Doing homework about positive and negative projection patterns

I may have mentioned this before; but I will reiterate.  I am involved in a Healer's Apprenticeship Program under the enlightened and excellent  direction of Lynn Boggess in Roanoke, Virginia.  My Guidance found and chose this wonderful woman and her school  a few years ago.  It appeared to be quite random but it wasn't.  Luck and randomness come under the heading of "synchronicity and serendipity" in my world.  Anyway, how and why I found this school is another story for another day.  Suffice to say I am very thankful my Guidance led me there.

This particular program has five parts as well as  other mandatory classes on Herbs and Shamanism.   All the students are Reiki Master/Teachers.  There are 27 of us.

The program requires extensive written assignments.   Half of the assigned work pertains to our internal concepts and workings.  The rest involves detailed accounts of our practical and hands on work.  Joint cleansings with conscious projections, cord healing, removal and replacements, conscious projections into animals, plants, trees etc.   Along with the case accounts of our basic Reiki treatments.

I am currently working on the part about positive and negative projection patterns.  It has really got me thinking.  Which is the point to any type of homework...but still, conscious awareness to my own particular patterns is eye opening.  First of all, I can see that I have made a lot of progress with my own projection patterns.  My inner workings have evolved enough that I can see that what used to be negative projections from me are gone.

I still have some situations in which I stubbornly continue to project myself negatively but knowing and acknowledging it are like having keys to unlock the cell.  Once you figure out how to utilize the key then you can free yourself from the restrictions imposed by "incorrect" and unhealthy projection patterns.  (I hesitate to use the word negative or dark all the time when speaking of something less than wholesome.   It gives it a label of something bad which  negative and dark are not always incorrect)

I realize that one of my largest obstacles represented by my "negative" projection patterns is my almost apologetic and shamed feeling about not having a job.  I notice when I am with other people and they ask me what I do...and I say I am don't have a job yet,  I feel a strange mixture that is both defensive and apologetic.

I project my own misgivings, anxiety and yes, even shame at my lack of a job.  I am projecting disapproval of myself and then I feel others are disapproving of me because I am not working.  Then I imagine I feel suspicion from them..about why a nurse doesn't have a job when there is such a shortage.  Then I feel this anxious urge to go on about all the job offers I have had but they only want full time..and I am only going to work part time..yada yada...then I imagine they think I am a lazy person.  *sighs*  This is so embarrassing to admit.  I struggle with this constantly.  By the time I get done with all of my incorrect and unhealthy projections ..my "ego" defensively feels like others think I am the village idiot or something. This is ridiculous..And because I project this...others are unsure how to take me.   Then I make amazingly boorish remarks about being a "kept woman".

Hello!  This time is a gift!  What doesn't my ego/personality (dark side) get about this?

And yet, on the other hand,  this is the most blessed time I can remember since my children were born.   I was guided to do this and I am clearly on a path that is leading away from the things I used to do.
I have time to do and enjoy basic and simple things I never had the opportunity to experience before except in short bursts occasionally.  I have met people in the past in similar circumstances and I was joyous for them..it never crossed my mind to think of them as lazy.  I thought of them as clever, fortunate, inspiring and courageous.  For all I know that is what people think of my life.  My life could possibly be an inspiration to someone that feels a need to find their own authentic self and life.  While I imagine they are thinking I am shameful and lazy because of my unhealthy projection.

I am going to try and work through this negative pattern.   I want to project what my heart and inner self knows without a doubt.   I know this is what I am meant to do right now.   This homework has brought this issue to the forefront.  I will stop resisting how I feel ..and acknowledge it.  I will be my best friend and view this with compassion and gently move my conscious projection to one of serenity, joy and celebration of this time of my life.  For that is how I feel deep inside.

I can't overcome it by resisiting, for that.that makes it stronger.  However; I can  gently break it down with constant reminders of the importance of this time....of the need for healing and what I have lived and grown through.  I will grow through this.

I promised myself that from now on when someone asks what I do I am going to 1) immediately put my attention on my projection of self...and remind myself that this is a glorious time.  2)  I am going to simply state I am in a career and life transition and leave it at that.  3) If I feel myself sinking back to suspecting the other person thinks me lazy etc...I will remind myself that it is my own anxiety causing this feeling not the other person's opinion of me. 4) use the tools I have for improving and healing my emotional state on this issue..through  Reiki, meditation,etc..

I will adjust this challenge as necessary.  But I have identified a unhealthy situation and developed a plan of action.   That is good.