Wednesday, October 19, 2011

I Know You Are in There Somewhere

woke up this morning with a deep and painful feeling in my heart. I felt anxious and sad feelings flooding me. It was so strong it woke me up. I had planned on sleeping in a bit because I stayed up late last night and didn't have to be anywhere this morning.

I lay there and tried to figure out what in the world was causing these storm of feeling. I certainly was not feeling anything sad, painful or anxiety producing. It was the strangest sensation. It was as if I was being pulled in two. One was me feeling pretty good and satisfied with life being pulled by something else showering me with these very painful emotions.

Thanks be, I have learned and/or remembered "tools" to help me in confusing times like these. So, first I strengthened my aura and energy centers. Then I relaxed into the uncomfortable sensations. Wow, it was overwhelming. Like being swept up in some kind of emotional tornado, a painful one. I observed this as objectively as I could and let it run through me.

I felt my "Inner Guidance" wished me to surrender to what was happening so I did. Then the whole scenario became even stranger.

In my mind's eye, I saw myself back in the cave where I first saw the man with the long sticks or antlers coming from his hat. The man that glows green and has a copper head for a companion. I keep coming to that person and that place for some reason.

I felt the man with the strange hat's presence and I was flooded with the sensation of relief. I guess my inner self has learned that no matter how bizarre he appears he always helps me.

I was lying down on the cave floor, the copper head was curled up on my stomach. The man began chanting and rattling this big round thing. It was the size of a small pumpkin and made of some kind of wood like substance. I smelled something spicy burning in the fire with a minty overtone. I could see a large white circle that appeared painted into the rock floor surrounding me. I hadn't noticed it before.

First I had the sensation of not moving. Lying on the floor just allowing that flood of anxiety and sadness to roll out of me. I began to feel a stirring inside me and I felt a dizzy head rush. The discomfort dropped away from me yet I could still feel it coming towards me in waves. Coming towards me but not from me. I realized that (in this yet another strange dream) I was hovering over my body. And I was not alone.

Facing me was another woman. She was young, appearing to be in her early twenties, with medium length dark brownish red curly hair. At first I thought it was my daughter and it upset me to feel such painful emotions coming from her.

My heart center opened wide and I realized who she was. She was me when I younger and newly married. I had just graduated from college the first time. I worked in a bank and we had just bought our first house. My first impression was puzzlement; as to why she seemed so unhappy. I don't really remember any traumatic event that happened in that era of my life. But then I realized I don't remember that time period that well. It was a bewildering and confusing time. Everything seemed to happening so fast, I didn't feel I could keep up.

I didn't really know what to do about this situation. We just stood looking at each other. She looked scared and just so unhappy. I felt my heart moving in waves of affection and love for her.

She became more solid and I took her hands in mine. She looked at me, her eyes so vivid with painful feelings. She said," I want to be like you. I want to be happy, I don't know what happened to me." Then the girl began to cry with big streaming tears as if her heart was broken.

That made my heart open more and I felt myself beginning to cry. I squeezed her hands and told her that she was me when I was younger. That she was always a part of me but chose to hide herself away.

As I was talking to her I began to feel all the confusion of that time in my life. I realized that no traumatic event had occurred. Just a tragic condition of me not loving myself and trying to live the way I thought I should, according to what I perceived was expected of me. Not knowing myself enough or loving myself enough to know I was valuable and what I wanted was valid. The time of my life where I just could not measure up. I thought I was frumpy and ugly. I didn't know how to interact with my husband. I made a facade to help guide me. Instead of listening to my heart I emulated others to construct what I thought was the correct life for me. In short I did not believe in the validity of me. I did not trust my heart enough to find out what I wanted and how I wished to express myself in my life.

I was amazed that I could not see myself the way I really was at that time, at that age, at that stage of my life.

In truth it was a time of my burgeoning creativity. A time I could have accepted myself and my spirituality. But I didn't. I shut it all down because I thought of myself as inferior. I developed a culture of self denigration and denial of my true self.

I did get through this era of my life and I did learn from it. By the time I was in my thirties I was beginning to know and accept myself a little better. It wasn't perfect but it was something.

However, the particular part of myself that I was facing at this moment had shut herself down. In pain and confusion. Feeling unloved and not able to fit in the world, a part of me shut down.

As these realizations came over me. I told her that I had come a long way since then. I found my way and I had made it through some really rough times. Instead of breaking me, these times strengthened my spirituality and gifted me with wisdom. Leading me to where I am now. A place of healing, joy in life and learning to really love myself. I was learning to honor and trust my being, my spirit. My creativity was opening up wider all the time. I was learning (remembering) how to experience joy and wonder in my life now.

I held out my arms to her and asked her to come back home to me. I told her I needed the creative vision that she had hidden. I would open the beautiful heart and spirit that she shut down. We both began to cry and she came closer. She felt like a solid person and we hugged each other so tight and it felt so good. Then we became less solid..and she moved closer and closer until we were not separate.

I found myself back on the floor of the cave. The man was smiling and sitting on the ground beside me. I was thanking him when I "woke up" from yet another waking dream thing.

I am amazed how different I feel. The painful feelings are gone. Corny or not, it feels like part of me came back. A part I didn't even realize was missing. A part of me came home today.
I am so thankful to all of my Guides and The Creator. What an incredible feeling.

Maybe the part of me that I shut down so long ago, was so shut off that it felt separate. Maybe that's why I felt that sadness from nowhere. I honestly thought it was someone that needed me to send long distance Reiki or pray for. Yeah..it was..it was part of me. A part of me that wanted to return to the whole, perhaps? For wholeness is my goal.

Whether it sounds crazy or corny..or not. This is my story and it was satisfying. Wow, I wonder what else I have hidden inside me. Well, if I am meant to find other hidden parts of me..I will.


It makes me wonder about other young women transitioning into adult life. My heart feels for them. For some, like me, it can be a painfully bewildering experience. I am thankful for this opportunity to know myself better.



Landscapes: Volume Two from Dustin Farrell on Vimeo.

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