Friday, July 22, 2011

Contemplation

I am not at a peak or valley today. I am in a plateau, in between where I have been and where I am headed. I can look behind me and see where I have been. The steps that led me to where I am now are visible. However, I honestly cannot see where I am headed. The path is unclear but I know it's there.

I am in a stopping place, contemplating the many levels of healing and growing that are so important to my being. It is an ongoing process. I have learned a lot about myself the last few months. It's almost been like a crash course. A stark and honest view of myself.

It is easy to see ourselves as very grand or very inferior..but the honest and authentic view is unsettling and humbling. And for me it is the hardest. I am not grand nor am I inferior. I am just what I am.

I am not anything like I perceived myself to be or attempted to present myself to the world as. It's like studying a stranger. I am a being with a physical body who "knows" that my truest connection is beyond this physical plane. Be it my higher consciousness, creator force, God/Goddess. It guides me and helps me keep my heart open. For to me, the heart is the intersection of all levels of life. My heart knows the way. It is the main terminal between this world and beyond. It connects my spiritual, emotional and physical life.

I am more connected with all of my parts than I ever have been. I notice subtle changes in my personality or persona. I am quieter inside and out. I feel less and less of a need to fill up conversations that hint at my imperial wisdom and life expertise. Why? Because it is a facade. Whatever I have learned...whatever hidden wisdom I remembered has taught me to observe and listen more.

In retrospect I can see that conversations usually involve exchanges that are specifically geared to compete. For example, let's say a friend needs to talk about things that are happening to him/her with me. Then for some reason I feel the need to let the person know that my experiences were just as difficult, amazing or tragic. Instead of listening and observing..I take over the whole conversation. For what purpose? Sharing experiences? Maybe. But I think it was some ego ridden desire to reassure myself of something or maybe just not to feel left out. I am not entirely sure what my motivation was. But I don't want to perpetuate my part in these types of competitive exchanges any longer.

It's not right or wrong. It's not a bad thing. But, my Inner Guidance has taught me to stop doing that. If someone feels the urge to speak to me about things that are happening to them I find myself doing more listening and observing. Less cutting in with my own experiences.
I know can see that it is my ego/personality seeking reassurance of validity. I don't need to do that. I am valid. The person speaking to me is valid. The experiences the other person wishes to speak about are valid and do not need competition.

So..yeah..that's one of the subtle changes I have noticed. Another is I don't thrust advice on people unless they specifically request it. I have always been scrupulous about never giving advice that I did not experience and utilize myself first. But I was very free with my opinions and advice even when they were not requested. Again..it isn't wrong or right. It is not a bad thing..it is just not correct for me. Anymore.

I believe it is about being more planted in "the now" Observing and listening to what is happening in my environment.

That's all I have to say for now.

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