I can see now that deep grief will rip the scab off of any grief I have ever had that I did not fully process. Any grief that has been repressed is buried somewhere inside of me and becomes triggered by any new grief.
It was really miserable the first three days. I was pretty much immobilized by this crushing pain and I cried so much my eyes were almost swollen shut. I felt so lost and too horrible to even move. I just sat, cried with the intent of processing my pain. Not resisting it..allow the rawness of it to move through me. By the fourth day I was moving out of the sorrow bound state.
My next stage was irritation bordering on anger. I watched that with great curiosity. Where in the world did that come from? I didn't act it out because I was too busy observing this phase of my emotions.
This too passed but it left behind some interesting inclinations. It left an urge to "clean up my house". And I don't mean the house I am living in..(although that could use a good cleaning, too.) This urge involves taking a look at the mess the death of my beautiful friend stirred up. I am really scrutinizing some aspects of my emotional and social life. What do I like and need and what do I keep around just because it's an emotional habit? That is the question. What pleases me and what do I need to leave behind?
It will take me a while to process this. More wisdom is always welcome no matter what method of delivery is used.
So besides the wonderful 14 years I shared with Evie, my dog...I am also grateful for this opportunity to review what is working in my life and what is not. Thank you Evie! I miss you!
I totally relate. A loss in July is still very fresh. I am still dealing with grief from losing my Mom in December. It comes and goes and takes time. Sometimes it will hit out of the blue and really slam you... all very normal. Wishing you peace and healing <3
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear about your mother. Thank you for your kind comment. Take care..I wish you great peace, comfort and many many blessings.
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