Even "Blah" Days Have a Purpose

For the last two days..I have felt "blah".  It is the best way to express it.  I have no reason, in fact, I have so much  to be thankful for.  I do not feel ill.  I just feel somewhere between a kind of anxious emotional discomfort. I  have lost my footing, my plot, my motivation.   Well..I want to live groundlessly and without a plot..I want the truth.

Motivation I like..but I know it's not really lost ..just misplaced for now.  But wait!  Maybe to just be is enough motivating force on it's own?  hmmmm..

It makes me feel kind of hollow or listless inside.  I have the time and space I dreamed of..to create, write, or anything I feel like doing that I never had the chance.

The most creative thing I did today was to finish putting in my tomato plants and finished cutting my huge yard.  And I spent time with my partner today, helped him get ready for work this evening.  Today was not a bust by any means..just something was missing.  The magickal quality of possibilities and a sense of purpose.

My first impulse was to drive myself to do some big household project..but I didn't do that.  I allowed myself to acknowledge what I felt.  I didn't try to run away.  On days like today..any little thing that needs to be done just feels like a annoying burden.  I allowed me  to feel that way and I mindfully did not try and move away from it.  I stayed with the feeling cause I have learned from other experiences like this with uncomfortable feelings..there is something there.. I guess I try and treat the potential weakness..(the kind of feelings that make me want to zone out, override it, run away etc..you get the picture) as having an equal potential for covering up a hidden strength.

I have no answers but my day moved on.  I remembered to cut in on the "inner whining", gently like a good best friend and remind myself to spend equal time being grateful for my blessings.  I just kept moving and taking deep breaths, putting myself in the Now, admiring the view.

I still have a vague discomfort in me but it is not as strong.  I am not trying to fix it..just stay with it as it works itself out.

Sometimes I wonder if this is not caused by different "energy tides" that move through our atmosphere..and perhaps some people are very sensitive to these.  Maybe these days are my response to certain Tattvic Tides?

The good things about this day is it made me more introspective and contemplative.  Instead of reacting to it..I responded with recognition and acceptance while observing the whole process.

Well, you know it can't be all goodness and light everyday.  There has to be a balance.

Sparks of Insight or Streams of Hidden Wisdom?

I woke up with this running through my head.  What is this all about?  For some reason I love the phrase,"Sparks of Insight."  It makes my heart feel lighter and happier when I repeat it.  Sparks of Insight?  Does that mean the sparks of insight ignite into something bigger..like streams of hidden wisdom?

What is my "spark of insight" today.  I woke up with this excited kind of energy running through me.  So strong it is almost uncomfortable.  My mind began frantically whirling, trying to figure out what I should do today.  The mind chatter became deafening.  I got a hold of myself and took some deep breaths.  I placed myself in the Now with my full attention after gently reminding my mind chatter to calm down.

I have learned that in those priceless and rare moments when I can calm my emotional/egoistic based mind chatter down; simple but profound insights emerge.   I become inspired rather than driven.  I have begun to note that the more I mindfully practice this, moments of calming my mind chatter the more my mind responds.  These priceless and rare moments are slowly becoming a pattern that I recognize and welcome.

Maybe the "sparks of insight"  help me open the "streams of hidden wisdom."  Maybe that is the message for me.
I am not sure where the sparks of insight will lead me today.  It is beautiful out, the sky is blue and the sun is shining.  I am in the Now, the mind chatter is quieted.   And in this moment I am again reminded; Life is an adventure not a prison sentence.

Another lesson for me about Acceptance

I woke up this morning with this crazy idea.  I harp so much about being my own best friend something in me wanted me to take this a step further.  Kind of like acting on my words.  Manifesting the idea into a mindful act.  So I opened my eyes and lay in my bed and thought, "What would you like to do right now?"  The answer came quickly,"I want coffee."  Ok, so I got up and made coffee and began thinking of all the productive stuff I should be doing..the mind chatter revving up.

I respectfully demanded the mind chatter stop and thoughtfully questioned myself about what would be a good thing to do next.  I wanted to go and sit on my back porch.  I took my coffee and my book and plopped myself in the chaise lounge, enjoyed the beautiful sunlight streaming through the trees and admired how green the grass was.  My neighbor started up her lawn tractor and immediately the mind chatter began again.  Urging me to get busy and do something.  Again, I respectfully quieted the mind noise down and proceeded to read and drink my coffee.  I did this for a while and my partner woke up.  He wondered out and we talked a bit.

I decided I wanted to do something else.  I got up and walked in the house and pointedly ignored the messy kitchen.  I wanted to do something different.  I walked into the bedroom and opened my closet.  It came to me that I wanted to move all of my winter clothes to the other closet and bring in my summer clothes.  So I did that.

My mind chatter seized the opportunity to start up again but I was truly on the track of doing what I wanted.  Of being open to what I wanted to do.  Not what I should do or what would look productive but what I wanted, truly wanted to accomplish.

I decided I wanted to clean the guest bedroom and the other bathroom.  I didn't hurry because I reminded myself, I don't have to hurry right now.  I am in a place and time that does not require that for now.  Before I knew it that was done.  I was sweaty and tired but pleased.  I wanted to take a break because my body was tired and I was thirsty.  So I went back out and plopped on my favorite chair on the back porch.  Sipping my tea I thought how good it felt to accomplish what I truly felt like accomplishing.

