Sunday, May 22, 2011

Help, My Plot is Missing!

My daughter said something very interesting a few days ago. We were on the phone and she said to me, "I feel like I have lost my plot." Wow, did that hit home. What an excellent way to put what I am working towards. Lose the plot be what is there. We are not meant to live in a plot. A plan or goal, maybe..but these things are never the totality of us..of our life.

A plot is a storyline. Part of the personality facade we wear to hide and/or to appear a certain way to others. We are living a life not a story line..We are what we are not roles in a plot. How profound it seems to me.

I have clearly lost my plot...my storyline went to the skids. I am floating with no ground under my feet. I am not saying I am in dire straits..no..I am probably in a better place than I have ever been.

It is also one of the scariest places because I have time to think about it. In times of catastrophe I acted...I didn't mull things over there was no time. I literally lived from one crises to the next barely taking a breath.

But now I have the space and time to pause and regroup. And decide how I want to live my life.

It hit me this morning that there is a chance I may never work as a nurse again. It may no longer fit in my authenticity. I am so grateful to this profession...it allowed me to keep me and my family going. But now it may no longer be viable for me..

I am not sure what I will do...But I get a very strong feeling that I will not continue working as a nurse. And for a while I may not have a "regular" job at all.

I will be working but on other things. I have faith these other things will allow me to generate income.

I am feeling some strange things right now. Sadness, guilt, grief, fear, anxiety to name a few. I am allowing myself to feel this. It is real and happening for whatever the reason no matter how important or unimportant it appears. To be an authentic being I must legitimize my emotions no matter how silly or painful it is. As my new best friend, I will help me get past the stuck places; one step at a time.

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