Wednesday, May 2, 2012

My Reverence, Gratitude and Trust for "My Guidance"

As anyone who reads this blog can tell. Healing of the psyche, emotions and spirit is the direction that I move in. It is the passion of my life. My prime focus. What is my motivation for this? Well, it is myself.

I am sure I have mentioned several times in this blog that at one time I pretty much collapsed under a crushing load of stress, caregiver burnout, nursing burnout, exhaustion. The ravages of this caused a myriad of almost debilitating dysfunction; which included, insomnia, frequent panic attacks, major depression. At one time I was on 8 different medications just to function. I also saw a psychiatrist and two counselors. The psychiatrist to manage my medication, one counselor for depression and another for grief counseling. The only reason I was not hospitalized is because

1) I was not suicidal. I just wanted to go to sleep for a while til the pain and the conditions of my life changed.

2) I was able to function with some effectiveness as long as I was taking the medication. I was able to manage everything on my plate at least minimally. Enough to get by.

Sadly, this effected my quality of being a mother for my daughter and my son. I was there for them, my love for them was immeasurable but my ability to really present and effective for them was impaired. My son graduated from high school and left for college at this time. But my daughter still needed my full attention, guidance and support. And I was not able to live up to that. I am still working through the guilt of this..but that is ongoing and I am making progress.

3) If I were hospitalized then I could not take care of my husband..or support he and my children financially. (A lot of this time I was working two jobs as a nurse, one full time and one part time.)

I don't have regrets about seeking treatment from traditional external sources. Even in the depths of the pit I was trying to claw my way out. And I sought help in ways were traditional in this society. Yes, the medication did raise my serotonin level. And the counseling at the very least, gave me a couple of hours every week to acknowledge what I was going through.

But at some point My Guidance kicked in. I guess I prayed enough for help. Fast forward to the Now. I am like a different person.

Like many who realize that their Spirituality is the thing that will save them, I wonder why I did not turn to that in the first place.

But in desperation I did turn to my Spirituality. I focused on it like a drug addict focuses on their next fix. Like an alcoholic on their next drink. Like a drowning person clinging to a life preserver. That is how desperately focused I was.

Step by step, My Guidance led me out of that place. Teaching me about myself, about emotions, the ego, and the majesty of the heart. I was able to drop the medication one by one. Helping me balance myself and rearrange things, sometimes in painful yet necessary ways.

I regained my passion for life. A passion I was sure had died permanently. I did crazy things at times but I see now that I needed to shock my self into living. To live rather than just exist. Step by step I was led to the healing disciplines that would help me.

This process opened me up to so much more than I ever dreamed. My empathy for my fellow humans has increased a thousand fold.

My children are healthy, creative and living well despite my ineffectual parenting during that time. And the biggest blessing of all, they both not only love me deeply but have great respect for me.

I have grown from a desperate kind of attachment to My Guidance, God or Source, to a kind of Revered partnership. The reverence and total trust exhibited by me, of course.

I have learned so much about the "human condition". I am, by no means, an expert. However, I know that healing comes from within. If we are strong and healthy inside, we can handle external problems, catastrophes much better.

I have also learned that no matter how healthy we are inside, we will always be subject to fear, guilt, anxiety, anger, resentment..etc..The human part of us is wired that way through the emotions/ego. No matter how enlightened, grateful, loving, devout etc..we are..there will never be a day on this physical plane that we wake up permanently free of these feelings. It is part of the "human condition"

Knowing this is freeing. It's how we process these feelings that come up, not how to banish them forever.

So when you feel afraid, anxious, resentful, angry. It's ok..we are at least partially human. Just remember to be aware and acknowledge what you are feeling.. Legitimize the discomfort by allowing them to move through you with the intent to process. Conduct rather than resist these feelings, do not try to push them away, or connect them to a possible trigger.

And above all..Love yourself and Be Thankful.

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