I spent the entire day doing this.  I ended up cleaning up my entire house (except our bedroom and bathroom..that's for another day) including mopping the kitchen floor and I did all the laundry.  I spent time with my partner before he went to work and even cooked a great dinner that he loved.  It was wierd it was like effortless effort.  There was no pushing and driving myself.  It was work but it was so satisfying.

After I write this I will go and fold all of the laundry while I watch a few episodes of True Blood on Demand.

I wonder what I will do tomorrow?

I think this is a part of Acceptance.   I was accepting of myself and what I wanted all day.

Help, My Plot is Missing!

My daughter said something very interesting a few days ago. We were on the phone and she said to me, "I feel like I have lost my plot." Wow, did that hit home. What an excellent way to put what I am working towards. Lose the plot be what is there. We are not meant to live in a plot. A plan or goal, maybe..but these things are never the totality of us..of our life.

A plot is a storyline. Part of the personality facade we wear to hide and/or to appear a certain way to others. We are living a life not a story line..We are what we are not roles in a plot. How profound it seems to me.

I have clearly lost my plot...my storyline went to the skids. I am floating with no ground under my feet. I am not saying I am in dire straits..no..I am probably in a better place than I have ever been.

It is also one of the scariest places because I have time to think about it. In times of catastrophe I acted...I didn't mull things over there was no time. I literally lived from one crises to the next barely taking a breath.

But now I have the space and time to pause and regroup. And decide how I want to live my life.

It hit me this morning that there is a chance I may never work as a nurse again. It may no longer fit in my authenticity. I am so grateful to this profession...it allowed me to keep me and my family going. But now it may no longer be viable for me..

I am not sure what I will do...But I get a very strong feeling that I will not continue working as a nurse. And for a while I may not have a "regular" job at all.

I will be working but on other things. I have faith these other things will allow me to generate income.

I am feeling some strange things right now. Sadness, guilt, grief, fear, anxiety to name a few. I am allowing myself to feel this. It is real and happening for whatever the reason no matter how important or unimportant it appears. To be an authentic being I must legitimize my emotions no matter how silly or painful it is. As my new best friend, I will help me get past the stuck places; one step at a time.

Legitimizing emotions (being my own best friend)

It is fairly easy for me to write on this blog when I feel a clearness and balance in me. But no matter what I do or how many obstacles I get through....I always come to a place that is unbalanced with obstacles. I am uncomfortable and a bit fearful of a lot of things right now. Why?

I suppose because I have managed to get through all the other obstacles and now here is another. Which proves once again to me; No matter what you accomplish, endure or overcome, there are always obstacles (challenges).

And what are my obstacles now. Well, my body is acting up. My knees have been bad for a long time..my back..etc..I suppose from years of being on my feet for hours..A lot of nurses have bad backs and knees.

Walking, stretching, belly dancing, yoga has always helped it stay manageable. But I let my guard down and they are screaming at me..like never ever before.

I am not sure what to do or if anything is meant to be done. I am just stuck right now..and it is more than my knees and my legs..and other things. There is more weighing in the balance of this crossroads of what to do for employment right now. It is scary but kind of exciting..like I am on the verge of discovering something beneath the scary stuff.

Make no mistake about this..this is scary to me. I cry and become anxious but then something else kicks in..and I am calmer.

There is no solution right now..no way to get the ground under my feet. All I can do is be there for me as I feel this. Face it down and be my own best friend. As my own best friend I can calmly request with assertiveness that the insulting mind chatter quiet down..to redirect the denigrative remarks that I know are a product of fear and wanting a quick fix for even a false sense of balance. I now remind myself that the mind chatter is trying to help..in the only way it knows..insulting and haranguing..that is what my ego and emotions have mistaken for motivation. Knowing this really helps to quiet this madness inside my head down. That's a blessing.

FTW

Among other things, I am a gamer. I started out on Ultima Online and landed in World of Warcraft a few years ago.

The title of my thinking/writing today is one of the many abbreviations that make up the slang type lingo of world of warcraft.

FTW is a popular one that is used frequently and it means "for the win". This is especially true in the PVP areas. (player vs player)

I have a few characters but my main is a level 85 Troll Rogue, one of the "Horde". Her name is Kiewei and she is a wild woman. Her partner in crime is another Troll Rogue named, Gorloklok. The person behind that character just happens to be my real life partner. I actually taught him to play and we have played together ever since. We quest, bgs (battlegrounds for pvp), do dungeons and raids together. We got each others back. When we are out questing or foraging for raw materials to make stuff for ah (auction house) we are on the lookout for the Alliance. The Horde's enemy.

If my character gets jumped by a human or dwarf, my partner comes running. And Kiewei does likewise. To be honest when we are playing and we see one of the alliance we either leave them be or help them out if they are overrun by mobs (non player character monsters). Fighting only if we are jumped. It is so much fun.

