Ramblings, Streams of Consciousness and Heading Down the Rabbit Hole

I don't know what I am doing right now. Everything feels different, strange and even alien to me. My environment is the same as it has been since I moved here. My body isn't working the way I would like and I don't feel so good, physically or emotionally.

It's like getting up one morning and looking over the landscape..it appears the same but feels strange. Like something has been moved or added without my noticing. My patterns are disorientated. The harder I try and continue with my usual routine the more it falls apart.

As much as I expound on living in the Now..and avoiding emotionally based ruts and structures..erm...well..it appears that I have did the very thing I always write about not doing. Hanging on to things as they pass out of my life...or..I am hanging on as I am separated from my physical life, concerns and structures and I go down into the rabbit hole that is the world inside me.

My body is in pain and the more I try to "fix" it..more things pop up..until I notice I am being given not so subtle nudges inward. I surrender to it. I am not giving up...giving in...I am surrendering to the call that I can't ignore. I have no idea where it is taking me..but I am going.

I feel such a strong trust in the calling that even if it was calling me out of this world..and my physical body permanently, I would go...without hesitation.

These are strange times for me. I don't know what else to say.

Moving Along

Once again, I am so thankful for the things my Guidance has shown me over the years for coping and working through things. They work..amazingly well.

Things are not all "fixed" or resolved but I am in the flow. Yesterday I made the decision to get a hold of myself and focus on the step by step process to clear my thinking and process the anxiety and it worked. I was able to take necessary steps and actually the whole thing became more manageable.

My partner calmed down because I did. He went on to do what he needed to do..(go to work)..I took actions to explore the issue and that little problem..(and yes that big insurmountable issue actually ended up being an easily solved little problem) was solved today. Amazing!

We almost made ourselves sick in anticipation of what we "thought" would happen. Today, before he went to work, my partner and I were actually laughing over what a huge deal we made over it at first. Then we just went ahead and did what we needed to do..and that particular dilemma is behind us. Oh there is more..but it's a step by step process.

I told him that I was hopeful that this taught us a really important lesson. Not to anticipate that everything is a big ax hanging over our head ready to chop our life into pieces. I am really beginning to see how dilemmas in our physical/emotional lives actually can expand and teach us vital and valuable lessons that actually enhance us on all levels.

Times like these push us out of any ruts, comfort zones, false sense of security we may be too nestled in.

Well, right now I have a list of things waiting to push us past any kind of rut or comfort zone. It's not easy but in the long run, it's a good thing. And I am thankful!

UGH

11:am

Things are still a bit difficult at this moment. Hmmmmm...it appears to be piling up a bit. Nothing truly devastating or catastrophic has occurred. However, it is adding up to be a bit of a dilemma. At least in this physical world. This, of course, effects the emotional world. And in that sense, it feels like a crushing weight.

Right now I am sitting here trying to think past my usual box, past my frustration and anxiety about the best course to take to fix something that has broken down. Something that my partner and I depend on everyday. Something that seems to break down a lot and that I am getting fed up with. But we need this object at this time.

My ego is chiming in nonstop. Self satisfied and sarcastic..reminding me that no matter how spiritually I am focused, I can not fix this dilemma with a blink and a wrinkle of my nose like Samantha..(from Bewitched fyi). I wish. But I will not be bullied by an overbearing ego. I will get that under control once I wrestle with my emotions which are trying to convince me to throw my hands up to the air and wallow in the floor crying and whining. Actually shrieking is what my emotions want to do. *sigh*

If I sound upset and discouraged, you ought to see my partner. He looks stunned, bewildered, totally overwhelmed and frustrated. And that is an understatement.

Ok..well..I do know this...emotions and ego tend to exaggerate everything that happens that is uncomfortable. So I know once I process through the haze of frustration stirred up by my ego and emotions..I will be able to discern this issue more clearly.



1:30
I am calmer now. I ran some errands and pulled my act together. I still don't know exactly what to do. However, I am more open to available options. In fact, I am open to the options that are for the greatest good. Underneath this swarm of anxiety and fearful wasp like buzzing inside me, I have deep faith that our actions will lead to the most favorable outcome.

Right now I am taking care of a couple of other dilemmas that have popped up at the same time.

I have given myself Reiki, circulated my aura, went through the steps of Acceptance, processed my emotions, did some exercises, ran some errands and now at least I feel I can breath and move forward. The next step was a prayer of gratitude for all the blessings we do have and a request for help in these difficult situations we face.

We will get through this. Like my best friend's husband always says, "It's like a bad cold. It is miserable, you can't escape it but it will run it's course."

