Sunday, January 29, 2012

Houston, we have a problem.

I haven't written for many days. It's not just because it was a difficult week. And believe me, it has been. It's more than that. It is not The most difficult week of my life by a long shot but it has been incredibly confusing. Confusing in a way that I cannot put into words.

And I know it's not just me that is experiencing this strange and confusing time. Two of my best friends had their husbands become suddenly and dangerously ill this week. Within a day of each other. I don't mean a bad cold..I mean life threatening symptons appearing suddenly without warning.

In my own domestic world there are troubling events. My partner is experiencing some type of emotional upheaval. I pray it does not cause him to become ill. He is going through an incredibly frustrating time emotionally right now. He believes it is related to his job, worry over things he has to take care of, worry about his truck, worry over his responsibilities and sleep deprivation. I think its all the same thing.

He hasn't slept since yesterday afternoon when he got up to go to work. He got in late this morning and could not sleep. At 2:30pm he had to leave for work again. He normally looks very healthy and is in good humor. I am usually amazed at his endurance and his enthusiastic attitude towards exhibiting this endurance.

But today I could see him fraying around the edges. It broke my heart. He did lie down and I gave him Reiki, prayed to all my trusted other worldly Assistance, fed him well and assured him of my love and admiration. That's all I can do.

His usual uplifting outlook on life has hit rock bottom. I did not want him to go to work like that. He just seemed hopeless. I even tried to lessen his sense of responsibility by telling him that this kind of life may not be for him..and he needed to live in a way that was more pleasing to his soul.

I am doing what I am led to do. I will pursue this (whatever it is, I am still not sure exactly what I am doing..I am just doing it) with him or without him but I do not intend to drag someone I love along when it makes him miserable. That I cannot do. He looked at me stunned and said,"It's not you, it's my job it is wrecking my truck."

What? Really? I am no psychologist but even I can tell there is something way more wrong than this.

It was so bad that I cried when he was getting ready to leave. I know it made him feel worse and God/Goddess help me I tried to hold off til he left but it just came with a force.

I did pull myself together by taking the trash to the road for the pick up tomorrow and then taking a walk in the freezing cold with my dog. I came back and finished the resume I need for the Herbal Medicine program I am attempting to get into. Also I worked on my homework for the Healer's Apprentice program I am in. It was difficult but I managed to switch my focus enough to do what I needed to do.

My heart is worried and hurting for him. And I cannot help him. It makes me mad..what kind of healer am I if I can't even help the man I love?

But then my Guidance comes through and leads me to see this is a challenge that he must go through. For reasons that have nothing to do with me. And once again it's like a miserable bad cold. One of those that you just endure to get through it. It will either get better and make him stronger or make him sicker. It's up to him.

It his quest, his challenge to take steps necessary in the direction he needs to be going in. I can't do that for him.

Times like this I kind of start badgering myself about why I am not working full time as a nurse when I know it would ease the burden of this immensely..but I can't. I won't. I have a direction that I am headed and I need to be present in that path for now. No matter what, as long as I am able to breath, right now that is my goal..to pursue the path I am on. And so I will and so it will be. *sigh*

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