Now the interesting thing about mmorpgs (massive multiplayer online role playing games) is no matter how much you love fantasy and want to immerse yourself in it..the human condition always plays out. Even in a Blood Elf, Tauren, Night Elf and Dwarf. The same things that go on in general real time society go one ingame. The same drives, emotions, egotistical concerns, kindness, cruelty, sadness and the big one..Drama. It is everywhere. No matter where you are if there are people there is drama. I am not above drama. For instance if me and my partner are lfg and one of us gets accepted and the other one doesn't because of our class or a lower gs we /gquit. And then QQ, Haha

I find it fascinating..and I think that is one the things that draw me about mmorpgs. I don't care for television that much and I get to observe and interact with characters with real people controlling them. That is what I am contemplating today.

FTW, For the Horde with no QQ! (QQ= ingame whining)

Recharge

I meditated for a long while. It felt so good..like being away and returning home. It didn't immediately fix everything but it helped place things in a perspective I didn't see before.

Meditation to me is like an extended prayer in which more energy than words are used. It's like washing my insides and outsides out on all levels and stabilizing my core. I feel connected and my most authentic self. Because you can't hide what you are when exchanging energy with Higher
Sources/God/Goddess/Creator.

After I meditated; I made dinner while I wait for my partner to finish his sleep before he has to get up and get ready to return to work. Then I grabbed all my crystals from my altar and put them in a green bowl and cleansed them good with Reiki and then recharged them. I put them back and charged the grid. It feels great. Like a battery pulsating. I am listening to Arugama and burning my favorite incense.

At times it appears to me that I am so preoccupied with myself to the point of being self-centered. My "Inner Guidance" continues to help me remember that being occupied and centered in my self is where I need to be. From there I can expand. If I ignore it I get in my own way.

I don't know what will happen tomorrow or an hour for now. But for this moment in the NOW..I feel recharged, balanced and focused.

Routine or Rhythm or Both?

As I continue on my "groundless" way. I am sensing the expansion and the distance from my comfort zone. And I know I am about to go a lot further out than this..oh yeah!

During the years that were so overwhelmingly difficult..I drove myself day after day. Exhausted with too little sleep. I made myself get up and get going everyday for the sake of survival.

When the desperation was no longer there I could not break the habit of driving myself and filling up every minute of the day til I passed out with things I HAD to do. Then since I couldn't stop on my own..one day my mind just took over and refused to budge. And I could no longer drive and force myself to do anything.

I literally did not do anything above the barest of survival chores. I didn't even answer the phone and I wouldn't read the mail. I just let everything go except for getting me to work. Doing basic laundry that I had to have. I didn't cook I just put bread, tomatoes, cheese and yogurt in my fridge. And I would make sure there was coffee and food for the animals.

And I did take care of two cats and my doggy (and I still do). Every two or three weeks I would get into the mood to vacuum or dust. I kept the trash picked up and taken to the dump. I did clean my bathrooms. At first I was ashamed at my lack of drive..then I kind of began to enjoy it. It took about a year and a pattern developed...that was almost a rhythm..of taking care of my house and mail..I began to answer the phone again and go through my mail. I spent a lot of time with my sisters. And my friends. This was good.. And of course, I meditated like mad.

In the time I had since I wasn't driven to be productive every waking moment..I was kind of more productive. Since I had the time I began to focus on paying down my huge debt in a less desperate way. More of a challenge..It's hard to explain. Maybe my mind and emotions had rested a bit. Anyhow with a help of a good friend, I set up my bills online and made a budget..and I began working it.

Now back to the NOW! Here I am..in West Virginia. I don't have a job yet. But I was keeping pretty busy here. At first it was a rhythm..then it developed into a strict routine..by the time I got to "driven" my psyche, mind, spirit..all said NO! And maybe because of overextending myself all those years..I am not able to make myself keep up with the demands of the routine I set in place.

It could also be that I learned a lesson from this. And making these kinds of routines are just lame ass escape attempt. Anyway..I think it was kind of easing the anxiety I had about moving and deciding whether to go back into nursing or not. For whatever reason my "Being" shut the obsessive routine down. Routines like that do not invite rhythm and focus on the Now. Flowing with the Rhythm is the key. And sometimes that feels groundless. And that's ok..because then I am open to the NOW. The possibilities of this pattern are inspiring. The Rhythm feels good and healing.

Maybe this doesn't make sense to anyone else. But it does to me..I just don't know how to explain it better. And I guess that's all that matters because it is my growth and my healing.


To summarize what I learned from this:

Rigid Agendas are necessary at times for short durations depending on the importance of the situation. And should only be temporary to do what needs to be accomplished to aid survival.

Routines are beneficial because structure is helpful to the mind, body and spirit. For instance, daily Reiki and meditation are part of my daily routine. At least until I began that obsessive planning every second. And to be honest I think that is when I lost touch of my rhythm and flow when I became too busy to make meditation a priority. And I became anxious about deciding whether nursing is really what I want to continue doing. Instead of facing it..I overrode it.

I can now tell when I am headed onto this slippery slope and can intervene. yay!

So I have concluded that; at least in my life, both Routine and Rhythm work as long as it is within "the flow" of my life. As long as it leaves space for me to be open to the Now. To Acceptance.

Broken

Sometimes I get so caught up in the physical "reality", the human condition and my ego and emotions I really feel this way. Dramatic? yeah..but it is my truth. Sometimes I lose my way. At one time it was the way I lived. Everyday felt like this. I am thankful that I only feel this way occasionally. To be isolated, disconnected and overwhelmed is a terrible feeling. One I am still familiar with enough to develop a truer compassion for those who struggle with these feelings daily. Like I did.

