Friday, July 8, 2011

Am I following my "Inner Guidance" or am I schizophrenic?

My inner workings have taken a turn that was, at first, subtle. Now I realize it is turning into a major shift. I have finally see how much power my ego/personality have over my emotions. I knew before in a peripheral kind of way. But now I KNOW.

I can see how my conscious mind is so focused on this physical plane and totally preconditioned to adopt and adapt to a collective socially constructed reality. My ego and personality are geared towards satisfying the illusionary need to agree and become part of this socially constructed reality. This allows me to experience a sensation of acceptance in the "Big Illusion". It is false for me..and it never worked. I now see why.

My Guidance has also shown me it is not about obliterating my ego and personality. The idea is to know the power they have over my emotions. Their purpose is to help guide my human consciousness that is focused on the the "physical plane of social reality". Without training they take on a life of their own. My Guidance is helping me train mine. Train them gently and with kindness. To gradually pull them closer to my Inner Self or Higher consciousness. Where all of my parts become whole. Working in unison to further my inner growth and expansion. To loosen the hold my ego has over my emotions and free myself to "Be" my most authentic self.

There is an old story about each person having two wolves fighting inside us. The one we feed is the one that is more dominant and leads us. I want the wolf I feed to be the one that is connected to my Guides and higher consciousness. For there is my truth, my path, my freedom.
A true state of Acceptance. At least this is my truth. I certainly do not think that it has to be the truth for everyone.

I am now mindfully observing my thoughts, reactions and responses to stimuli. And when I catch thoughts becoming derogatory of myself or others..if I start feeling that when something goes wrong it is a punishment for being dumb..etc...I image myself hugging my ego/personality and emotions and asking them to calm down and let's see what happens before they rear up. I ask them to quiet down. And it is working. I don't have it any means. But my awareness and my method has lessened the instances of the occurrences and the degree of tenacity at which they usually hold me has decreased. I can get past it...calm myself down inside and work things out within me in a much calmer manner. ego/personality came up with a new tactic. I caught myself mentally (never out loud)
asking my emotions to calm down while I observed the big picture. I assured my emotions and my ego we would all be fine. The next thing I know I have this thought..that involved the word, schizophrenia.

Hmmmm...that hit home. It got me. My partner was sleeping (he works nights) and I ran into our bedroom and woke him up. I said," Simon, do you think I could be schizophrenic?" After he remembered where he was; he sat up and said, "No, sweetie, just a little eccentric at times, and you are so nice. You wouldn't hurt anyone."

OK that didn't help much. So I asked my emotions and ego to calm down and my thoughts quieted..the wave of fear and shame calmed down. I meditated and prayed for quite a while and I did feel much better. It may not be the way of anyone else to do this but it is working for me. I felt strengthened. I am living under Guidance. I have changed my whole life because of the faith I have in my Inner Guidance/God/Goddess/Source/Divine Mother/Divine Father.

I came on my blog to write this. (Facing down the residual emotions of shame and fear at being considered eccentric but not dangerous..omg.)

I wanted some music and got on youtube to activate my playlist. And I found this song that kind of popped up randomly. I played it and was like an answer to my prayer. I am so thankful I found it and I am thankful I have this opportunity for inner growth, expansion and deepening faith. I am thankful for this Magnificent Presence in my life. And it's ok if anyone thinks I am crazy. I know The Presence hears me. And that's what matters to my truest Being.

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