Sunday, September 18, 2011

The Insolence of My Ego or Reviewing Old Patterns

This is an excerpt from a journal I started a year and a half ago. Before I made the big exodus to West Virginia. I was amazed that it is as valid now to me as it was then. Even more so because I have corrected much of the issues just by being aware and practicing Acceptance. I am slowly making progress and I tell you it feels good. To be free of some of this is like being able to take a deeper breath of air.


Here it is:

After months of observing my inner workings with the lessons of "Acceptance"; I can see more clearly how I have allowed my ego to insidiously control more and more of my emotional responses. It is difficult to put into words what I perceive in myself when this happens but I will try.

A stimulus occurs, for example, someone I do not trust or like very well will come to me at work and tell me something I need to do. If it is something that makes no sense to me..or I have already done this; I immediately become irritated. And then the process of my ego kicks in. It jangles my emotions to the point I begin to dredge up every other time in my life I felt this way until I am overwhelmed with this helpless kind of frustration.

My ego and emotions are not being controlled by my will. My "shadow self' is still in the background goading me at times.

Why does this happen?

I can only ascertain that it is related to all the buried and repressed emotions I have still inside me. The times my feelings were hurt, felt a frustrated sense of being overwhelmed with no recourse to fall back on. The times I felt left out of something (probably illusional)..or felt I was judged wrongly. I buried this and didn't acknowledge how I was feeling in a healthy way..and it stayed down in me..growing in other forms. Like nasty misshapen mushrooms growing in a dark damp place.

My "dark or shadow self" finds opportunities to send the message of this to my ego who in turn alerts my emotions. I perceive that I shut energy circulation down to ponder and obsess over this. Self pity and fear are what I sense as the most prevalent incendiary devices igniting my self righteous indignation and subsequent increased self pity.

Oh and the worse and most embarrassing thing I find myself to perceive and insult or slight and then react to it by "punishing" the other person by shutting them out or ignoring them. In the long run that is more harmful to me than anything.

What should I do to stop this?

It can be stopped but requires honesty within myself and a focused will to heal myself. By continuing to mindfully practice "Acceptance"; I believe I can see the patterns of my personality that were previously hidden to me..they were so reflexive by nature and automatic.

And my insolent ego so cleverly and with stealth drops little tidbits to get me started.. It is kind of comical when I think of it this way.
The truth is I must trick my ego/emotions. To teach my inner workings another way that is equally reflexive but healthier to process stimuli.

It is impossible to be human and not have perceived hurtful situations. The trick is not to live in the entire litany everytime something uncomfortable happens.

So my plan of action?

Continue mindfully practicing "Acceptance" using the steps of center, balance and focus to help me keep flowing.

To deliberately raise my vibrational level daily through Auric circulation exercises or meditation or both

To circulate my aura frequently.

To Reiki myself daily ..physically and emotionally

To keep my heart center open and flowing

To go through the "formula for emotional control" as much as possible.

To recognize the signs of my ego/emotional response before it gets out of hand and acknowledge it for what it is.

To thank my "dark side" for trying to make things better..but show it better and more healthy ways to accomplish this..(haha)

Trailing Thoughts on the Matter

Doing this has opened my eyes a bit. I can see that most humans do compensate for what they perceive as a lack in themselves or a inferiority by allowing their egoic/emotional response to commiserate and validate these feelings. Whether it be with self pity, anger, self righteousness, intolerance.

But the human race is not my responsibility..My job is to free myself from this prison that I have constructed.
To see clearly that the majority of the things I emote, agonize and fret over are illusional and the ones that aren't are made worse by my internal battle with myself. I don't fix anything I just make myself feel bad, shut my energy down and everything else around me gets shut out. Good things, beautiful moments, opportunities pass me by because I am too busy feeling sorry for myself or being scared or insulted.

No comments:

Post a Comment

This I Know

Stumbling through life has it's merits.  I can see this now.  It's messy, uncomfortable at times, enlightening, joyous, heartbr...