When I felt this disconnected and isolated; it felt like "Life," Physical Reality, Society in general was deliberately trying to knock me down everyday. It seemed the harder I tried, the harder I fell. And sometimes I just felt like giving up. Until I learned how to surrender. And there is a difference between giving up and surrendering. But that's another story for another day.

I know this song is about a failed love with a man..but for me it represented my seemingly failed relationship with life..and times I just wanted to curl up and stop trying.

I was one of the fortunate ones. With the help of God/Goddess/Creator, my Inner Guidance (Guides), my children and my sisters I was able to pull myself out of the mess I was in. And learn a lot about myself on the way. But still, there are days.

Groundless

I woke up in a panic this morning. I didn't have an agenda. I didn't plan my whole day out to the minute like I have been. I had a suggestion/request from my partner to run an errand which I will do. But that's as far as I have planned.

I feel like I am in the deep end of the swimming pool and momentarily forgot how to swim and can't feel the bottom of the pool under my feet. I am groundless.

I have felt like this many times before but I quickly forced an agenda..to avoid the discomfort of feeling groundless. I am no longer doing that. Solid ground under my feet is an illusion. my authenticity is about what I do when I feel groundless. What do I do? I move along. I recognize now that feeling groundless is a form of fear.

I take three deep breaths; mindfully balancing, centering and focusing. I take a look around me and see where I am in the NOW. I circulate my aura and connect with my "Inner Guidance", my "Power Animal" and initiate Reiki.
Then I notice, feeling nothing solid under my feet, causes me to live from minute to minute, step by step, open to everything. Scary stuff but pretty awesome.


I am back and I have more to say about feeling "groundless". My mindful decision to move along without the solid ground of direction worked out in the strangest way. I have been searching for Reiki groups and Reiki shares since I moved here. I went to the Health Food Store (which took me weeks to find but finally I found it a couple of weeks ago..yay)

I bought some b-day present for the sister who is turning 50 something on Friday and who will be coming to see me. I browsed through the little bulletin board and couldn't find any listings for Reiki shares. The girl working there asked me what I was looking for...and I told her.

She said," Do you do Reiki?" I said, "oh yes". She beamed and told me in June she is planning to have a mini festival in the parking lot with massage therapist, yoga instructors and she would love it if I would come and do Reiki because so few people do it in this area. So she took my name and number and asked me to get on Vista and have some business cards done and bring some in.

Ok...I am doing that. Awesome. I was thinking if I found enough people interested in learning Reiki, I have enough room here I could handle 5 people or so at a time. But that is for another day to think over. Today I went, got my elderberry tea and b-day presents...And I came home and ordered my business cards.

All because I "leaned in" to my feeling of groundlessness. Awesome!

When I Gotta Downshift, I Know I Am Heading Uphill, Again

Yesterday I wrote quite a long blog. It was called; I want the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me Goddess/God/Creator. It was about me coming to the place that I just want to know the truth about myself. What I like and what I don't like. What I think about things regardless what anyone else thinks. I want to excavate the most authentic me possible.

And it disappeared. That never happens. I have actually started to write a blog, got the feeling it wasn't going anywhere and stopped and guess what? It was saved. But this was complete and it is gone.

Sooooo I will assume the "Inner Guidance" ..the Universe or whoever is running this show didn't want me to write that.

I will try this.

I have loved my time in West Virginia. It has been difficult at times, lonely, confusing, anxiety producing but deeply satisfying in a way I cannot explain. I have developed a routine of sorts to do the humungous amount of yard work and housework while I am not working and my partner is. I got a rhythm and felt it was coming right along. I was focused on it to the point that both my inner self and my partner was beginning to suspect I was obsessed. They were correct. Well partially so.

I think I am like a dog. Give me a job to do and I will focus on it until I drop or it is done. Whichever comes first. I don't believe that is what my Inner Guidance wanted me to work on here for the healing work I am engaging in. I am merely replacing one set of obsessive task orientated drives for another. There is a difference between forcing yourself to do a certain set of tasks..and doing what needs to be done and feeling satisfaction.

When I am engaged in the "driven" obsessive work..nothing appears right and I get involved with the feeling that I can never accomplish enough. Last week I had a feeling I should stop..an inner niggling to do what needs to be done sans the rigid obsessive drive. When I am in this mode I am not open to other things coming up that I need to focus on.

Well now I have to ..it hit me in the face. Not only have I hit a kind of physical/emotional dilemma..but I can feel my Inner Guidance urging me to "get a hold of myself". I have a sprained knee (a knee I am already having problems with to begin with) and another problem I don't even want to talk about here because it is embarrassing. Also I have hit a kind of emotional quicksand. I am stuck in a place that does not feel good. So I am forced to get a hold of myself. Take a few breaths, take a look around to see where exactly I am standing. And regroup.

The big clue really hit when I got a panic feeling that I wanted the house and the yard to look perfect when my sisters and daughter come next Friday. I kind of caught myself thinking this and was shocked. What? They don't care what it looks like. They are coming so we can be together and have a good time. I gave that up in a hurry. Dang.

