Saturday, July 2, 2011

Sometimes it is painful

Inner healing is a minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day process. There are no quick fixes that cause to you wake up one day totally healed and whole..unburdened of collected garbage and baggage. Step by Step I have finally come to a place where I know I have progressed.

However, sometimes it is a painful process. Today was one of those days. As I work to clean up my emotional storage room I hit difficult areas. An area with trash piled on top to hide the mess underneath because it is so painful to look at or think about . But today I had to face down one of those areas. It had to be done. You cannot clean a messy room piled with junk without sorting through the junk to discard the trash.

I stumbled into a corner that was surprisingly hurtful. I acknowledged it and made several attempts to let it go but it was like sludge that dries and sticks to the floor. I gave the area that hurt Reiki, and continued as it loosened and began to flow out of me. I did an aura cleansing while it continued all the while sobbing uncontrollably. The heavy hurtful bruised feeling got stuck in my heart center. It took most of the day to get it to move out of my heart center and finally out of my crown. I asked my Guides for help, of course.

During the process of getting it unstuck from my heart...My Guidance told me I had to forgive the person...acknowledge the things in that person that I disliked so intensely and was so hurt by were things that I do not like in myself. They wanted me to contemplate that behaviors are triggered by the kind of mess I am trying to clean up. And we are all connected no matter how much the human condition leads us to believe we are separate. To hate someone..to be so hurt and upset by her..is to hate and be hurt by myself. I never could get this part til now.

I gave Reiki to the situation and person that stood out among this mess in my emotional storage room. I forgave her and the situation. I acknowledged our connection. I acknowledged that only by holding on to this without letting it go in forgiveness gives it power over me. I allowed it.
I am finally getting it.

It took me almost all day for this. There was no hiding it..it was what it was. Me being totally emotional. Simon was supportive in his funny way. He thought I was upset because he didn't like my cabbage rolls very much. HAHA! I wouldn't cry over that. I made them cause I was hungry for them. I didn't go into details but I just told him I was having an emotional day..and sometimes I needed to cry. He held me, made faces and pretended to cry with me. That made me bust out laughing..while I was still crying. It was sooo damned wierd..but ok.

He was just relieved it wasn't anything to do with him. I told him no..I was very happy with him..(this while I am trying to control heaving sobs..haha). He said, You are a weirdo, that's why I am crazy about you." Thats good!

He went to work, I pulled myself together and went to the store. I am making Shrimp and Grits for dinner tomorrow and needed a couple of things. Then I had to get gas for my lawn tractors.
While at the gas station I met a woman who was walking around with her large red Macaw on her shoulder. He was 16 years old and his name was Red. What a cutie.

I went home and unloaded my stuff. Then it was time to water my wee garden spot. I got my helper, Evie (the dog) and my water buckets and away we went. While I was watering my plants I tripped and fell. I am talking airborne here. It was hilarious. I scared my dog and my cats but I was fine. It seemed to shake the residual heaviness out of me. I am sore but it actually felt as if something in me was relieved when I fell. I know that sounds strange but it's true.

Well..I am sure I have more garbage to sort. I am getting down to the deep and nasty stuff. Stuff that hasn't been acknowledged for years and years. But I have the tools and the total desire to be free of it. To be clear and authentic. To know myself and love myself. For my mind, body, spirit and emotions to work together as a whole.

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