Saturday, January 21, 2012

Painfully Sad, Troubled and Using it as a Learning Experience

I am very sad today, painfully so. I am troubled in my heart and mind. The hell of it is, I don’t know why. It was triggered by the thought of going to another state to file a deceased friend’s will.. That led to anger and resentment about my partner seemingly ignoring the things I need him to either accomplish or participate in helping me accomplish around the house and grounds.

That led to further anger and resentment against my friend’s family for their apparent refusal to involve themselves in anything that requires effort.

Now for the truth of it. Because I am observing this and I am able to retain a bit of objectivity, I know I am projecting my hurting heart and troubled mind on to people to possibly blame for my dilemma. It is a futile effort on the part of my poor ego, still struggling for control.

I am pissed off and very sad, therefore I pointed fingers of blame at the most convenient scapegoats. These people have nothing to do with my present dilemma. It is my dilemma, it came from me and my repressed past painful memories. That is the truth of it.

Obviously I stumbled on something that triggered some deeply repressed emotions from the past...distant and not so distant. I even had flashes of things about my last job that hurt me and angered me. I am really beginning to “see” how the emotions and ego can totally run away with my mind and thoughts.

Thankfully I was able to get a hold of myself before it escalated any further. Acknowledgement, Observation and Awareness has taught me to stop attaching reasons to my discomfort. To identify where the discomfort is presenting...and in this instance it is a painful stream of sensation resembling “hurt feelings” located primarily in my second chakra and heart center.

These sensations were so powerful when my partner left for work that I just went to bed and cried while I allowed the feelings to run through me....At some point the pain was alleviated and my heart center and second chakra were flowing much better.

The feeling is back but not as strong as before. I feel the need to cry getting closer but its not here yet. I catch myself trying to just do other things and ignore the feelings while processing them. When I do that, I noticed the resistance makes the painful sensations stronger.

I may have to go and settle in a chair, cover up and surrender to the flow. Breath the painful feelings through me and out of me, transmuting it to healing energy. I will circulate my aura and finish the whole process off with a prayer of gratitude. And probably then I will treat myself to a long hot soak in the tub and a big cup of tea.

For years and years I thought I knew what caused this pain in me. When something like this occurred I could always attach it to something happening in my life.

But now as I throw off my preconditioned attachments and projections; I find that in truth, I honestly do not know what has caused or triggered this.

The good thing is I feel something else trying to rise up out of me and its not a bad feeling. It’s almost like something wonderful that I lost was buried under that mess of feeling and struggling to get out.

I will stay with this. Processing it, observing it, legitimizing my feeling and my body’s response. I will comforting myself like a best friend.

These uncomfortable sensations of pent up grief, sorrow, resentment and anger need to come out of me. It's almost like a deep infected wound. A wound that needs to drain freely before it can heal. And that is what I will do.

Everytime I experience this and work through it, I feel freer and more self empowered.

I can't wait to excavate the treasure buried I know I will find when I get that messy garbage cleared out of me.

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