Part of the regrouping is dealing with my anxiety about a job. That I want to find one is the truth. I want to contribute financially so we can have a little extra funds for traveling etc..I am not going to get into all the details of this now ..but I am staying with the anxiety. I won't try to escape.

At this moment; after getting a hold of myself, I am taking my day in stride. No more crushing schedules of getting stuff done. I will do it..it will get done fine without my obsessive preoccupation. I did make dinner..for me and my partner..Swept the back porch. That is a place I love to sit and look outside.

I wiped the kitchen down with bleach and swept. Pulled a few weeds. And all the time I was open to myself...Not blocking it all with an obsessive drive to "Get er done" gah!

Because I realized what I was doing was a form of escape. To take my focus from where it should be. To make a routine to replace the one I gave up in Virginia.

I can sense an uphill climb coming. How do I know? I have had to downshift. Uphill climbs are good. You see, learn and remember some awesome stuff. It's difficult ...this is true but worth it.

Sorry for the rambling. This is the truth of me today. Sooo..that's how it comes out.

I Want the Truth, the Whole Truth and Nothing but the Truth; so help me God/Goddess/Creator of All

I have been contemplating my inner mechanisms for some time now. And last night, spurred by emotional stimuli that probably resulted by my self[-musing; I came to a place inside me that wants the truth about me. What is my truth? What do I want and what do I need. Now, I have an idea but I don't know what the truth is behind these ideas.

I feel I am being Guided...and as I move down this course of my life I am noticing so many things I never noticed before. And it appears to be a "connect the dots" kind of thing. Where one thing leads to another thing and so on until a shape begins to develop. Acceptance brought me here..to this place where I am now facing myself down and asking, (respectfully, of course, cause I am my own best friend now..I am trying anyway) "What are your truths?" If I can get to the nitty gritty about what my truths are...It will help me along this path I am on immensely. And now is the time. I sense this inner prodding that prompted this urgent desire.

Processing my emotions and Acceptance has helped bring me to this place. I know more about myself than I ever did. And I no longer feel like the helpless victim of my emotions and ego (they tend to gang up on me sometimes, but that's just me) In the face of very intense distracting emotions, ego uprisings and anxiety I am able to get a hold of myself, utilize the tools I have learned (remembered) and dig out something beneath the mess that's worth keeping.

I am ready to begin excavating my personal truths. These will help me determine how to live my life in an authentic way. That is what I want.

But first I have to know what I want, as specifically as possible, and what I don't want.
Equally important.

I know I can only evolve and process what is inside of me. I am wise enough after all these years to get I can only change people and environments within me. And that means my attitude and approach to people and environments.

I don't want to limit myself, or tear down a road that is not my truth but a preconditioned idea of what my truth should be. I want the authentic truth about what I want and need to live an authentic life.

It won't be easy and it may take some time to continue the excavation of my self. But I am closer than I have ever been. I am close enough to know that the only person or thing that stands in the way of what I want, what I need, the most authentic and satisfying life possible for me in this realm at this time, is me. I want to be and to live as I am meant to, according to my deeper purpose.

Unsettling yes...but it is also an exhilarating feeling to get to this point.

Hypnotherapy? Past Life Regression? hmmmm

I been thinking about something lately. Well, I think about a lot of things but I been thinking a lot about the stuff I (and everyone else) have stored deep inside me that I don't want to deal with. I know it's there. I knew years ago. I have mindfully worked toward not adding anymore unprocessed and unacknowledged garbage deep inside me.

And also I been thinking about my son-in-law. A very gifted young man. Extraordinarily so. He is a Hypnotherapist (among other things equally creative)...I enjoyed listening to him speak about hypnotherapy. At one time I thought it was a bit leery of hypnotherapy but after speaking to him about it, I am not sure anymore.

I think I have too many memories of the showbiz version where people are barking like dogs and things. I know it is way more than that now.

I can see hypnotherapy being utilized as a tool to helping locate the things buried inside of us that can be processed and then let go of. I am all about that.

It becomes more apparent to me everyday how much we are influenced emotionally by the garbage we have buried deep inside of us that we didn't want to or could not deal with.

I think about it this way. Our subconscious stores every memory we have. I think of most of them as neatly boxed up and labeled for easy access when we need to find something. Our conscious mind can only store so much. But like any storage area garbage somehow gets mixed up with the organized stuff. Look at garages, attics, basements, spare rooms. There are well organized storage bins etc. Then something comes along and we don't have the time, don't want to deal with it or it is too painful to look at and we can't make ourselves throw it away..we throw it in the storage area.

It leaks, spills out and tangles itself with other things. It gets in our way when we try to go into the room to find the organized stuff. It blocks our way when we are trying to find something important. It attaches itself to our memories through painful emotions triggered by seemingly random events.

So....my plan was a few years ago when I realized this (thanks to my Inner Guidance) was to begin mindfully utilizing the "formula for processing emotions". (stimulus-perception-interpretation-response-reaction) Allow myself to feel what I feel and not shove it away at the same time anchoring myself in the Now. Reaffirming the "State of Acceptance"
Giving myself and the pain I am feeling Reiki while I process it. This is great and I truly believe it has assisted me to NOT add more garbage to the storage. And I believe I have worked through and cleared some of the buried garbage but there is more.

