Friday, June 29, 2012

Reminder to self: Life is an Adventure

I am feeling a bit put out with life in general today. A little discouraged, disillusioned and confused with a dash of anger to add to the mix. Why?? It really doesn't matter. I know what the trigger is but to be honest, it isn't big enough on it's own to inspire this wave of discontent.

I have been trying to get into a local herbal medicine class since last February. I have jumped through all the hoops, signed the papers, gone to all the pre-class interviews etc. I was told as soon as there were enough students, the class would start. I dutifully called every two weeks to find out when and if the class would be starting. I was always told, "not yet, but soon, maybe in a couple of weeks."

Well finally they called and told me to come and fill out another application and take an introductory class. So I did. After arriving there I found out that a class had started in April and was just now finishing up. What??? How could that be???

At first I was stunned, then frustrated and confused...and then I became angry. I processed it all...allowed myself to feel it. And yes, I even cried about it. (After I got home, of course)
I am savvy enough to know enough about myself now, to recognize my reaction is not just about this discovery. It is a trigger for long buried reactions, responses, emotions that I repressed. Add the "insolence of my ego" into the mix, and you have a recipe for exaggerating the impact of this oversight.

I would like to say I am over it. I know it sounds like a small thing to react so strongly to but it was a very important step for me. However, after processing the flood of emotions that swept over me because of this, I find that the initial intensity has faded a lot.

In fact, I am now in a place where I can hear my inner self saying, "everything happens for a reason, in it's own way and in it's own cycle". I believe it. I have done everything I can do to be available for this class when it comes up again and now I will just move along with my own projects. Keeping my eyes and heart open. Who knows what could come along.

I have no idea what could happen next or what I could find. What I do know is this: I do not want bog myself down agonizing over being overlooked for the class. I don't want to be held down and captive by my emotions and my ego over any issue. I want to process the things that bother me, learn from it, release it and move forward. I want to see what could happen next.

I want to continue proving to myself that life is an adventure, not a prison sentence.

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