Yikes..New Learning Experiences

Well, here I go again. I am on a new learning experience right now. And it is not going very smoothly. *sigh* Now I know I am not the sharpest being in the galaxy but really? I mean I have been around the proverbial block and across the street several times.

I should be able to handle these new dilemmas with one hand tied behind my back. A piece of cake, right? The first and most important thing that comes to mind as I enter this new doorway..is..The more I learn ..it just shows me how little I really know.

But all is not lost. I am fairly well prepared. I have tools that will work in any dilemma..This I trust. A really good friend told me something one time..There are some situations that come along in life that are like bad colds. There is nothing you can do to hurry it..Just get through the misery one day at a time..It is so true..and some of the best lessons my Guides have taught me in just this way. It is the difficult times that I get through that teaches me how to live better.

I will get through this..I am just a wee bit confused, bewildered..and ok damn it, I am scared.
Well..I am all about legitimizing how I feel about things..but in saying that..scared or not..it's time to man up, pull my big girl pants on..and get to steppin through this doorway.

Update from the Twilight Zone

Yeah, that's what it feels like. The "Twilight Zone". But not in a bad way. It's been a fast moving week with lots of changes and surprises. Some were good and some not so wonderful. The good news is I am able to move with it, observe the things happening as they occur with minimal obsessing or attempts to fix. On the whole, for the most part, I observed while moving through the days, events and situations.

I was involved yet not reacting to things as they unfolded. Since I have been known to grab on to events and situations and chew them over like a dog with a bone; this was a huge realization for me. It's kind of difficult to put this into words.

It appears that my conscious decision to process all uncomfortable feelings is catching on inside me. It is almost automatic now and it allows me to perceive situations and events with a teensy more objectivity. Which means no meltdown for me..Yay!

Sooo...here is how it is working for me. Something happens that looks like a big mess or obstacle. I catch myself immediately and begin acknowledging and processing the uncomfortable feelings these things tend to bring. Simultaneously I am observing the impact the event or situation has on my immediate environment. And because I am not rolling in the floor with a major temper tantrum or having a huge panic attack, I can ask my Guidance for assistance in dealing with the situation if the situation requires intervention of any kind.

Eureka..conduction really does work. It is resistance that makes me freak out.

I tried to explain my big realization to my partner. (Who pointedly asked me how I can stay so calm when things are falling apart) He looked at me with concern and said, Oh Sweetie, that's good" And then he added," You are so cute." He did everything but pat me on the head.

Oh well..I know it works..

I know I have been here before but it feels like new territory.

I am in the midst of, yet another, strange phase. I don't know what precipitated this, where it came from or why it is. It actually started around the time of the last full moon. I don't know that the "Super Moon" had anything to do with this. It is the time this new cycle kind of crept up on me.

The date is clear to me because there was so much publicity about the "super moon".

At first I , of course, caught myself resisting. It felt uncomfortable and a lot of things were happening in the physical life surrounding me as well as my "inner" life. Once I became aware of my resistance I began to "conduct" instead. And by that I mean I just allowed the discomfort to rise up in me and move through me as I observed it.

I found out some interesting things about myself.

I am not as adaptable as I thought I was. My daily "schedule" was changed because of things happening. I realized that even now I subconsciously attempt to construct patterns to live by for a false sense of security. Eye opener! I and the insolence of my ego thought I was way beyond that. Ha! No..evidently not.

The second thing I learned is that I am more knowledgeable about certain things in the physical plane than I thought. In fact, I am knowledgeable enough to actually help other people. How in the heck did my big fat ego miss that??

I don't believe in coincidence..I do however, believe in synchronicity. All I know is from the last full moon until now...there have been multiple episodes of people looking to me for advice about navigating the health care system along with other health related issues. Hmmmm..I thought I put that all behind me but nope.

At first I was reluctant and tried to just be a good listener. But after the third person contacted me asking me for advice..I knew my Guidance was behind this and I quit sitting on the fence and got busy.

And it appears that the things I know (from my experience as a nurse) mixed with the wisdom my Guidance gave me ..assists me to give good solid objective guidance. In every instance the outcome was improved because of my guidance and advice. That is really hard for me to put here. Because of all the concentrated effort I have made to work with my ego. This smacks of gross egotism yet..it isn't..It is an acknowledgement from my total being.