Today I woke up and was having coffee and watching the local news. A story came on about a nurse in Mercer County that was voted to be one of the most excellent nurses. It made me cry..and felt painful. It came suddenly and without warning. Ok..I let it go through me and ran through the formula ..etc...and then I am letting that sit on the back burner while I observe it; and a story about the "health care reform' came on and it started it up again.

I did not attach to anything..either stimulus. I have trained myself well enough to interrupt that part of the cycle and I am so thankful. So I could tell that the emotional discomfort was almost an equal intensity from both of the stimuli. Otherwise the subjects themselves were unrelated but definitely related to something inside of me.

After I stopped sniffling..(omg it just comes when it comes) and I processed the discomfort enough to observe it..I extricated this much information from my response and reaction. It was related to some kind of feeling of being left out or isolated from a state of exclusivity. Is the best way I can describe it. This is very embarrassing to admit and I will not trivialize the impact on my inner self (because I am learning to be my own best friend, remember?) Now I am not saying there is not more to this. There is but I can't get a clear enough "feeling-picture" of it to recognize.

First I am kind of elated to finally be able to observe this process and interrupt it in a healthy way. I am amazed at how my subconscious has linked two unrelated topics to trigger this painful discomfort in me. Interesting. Now I am damned curious.

Which brings me back to hypnotherapy. If I knew a trusted Hypnotherapist (my son-in-law is unfortunately far away from me at this time, dammit) I would be able to go deeper and see how these two totally different items triggered the exact same response in me and hence the reaction of crying and discomfort. I could see the garbage...separate it from the good stuff and clean it out of the storage area. What in the hell did I shove down there that would cause me to respond and react this way?

And then I was thinking ...some people claim that past life issues carry over into our present lives.

(And, Oh yes I believe in past lives! But that's just me and I respect the opinions of those who do not believe. )

People are fascinated with Past Life Regression. I know I am but my combined wisdom of the ages I have been in this realm have taught me that what or who I was back in the day have no bearing on this life span except for the experiential wisdom I brought with me. That's what I want to access and for the most part I believe I have.

But now I have another reason. If there is any leftover garbage stored in me from a past life issue..I want to process it and let it go.

I want to get out of my own way. I want to be what I am to my fullest potential.


And I find the human condition so fascinating. Even more so now that I can observe my own issues with more objectivity.

Ok..that's enough...my fingers are tired and I want to ponder some other things now.

Until later

End of the Day Summary

It was another beautiful day. And Thanks BE I feel so much better. I got up at 830 am..after sleeping so many hours. I had coffee..tested the waters of my tummy and it was good! The day called me outside. So while my partner slept (after he got home from work) I took my dog and we walked out my side yard all the way to the back where the outbuildings are..and raked brush and debris away from the building and the doors. Found the Roto-tiller and rolled it out. (and it looks to be ancient) I rolled it back to the garage. Not an easy feat but I did it.

I rested a bit after this and did other chores around the house and cooked dinner. Then I got ready to go to my aunt's house. After my love left for work I drove over to see her for a spell.

I came home and have been thinking a lot. About where I am going. I feel like I am headed somewhere but it is so different than anyplace I have been. It's hard to put into words.
I am moving steadily towards something big. I can feel it in me and but I can't name it or recognize it. It's a direction that I am headed that feels soo right. But how could that be?

The sense of this is so strong in me that I am going to trust it. And go with it. It feels like I am following the truest part of me to what I truly need and want in this life. It is not clear enough to me yet..at least in my conscious mind.

Tonight I was pondering this. I asked my "Inner Guidance" what is the next move? I always ask that everyday. I get answers but it is like flashes of a movie in my head..of me doing something or words that rise up in my inner vision..like reading in my head. In a crazy way..it's best if you don't ask cause if I try to explain it sounds crazier than it is. It just is.

The interesting thing about asking my Inner Guidance for direction..I do get answers..and it is always very immediate and very practical..for the most part..and then all of a sudden the answers take a sudden turn. Well everyday this week I asked as I usually do. Kind of recapping the day and what needs to be done. I usually get things like washing a load of clothes, reading a book, walk the dog, take care of something (like the car insurance last night. another story for another day). Tonight it was to watch television. So I did..I flipped through the channels and didn't feel any particular feeling until I got to Bravo I think it is..and there was a show on about Bethany Frankel. My Inner Guidance made it clear that this is what I needed to watch.

And it was interesting. I used to watch the Housewives thingie when it first started..that's where I first saw Bethany on television. After a couple of shows I just stopped...And because I had preconditioned myself to think that anyone or anything previously associated with that would be shallow and silly. Wrong..oh yeah I was wrong.

I watched her show and it was about her traveling to different cities to talk about her new book about getting through life in a better way. Well I am all about that. The book is called, "A Place of Yes".

Ok...I turn on the show and she is in an auditorium filled with women of all ages, shapes and sizes and she said," Break the chain" and "All roads lead to Rome" and my Inner Guidance is making it really clear that they want me to pay attention and to obtain her book.

