Wednesday, January 11, 2012

OK, So What Do I Do on the Days I Am Plagued With Doubt?

And no matter how much I heal and progress, times like this occur. I honestly don't think anything can or will make these feelings disappear for ever and ever..nothing short of a lobotomy. And I don't recommend that for anyone.

I believe these slopes of doubt etc...are part of the human condition. Again, it all points back to the biggie that underlies the emotional/ego life of man, fear. I have utilized observation and awareness of my emotional upheavals, big and small, to the best of my ability. This is what I learned about myself.

Internally I construct expectations of things, events and situations. These are usually dependant on of everyone and everything around me sharing and working towards realizing my own personal expectations. Which is not going to work. Everyone has their own expectations, dreams, goals, matter how closely related they are in spirit and emotions.

It doesn't work so fear begins to surround my emotions like a fog moving in. Pretty soon it is triggering doubt, resentment, self pity, envy, anger at anyone or anything closely connected to me and my expectation as well as feelings of inadequacy. This in turn begins to trigger my ego/emotions to dig up things I repressed that resembled these feelings. And Bam! I am filled with doubt. Which I have come to believe is self doubt. I refuse to trust myself enough to see what is really going on.

At this point, if I have not recognized my internal mechanisms and how they work in this, I begin constructing a full blown obsession. An obsession about the object of my expectation. Crap! It really becomes a mire of quicksand at this point.

What to do, What to do?

By utilizing self Observation, my first step is to become Aware of what I am feeling at the moment. By engaging the State of Acceptance. Where am I? What am I doing at this second? What am I seeing? This pulls my focus to the Now and away from my internal obsession, fixation or whatever stage my emotions are involved in constructing these. I identify the uncomfortable feelings without attaching what I believe to be the cause. To sense what I am feeling and to identify the places in my body that are feeling the most discomfort from these sensations.

My next step is to allow myself to Acknowledge the discomfort and let it flow through me freely. Preferably in a quiet place with no one else around me. In my personal faith structure, this is energy. And I allow it to flow through me and out of my aura.

I ask my Guidance to help transform this heavy emotionally charged energy to healing energy. And of course, I always ask for Guidance to help me work through this and learn what I can from the situations. At this point I am Legitimizing my emotional discomfort by processing the uncomfortable energy/feelings. So it is not repressed, sent to the "junk storage" area of my second chakra/solar plexus to rot, fester and be triggered later by seemingly unconnected stimuli.

When I sense the discomfort subsiding, I begin to deliberately Circulate my Aura. I focus on my heart center opening. It is at this point I can begin to "See" the situation more clearly and reevaluate in a healthier way. I can actually plan steps to help me identify personal and relevant goals pertinent to my own growth and life, rather than construct expectations. And there is a difference. (Another day, another blog post)

And then, I engage in one of my most important "rituals". Taking time for Gratitude. To observe my blessings, naming to myself and Being Thankful for each and everyone.

Am I fixed? No..nothing was really broken. The goal was to see the challenge in a more objective way. To distance my issue from the internal storm my emotions create around it. To process discomfort my ego/emotions created inwardly..and some that I stored from God knows when.

The challenge was to see that I need to work on trusting myself more. That working through the internal mechanisms of self doubt is a tool I can utilize for self growth and self knowledge. I am now able to identify the most common thread that underlies all of my emotional upheavals, fear. I am so thankful that I am finally starting to get this. The ability to recognize fear is truly a gift. Now that I can recognize it, I am growing in my ability to work through and work with this powerful force.

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