My ego was actually in the background whispering,"don't get involved with this..you could be wrong". (as if that was a fate worse than death

This plus a big change in my routine..kind of shook me out of the pattern I was obviously trying to erect. And as I said before I realize now that even subconsciously I am attempting to construct patterns and ruts to feel secure. Like ground under my feet. Well, I "know" in the deepest place of my knowing that the kind of security I am talking about and striving for does not exist in this physical world. It exists within me. So this was a good reminder..uncomfortable yes...but good.

I need to be reminded of things sometimes. Taken back to places I have been for a review and a reminder of sorts.

I am not exactly sure how to put everything I learned into words..but when I do..I will definitely write it.

For now I am working on breaking up any more "thought and energy" structures I have attempted to construct in my life to make me feel more secure. Those don't really work and they end up being a self imposed prison. I truly want to feel enough trust in my "Self" and my Guidance not to need to rely on a false sense of security.

My Reverence, Gratitude and Trust for "My Guidance"

As anyone who reads this blog can tell. Healing of the psyche, emotions and spirit is the direction that I move in. It is the passion of my life. My prime focus. What is my motivation for this? Well, it is myself.

I am sure I have mentioned several times in this blog that at one time I pretty much collapsed under a crushing load of stress, caregiver burnout, nursing burnout, exhaustion. The ravages of this caused a myriad of almost debilitating dysfunction; which included, insomnia, frequent panic attacks, major depression. At one time I was on 8 different medications just to function. I also saw a psychiatrist and two counselors. The psychiatrist to manage my medication, one counselor for depression and another for grief counseling. The only reason I was not hospitalized is because

1) I was not suicidal. I just wanted to go to sleep for a while til the pain and the conditions of my life changed.

2) I was able to function with some effectiveness as long as I was taking the medication. I was able to manage everything on my plate at least minimally. Enough to get by.

Sadly, this effected my quality of being a mother for my daughter and my son. I was there for them, my love for them was immeasurable but my ability to really present and effective for them was impaired. My son graduated from high school and left for college at this time. But my daughter still needed my full attention, guidance and support. And I was not able to live up to that. I am still working through the guilt of this..but that is ongoing and I am making progress.

3) If I were hospitalized then I could not take care of my husband..or support he and my children financially. (A lot of this time I was working two jobs as a nurse, one full time and one part time.)

I don't have regrets about seeking treatment from traditional external sources. Even in the depths of the pit I was trying to claw my way out. And I sought help in ways were traditional in this society. Yes, the medication did raise my serotonin level. And the counseling at the very least, gave me a couple of hours every week to acknowledge what I was going through.

But at some point My Guidance kicked in. I guess I prayed enough for help. Fast forward to the Now. I am like a different person.

Like many who realize that their Spirituality is the thing that will save them, I wonder why I did not turn to that in the first place.

But in desperation I did turn to my Spirituality. I focused on it like a drug addict focuses on their next fix. Like an alcoholic on their next drink. Like a drowning person clinging to a life preserver. That is how desperately focused I was.

Step by step, My Guidance led me out of that place. Teaching me about myself, about emotions, the ego, and the majesty of the heart. I was able to drop the medication one by one. Helping me balance myself and rearrange things, sometimes in painful yet necessary ways.

I regained my passion for life. A passion I was sure had died permanently. I did crazy things at times but I see now that I needed to shock my self into living. To live rather than just exist. Step by step I was led to the healing disciplines that would help me.

This process opened me up to so much more than I ever dreamed. My empathy for my fellow humans has increased a thousand fold.

My children are healthy, creative and living well despite my ineffectual parenting during that time. And the biggest blessing of all, they both not only love me deeply but have great respect for me.

I have grown from a desperate kind of attachment to My Guidance, God or Source, to a kind of Revered partnership. The reverence and total trust exhibited by me, of course.

I have learned so much about the "human condition". I am, by no means, an expert. However, I know that healing comes from within. If we are strong and healthy inside, we can handle external problems, catastrophes much better.

I have also learned that no matter how healthy we are inside, we will always be subject to fear, guilt, anxiety, anger, resentment..etc..The human part of us is wired that way through the emotions/ego. No matter how enlightened, grateful, loving, devout etc..we are..there will never be a day on this physical plane that we wake up permanently free of these feelings. It is part of the "human condition"

Knowing this is freeing. It's how we process these feelings that come up, not how to banish them forever.

So when you feel afraid, anxious, resentful, angry. It's ok..we are at least partially human. Just remember to be aware and acknowledge what you are feeling.. Legitimize the discomfort by allowing them to move through you with the intent to process. Conduct rather than resist these feelings, do not try to push them away, or connect them to a possible trigger.

And above all..Love yourself and Be Thankful.