Now, I find that odd because my Inner Guidance rarely urges me to read books. It is part of the breaking up the cycle of preconditioning in me. Anyway..I ordered the book. I read all the time but mostly murder mysteries. Very few metaphysical books. Except for the incident a few days ago. hmmmmm..

Well..that's all I have to say. I am still moving...step by step down my road. Can't tell for sure where I am headed..but it's ok...The way is pretty good.

Night

I Wonder What Happened Today

I made plans for today that I was really looking forward to. And the day is so beautiful and mild. There are water puddles in the yard from the rain last night but the sky is so blue and so clear in contrast with the varying shade of green everywhere with sunlight streaming through the branches of the trees.

What Happened? I went to sleep last night about Midnight with a little upset tummy...I woke up with a low grade fever and raging diarrhea with breath taking stomach cramping..DAMN! At first I thought oh this must be something I ate that didn't agree but no..crap...It is now 6pm and the raging nausea and diarrhea is gone I am just left feeling like someone ran over me and then backed up to make sure the job was done.

So..why would this happen? I really looked forward to going to my aunt's for dinner. I looked forward to going for a little drive afterward. Hell, I even looked forward to filling my gas can up with gas for the tractors then coming home and raking up the yard in the very back with the outbuildings.

I did nothing. Well I did make my love something for lunch when he got up at 1230pm even though he told me not to bother. But I wanted to..he is working a double to day. He got home by 8am and then had to leave here by 1:30. 4 hours is not enough sleep. At least he ate well.

After he left for work I let the dog out to potty, put a load of clothes in to wash and started the dishwasher. Then to bed. I just got up. I feel pretty calm..I guess this was meant to be. I don't know why.

The unexpected quality of this. would make me wonder if it wasn't psychosomatic except I was truly looking forward to everything I planned. There was no reason for it. My partner thinks I overdid it working around the house and yard. I don't do that much. Most of it is puttering and I get real satisfaction and even delight from it. I merely picked up a little bug somewhere. For the purpose of being still? Maybe. Right now I am writing and drinking my hot tea. It is the only thing I am thirsty for. And I got a strange craving for Rice Krispie Treats. So I made some a few minutes ago.

I am going back to bed now..with my book and my tea. I feel my "Guidance" around me. With very strong energies. I made the choice not to feel guilty for not taking my dog for her daily walk. I am a little weak, headache y and just plain not able to do much. Tomorrow it will be gone.

Lean in to it.

I think it was in the fall or early winter of 2003, I was sitting at my computer playing Ultima Online desperately trying to escape and resist yet another crushing anxiety attack. I remember feeling it coming on earlier in the day. I worked 3-11 shift at that time and it was my day off.

I had taken all the xanax I could safely take along with the other antidepressant meds I was on. To say I was an emotional mess would be like calling a tornado a windy day. I was a real mess. The medication and the counseling helped some but I was not getting better. My life circumstances were dire almost to the point of being desperate. I won't go into the reasons now..suffice to say I was just a mess. Along with the medication I also practiced meditation and Reiki but today I just could not settle enough in my self to do this.

Ok, back to where I was...sitting at the computer, trying to ignore the shakes, rising nausea and the pounding of my heart up in my throat. My best friend (adopted sister..she is way more than a best friend) walked in through the side door into the kitchen. She walked in the living room and saw me. She knew without asking what was happening.

I just said to her, "It's really bad and the xanax isn't working." She started to give me Reiki and then stopped and said, " Just lean into it." And while she was talking my "Inner Guidance" cut through the crazy unstable energy coursing through me this cartoon in my head of a tree trying to get away from the wind. All the time my sister was talking trying to explain this. What I caught after this crazy cartoon in my head was her last words, " I think you should stop trying to resist it." At that moment something happened and I realized I was trying to get away from it and I was resisting it. All of a sudden I could see how resisting this gave it a stronger hold on me. Just for a few seconds I gave into it. Stopped resisting and imaged myself leaning in to it.

At first I was so wild with some unnamed choking fear I could only do it for a second or two but that was enough for me to realize there was something to this. I deliberately and mindfully willed myself to just let go to it. And I feel it easing the pressure inside me. My heart stopped its uneven clattering in my chest, the shaking stopped, the nausea faded and the only thing left were what felt like beams of wild energy coursing through me.

The discomfort remained but the other awful things that went with it..went away. I don't remember a lot of what else happened after this on that day. I remember feeling such gratitude and a measure of relief from the torment I was in. My mind and heart swirling with the conflicting ideas of surrendering vs resistance. I remember spending the rest of the evening talking to my sister about this.

After that I started to use this regularly whenever I felt the beginning of one. It was successful enough I no longer needed the xanax. These "panic episodes" stopped inspiring terror in me.

Soo I had so much success with this I decided to try leaning in to other kinds of emotional pain I was dealing with. My life had taken such a devastating, exhausting and just plain scary turn in 1996 it affected all parts of me.

There were mornings when I woke up that my heart felt just broken. I would wake up and this terrible sorrow would grip me. I tried to override it, meditate out of it. Anything to stop the horrible pain. Well I tried, "Leaning in to it." And how I did this (with the help of my Inner Guidance who gave me the idea)..I would stay in bed, get tissues...and let myself feel what I felt and cry until there was no more tears left. Then I would reward myself with a soak in the tub, a cup of coffee, lay in the bed and read or meditate. The first times I did it was for almost two hours. But the deal I made myself was this. This is the crying time..get it out and then it's done for the day. And my days were better. I slowly began to feel better.

