Friday, January 6, 2012

Reviewing my Progress and the Mechanisms that Helped Me So Far

I have come a long way on my journey. But, I have a long way to go still. I wanted to stop for a bit and review how some of the changes I notice in myself have occurred.

As I move along I can really begin to see how less compartmentalized concepts involved with day to day life seem to me now. I am beginning to see my emotional, spiritual and physiological self as more of a whole rather than compartmentalized portions of life. They are beginning to merge and even work better together. It’s not perfect and there are glitches..but there is enough merging that I am beginning to see myself in a different way.

I will review the changes I have noticed in myself. Through Acceptance, Observation and Awareness.

First, I am much calmer inside. The raging tempests are soothed. The ultra self defensiveness, the intense mood swings are less intense, the ability to move out of slumps before I get down in the “depression pit”, my increased patience and compassion for others. And the most important, I am entering into a state of self love and acceptance.

Am not sure what initiated the enhanced changes first. Did my spirituality guide my emotions/ego and physical self to follow? And what was the bridge that began connecting them in my mind.

I am no scientist but I believe; after reading some things about brain and body chemistry, that meditation, practicing the state of acceptance, gratitude and trying to be my own best friend, have created new neuropeptides in my own body chemistry.

It is causing new patterns to emerge. I am noticing that I was once so caught up in my painful emotions I didn’t notice a lot of awesome stuff around me. Now because I consciously practice being in the state of acceptance, my focus is more in the “NOW” and I notice more around me. That in itself created more patterns of feeling and behaviours that our very enhancing to my self and my environment.

I can have days when I don’t feel so good about others or myself. It will trigger things that I have not processed yet. Things that are buried inside me. If I take a moment, realize what is happening..I can change the pattern. For example....My partner will say or do something that triggers something I did not process from the past. I will begin churning it over and over..lost in the flood of painful feelings. I now recognize the pattern and will first begin to pull my attention into the “Now” by stopping the flood of emotion/ego by asking, “where am I, what am I seeing?”

This breaks the pattern long enough for me to begin allowing myself to process the uncomfortable feelings in a more structured way and soothing my ego/emotions by asking them gently to calm down and be quiet. Like I would ask a fretful child or a hysterically emotional friend.

I no longer treat myself like an annoying foe. I no longer resist or fight down the “bad or uncomfortable feelings.

By using deep breathing, attention into the Now..I can process the discomfort without engaging my entire self into it. Observing it, being aware of my discomfort, letting it flow through me..It doesn’t always totally make the discomfort go away but it does not take over my life and send me into a downward spiral any longer.

I give myself Reiki and circulate my aura while I process the discomfort.

Over time this has become a pattern. A healthier one. It takes less and less time to pull myself out of the “wallowing swamp”.

I am not only treating myself like a loved one who is distressed, I am consciously processing emotional discomfort that will not be repressed or buried. It will not be triggered later down the road by some random event, situation or words. This gives my ego less to grasp a hold of to trigger my emotions. The new neuropeptides I am creating in my brain and body chemistry, are too busy triggering things that help me along. Peace, Joy, Compassion, Forgiveness.

The big step was giving up my life in Virginia and basically giving up my career as a nurse. At the least, I gave up the kind of nursing jobs I normally had. Less hours and less responsibility. Now that is a relief to my mind, body and soul..however it has taken a strange turn with my ego/emotions.

I am now struggling with the fact that my egoic identity was so tied up with my nursing persona. My ego craves the validity and legitimacy, imaginary or not, that working the way I did as a nurse gave me. At first I thought it was the loss of the fairly large income I earned and the benefits. But I don’t think so.

I am not a nurse..I am a being who is trained as a nurse with a lot of experience. Being a nurse is not my identity...I didn’t lose anything truly...but it feels like I have. I am trying to use this time to teach my self that I and everyone else are beings. We are not our jobs, careers or lifestyles. I now recognize this as another aspect of “fear based preconditioning”. So much of our lives are shaped by fear..unconscious and conscious. So much of our preconditioning is based on fear. Fear is not a bad thing but I don’t wish it to rule my ego/emotions and life any longer.

This challenge will take time. Like a few others I have that continue to be buried deep inside and are hanging on for dear life while I try and process all the junk I stuffed down in my poor second chakra..which I appear to have used as a storage for unwanted things. But I am cleaning it out little by little. I am beginning to trust my ability to do so. I can not only feel the benefits of clearing out this “junk pile” emotionally but physically as well. I can’t describe it fully. I feel a physical relief in my lower abdomen ..particularly my second chakra and my solar plexus. Also as I lighten the load heart is more open energy flows more smoothly.

There has been an unexpected affect of this clearing out business. I have actually found treasure buried under some of the repressed emotions. I feel stirrings of adventure and creative leanings that I have not felt since I was very young. Is it a coincidence? I don’t think so. But it doesn’t matter..I am so grateful to sense these long forgotten sensations.

Gratitude is another biggy. I am first, grateful to everyone who made this time for me possible. My parents who left me a house and land that has been in my family for generations. My partner who truly desires my presence in our home. He desires it so much that he is willing to work exceedingly long long hours..on a job that most people would find intolerable and very uncomfortable. But he seems to be thriving with it.

He seems to be proud and pleased that he is supporting us financially and most important he is very happy with the things I do at home. That is a blessing because I love to do it all. The inside work, the cooking, laundry, the outside work..(at least what I am capable of) I am beginning to see the many aspects of my creativity. To be honest, I am seeing things in myself and my creativity that I never knew existed in me.

I am grateful for this time to breath, move my body, explore my world. I am grateful for the time and space to recreate my own personal reality.

Am I fixed? No, that is an ongoing work. Am I on the right track for me? Yes, I have faith and trust that I am. I have a lot of things to work on..but it is more like an adventure now.
I am taking a old structure with good bones and potential and inch by inch, room by room, restoring, refurbishing and renewing it inside and out to please me..for my greatest good.

This cannot be rushed. There is not going to be a magical day when I will wake up and I will be totally whole and a creative genius. No, it doesn’t work that way. One step at a time. One choice at a time, second by second, minute by minute..hour by hour, day by day. That is how a life is shaped.

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