Wednesday, April 25, 2012

The Tarot Self Reading Challenge

Last night the tarot class I found on Enchanted Forest was cancelled. Even though it was an online class; I had carefully carved out the time to view this. When it was cancelled I decided to get my kindle and read a bit but..I had a niggle to work with the cards some more.

I took my dog outside for potty business and even then I became aware of myself still trying to decide whether to practice the tarot by reading my cards again or do something else. Hmmmm...this awareness caused me to mindfully wonder why this is such a dilemma to my "chattering" mind which includes the ego/emotion duo over something so simple as a little decision about what to do next.

So I brought my dog in. I sat quietly for a bit in a chair, asked my "mind chatter" to quiet down and settled down to feel what I would feel. And it was surprising. I sensed this wave of fear and anxiety coming through me. I didn't try to stop it or shove it away. I asked my Guidance to help me acknowledge how I was feeling and process it. To "Conduct" the energy through me to become transformed into healing energy.

I had definitely triggered something very intense and painful inside me. Something that had been buried for a long time. That a small event like trying to decide what to do caused such a wave of discomfort was amazing to me. It was kind of interesting, to be honest.

So, as an experiment I decided to think about giving myself a Tarot reading. It was a strange feeling. Like it was a good idea but it caused me so much emotional discomfort.

Reading your own tarot cards is like facing yourself down. And, clearly, I did not want to face what the cards had to say. I still have fear and terribly anxious feelings from the past. I think that is what triggered it. Regardless, I helped myself process the anxiety and made the decision to read my cards.

My Guides have taught me that Acknowledgement and Awareness are two important keys to processing uncomfortable feelings through Conduction rather than Resistance. By processing this I can actually release it.

I did some deep breathing and Circulated my energy through my body and aura and mindfully stated the desire to myself to read my own cards as honestly and objectively as I possibly could. To continue processing any fear or anxiety that arose from this. That was my stated intent.

I shuffled and shuffled, focusing on the question I was asking. I frequently quieted down the mind chatter in the background. I laid out the cards and began the reading. I promised myself to not change the cards because I didn't like them or find a way to make them upright if they came out reversed. I would not read these cards from a position of helplessness and fear.

It was surprisingly good. The path I am on is definitely working towards a specific aim but it still isn't clear to me. I need to continue what I am doing. My biggest obstacles are guess what?? Anxiety, indecision and fear over small things. Well..I think that is the case for everyone if we get down to the nitty gritty. Which I think is where I am now. The nitty gritty.

I have made such progress in healing. Things that used to set me off, trigger anxiety attacks, push me over the edge no longer effect me the same. I am calmer and way more peaceful inside. The "mind chatter" has lost it's hold on my thinking. I can now sense where the "real mind" lies and how much deeper and wiser it is than the "chattering duo."(ego/emotions) But I still have a ways to go. Maybe this is a process that takes an entire life span.

I can now do my own tarot readings for the first time. Without reeling from panic and fear. Another big step for me.

And as always I want to convey my Gratitude to my Guides and all the Holy Ones that have given me this time and space to process, heal and grow.

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