroute our cable under the house and he was amazed that he did not see one spider. He wanted to know what we were using so he could recommend it to other people. I, of course, did not tell him my method. I was a coward and told him I did not know.

I have even attempted to make a treaty with fleas because my little Sabrina cannot tolerate the flea medicine and we are afraid to put it on Missy now. My dog is the only one receiving monthly doses. So far so good.

The end of last summer we had a couple of rogue wasps dive bombing us. One we caught and let go. The other one hid. I renewed the request for cooperation or Bob was going to spray. Something amazing happened.

Two spider webs appeared the sliding glass door that leads into my house from the back porch. And in the web were two wasps. It appeared that the spiders, not wanting their places to be sprayed because of stubborn wasps, took matters into their own hands.

This is when my partner finally put away the insecticides and had to admit that my method may be working. Well it’s not my method, it is some natural method that I stumbled on.

I cannot promise that this will work with every critter. I don’t have exact steps to follow but I will give you a more detailed summary of my rationale and conceptual methods.

The basis of it all lies in my thoughts on the Natural world and Nature. I explained that at the beginning.

My perception of life is in layers. The physical world being the manifestation point of the other layers of life. Like a play being performed. That is the manifestation of the writer, producer, actors. The finished product is performed in front of the audience. This represents the physical world to me

In the scene behind the scenes is where the real work is done. In a play, writing, rewriting, editing, choosing the actors, rehearsing, marketing…all take place in the scene behind the scenes. A place to construct the manifestation of thought, deed and energy. That is where my workings are done. In the scene behind the scenes. The layer behind the physical world.
My next step is to think of what type of treaty I want to make with whatever creature is not cohabitating well with me. I always try to use the process of conduction rather than resistance. Conducting them away rather than resisting them. Force invites force …conduction motivates a flow.

I go to The Higher Source…I personally believe there is a Source of all Life, A Creator Being, and you know I am a big fan of Jesus and a few other representations of the Creator Being. Go to the Highest Source that you have trust in. I ask to communicate with the consciousness of whatever critter I am negotiating with. I also have come to believe that there is a stream of consciousness that is shared within a species. (the hundred monkey theory and all of that)

I think of what I want to communicate in words..and I gather the feeling inside me (the energy of my communication)..I send the words and the feelings to the higher consciousness of the critters I want removed into the “scene behind the scenes”

Kind of like this. I say to myself, “I respect your place in nature but your presence in my habitat is not good for either of us. I must live here but you can easily move to a place that is better for you. Please leave before the poison is brought in.. Please go somewhere else that is more welcoming and compatible or the spray/poison will be used.”

Ask them to be gone in 24/48 hours. Explain that your habitat is dangerous to them and all they have to do is relocate to be safe.

I don't know why this works but it does. And it feels way better to do this than spray, trap or just outright kill them. All I know is it works for me.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Stepping Through Doorways

I know it sounds kind of strange but that's how this comes to me. Life brings many event, situations, dilemmas and cycles. Each time there is a moment where we step into the doorways of these things that we are led to.

It is scary at first and sometimes we want to run away. It's too much, we are not equipped to handle the new things coming at us, we have no frame of reference and quite frankly it is way out of our comfort zones. And sometimes we are looking for an easier way out than going through the doorway to a different thing than we have ever known.

The fact is most of the time these challenging situations that present themselves right in front of our faces are opportunities in disguise. Opportunities for growth, self learning, confidence building. It gives us a chance to know ourselves better. Our comfort zones are not always the best place for us to be. This does not mean it is not painful, scary, uncomfortable or anxiety producing. Even amazing things can prove scary and challenging.

I know my pattern. I take a step, peek around and retreat quickly. I regroup, take a few more steps into the new situation, while internally gauging my sense of response ability. There have been a few times where I was just thrown kicking, whining and screaming into the doorway. But I always found my way somehow. AT some point I take a deep breath and start taking more determined steps until I find myself totally in the new room.

I gotta be honest here, my first response is always denial. I am not familiar with the situation, it is not in my frame of reference and it is not in my comfort zone so I do try and pretend to not to have "response ability" to the situation. I manage to work through will finally dawn on me that if I am here then what is happening and how I handle this is my responsibility. I finally gain the ability to respond to this new challenge.

I am familiar with many things about life now because of my adventures into things unknown to me. We are not born with familiarity and knowledge of everything in this physical world. But we can learn, one step at a time. It expands us, adding "rooms to our internal house".

I am now observing my partner as he is being presented with "doorways" into challenging situations way beyond his frame of reference and experience. It is Definitely not in his comfort zone. Moving to West Virginia has been one new situation after another. And so far he has faced most of them with admirable results.

I am thankful I am able to observe his patterns without butting in, taking over, lecturing, nagging, using guilt and sarcasm as leverage to push him over the threshold. I am able to see the resemblances of his experience to mine. His first inclination is always to refuse his ability to respond. He tries to ignore the doorway but he always ends up taking that step. First he is discouraged, mad and irritable with the situation.

He will tell me several times, "I don't know anything about this, I can't take care of this, I don't know how." I wrestle my big ego to the ground and just listen. No helpful epitaphs to "Man the hell up, Pull your big boy pants on". No, none of that. It doesn't help. I also do not run in and try to fix the problem so he won't have to face it. I will help after he has taken responsibility for the issue. It is not up to me to take his learning experiences away. The fact that he is frustrated by it is a good sign. It means he is already challenging himself to move out of his comfort zone and work on the issue.

I listen and let him verbalize his frustration. After he does this, he begins to focus on the situation and actively steps in "the doorway" and begins working on whatever needs to be addressed that is out of his frame of reference but staring him down in the face.

Time and time again I have seen the results of his ability to respond to these challenges and it is always good. His world is growing. As I see this happen to him, I realize that my world has grown as well, one doorway at a time.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Sometimes Anger is Good Medicine

First of all, I am not angry at anything or anyone. I just feel anger rising out of me. It is not snapping, popping and crackling inside me like Rice Krispies shooting out of me. It is a pretty steady flow. I first noticed it when I realized I was getting impatient doing my usual evening routines. Then the mental sarcasm begins. Then it hit me..I am angry.

It's funny when I don't grab on to issues, people or things to explain or blame it on, anger isn't so bad. It's clean, fast and burns inner crap and nonsense to the ground. What I am left is an underlying sense of possibilities that were obscured by my pattern of "I have to, I should do, I must do, That needs to be done, I didn't get that done, That will never get done,"

The flow of anger I am sensing at this time says,"Screw all of that nonsense and sooo what! There are more important things for us to think about, more exciting projects and adventures to focus on. Forget all that little stuff, throw it out and see what is left. Focus on the moment, damn it!" Interesting.

I can see now that anger has a place. It kind of works on the same wave length as chaos. It brings things down to a naturally occurring and being level. Anger is not painful (if you don't drag a bunch of stupid issues to connect it to.) Anger is helping me see my direction clearer. Anger cuts to the chase on important things. It clears out inner clutter in a few hours, clutter that normally would take days and weeks to clear out. It overrides my anxieties and fears and shuts up the insolence and pettiness of my ego. Like thunder and lightening that clears the air. No tantrum, no drama..just a strong, steady flow of heated angry energy processing through me.

I am not sure what I will find out after the storm subsides but I am pleased to learn that sometimes anger is good medicine.

This I Know

Stumbling through life has it's merits.  I can see this now.  It's messy, uncomfortable at times, enlightening, joyous, heartbr...