Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Back in the Saddle Again

Well...all I can say is, December was very challenging for me.  In ways I cannot explain.  I am not sure what exactly was going on inside of me but everyday was a myriad of uncontrollable emotion.  From anger, frustration, even rage to total heartbreaking sorrow.

At first, I attempted to "fix" it.  But after checking myself out. I realized that deep down I was fine but the surface of me was a raging mess of emotional soup.  So at some point I took a deep breath and stopped resisting.  I processed the discomfort, I gave myself Reiki, meditated as best I could and and took each day step by step, second by second and minute by minute.  I used all of the techniques my Inner Guidance taught me.

All the while, deep inside me, I felt assured this would pass when I processed enough of the mess rising up from within.  It is ironic because this feverish tsunami of painful feelings broke on December 21.  I was struggling to get over the mountains during a snow storm.  I was on my way to Georgia to visit my son.  And while working toward staying on the road and not going over the side rail...I sensed a shifting of space inside of me...and a sensation like something snapping in two.  The heaviness and sensation of constant painful sensations was gone.

I came down the steep grade of 77 s...on snow and ice almost crying in relief.  I felt such a sense of release.  

It's not entirely over but it is more directed.   A lot more painful things that I long buried came through during this time.  Today I am processing them.  Observing the sensations and any flashes of memory that come with it, allowing it pass on and leave me.   I am asking for help forgiving things that hurt me a lot and to forgive myself for things that I did that hurt others.  For my own healing I need to do this.

So I continue on my way.   I know I have learned a lot from this struggle.  As I have from all of the struggles of my life.

I wonder what is next?  hmmmmmmm...

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