The time I took for this went from 2 to 3 hours to 1 hour ..down to 30 minutes over a period of a year and then I didn't need to do it everyday. I decided to make it like a formal ritual to reinforce the idea that this is the time for sorrow and then I spend the rest of the day living in the now. I set an alarm, lit candles and let it rip. Then when the alarm went off it was done. Time to baby myself with a hot bath and a cup of tea. Or chocolates or a good book.

Now I know this sounds silly and so childish but I don't care. It saved me. It saved me from a life of pain and bitterness. This time taught me to nurture myself and it was the beginning of my path of "Acceptance".


Whew..that was exhausting talking about those times. It kind of made my heart ache to think of those memories. I gotta go meditate and "Lean into it".


Ok, I am back. Now where was I? The beginning of my road out of the "pit".

I will summarize what I learned from this that I use today for everyday discomforts.

First I sense some uncomfortable sensations..like anxiety, fear, anger etc... I then go through "The Formula" that my Inner Guidance gave me a long time ago to aid in proper handling of emotions.

First is the stimulus (what happened prior to these feelings rising. It could be rain, a phone call, a passing thought etc). How am I perceiving the stimulus..and then how am I interpreting it.
How am I responding inwardly and what is my physical reaction.

This helps me NOT to grab on to anything around me to blame for my discomfort. It just is. That's how I process it now.

Next I deliberately open myself to it. Allow myself to feel the discomfort and mindfully be aware enough to not resist. That makes it so much worse.

Then I acknowledge that I am feeling the sadness, anger, anxiety, fear or whatever it is. I don't try to find reasons for it or pin it on an event or person or situation. It just is. Because what I know now is that anything can trigger these feelings at anytime. We all have so much repressed and buried garbage shoved down inside us..sometimes the most innocuous things will trigger it to rise out of the pit of hidden garbage in us.

I Reiki myself while I take a few minutes to observe and acknowledge my discomfort. I try to concentrate on the sensations and not allow my mind to start it's derogatory or blaming chatter. In a kind way I do this. Because the other thing I learned was to be as kind to myself as I would expect a good empathetic friend to be to me.

Now this is no magic wand that you wave and it all goes away. No, the discomfort is still there but manageable...and I am finding if I stay with it, good things are hidden behind the discomfort.

This is an ongoing process and part of the human condition is we will never be free from our emotions and discomfort. But it gives me the sense that I am participating in my own healing. I am actually controlling my emotions by acknowledging them and processing them respectfully. Not shoving them down inside myself and not dealing with it.

Enough Enough! I am confusing myself.

Red Shoes and other stuff

I had a really nice day. I am tired now but it's late..it's about midnight. But I felt compelled to write a little bit before I snuggle up in bed with my book and my love.

First of all I started the Water Aerobics today. OMG...I loved it! An hour of exercise in the pool at the local Y. I actually sweated while doing it. I felt wonderful. It inspired me to take the three flights of steps back up to the main desk afterward. My knees felt better!

I came home and my partner and I went out and did some yard work. He did the weed eating. I mowed some. I worked until the bright sunshine and balmy air turned dark and cold. He worked until the downpour came. I made orange chicken tonight..(with a little shortcut help) for dinner with rice and steamed broccoli. YUM.

Then we settled in for the night. It is still rainy and cold outside.

Now this sounds like a mediocre day to most. I am sure. But to me it was like standing back and watching a movie of a happy and satisfying day. Whatever the future will bring..I will always think of these last months. Wow..to say I am grateful is a gross understatement. I am wildly grateful with all of my cells.

And now for the red shoes part. I had a dream last night. It was very vivid and in color. I remember parts of it like it just happened. I was standing in a house with my partner..(yeah, he was in my dream) It wasn't really a house..it was a really old mobile home from back in the day. It was saggy..the windows weren't set right ..the roof was leaking..it was a mess..and connected to this someone had built an add on of sorts...of two or three other rooms. This part was in equally bad shape.

For some reason I was trying to find a way to restore it. My partner was trying to explain to me in a really patient way why it would be futile. He was trying to sound as reasonable as possible because I was determined. I looked down to think of better reasons to fix it up than he had of tearing it down and removing it from the property. As I looked down I admired my new red shoes. They were red/brown...the color of blood..Now I know that may sound nasty but the color was beautiful. They were soft leather ..almost like suede. They had rounded toes like in the 40's and a design etched in the leather across the toe area. They were high heeled..with a strap. Which is strange cause I haven't worn high heels since I was in my late 20's. They fit and felt perfect. They were beautiful in an understated way. I had a rust colored and black dress on too. But my big focus was the red shoes.

My partner continued with his reasoning about tearing the house down His last statement was the one that hit the nail and I knew in my heart he was correct. He said, " Some things are just not salvageable. Some things aren't worth fixing. They need to be torn down, thrown away and be freed from a place and time they no longer are needed or appropriate, you need to let it go and walk away and you make room for other things that you need and are appropriate. Like your red shoes."

I knew he was correct..absolutely. I was so angry I couldn't breath and then I felt this big wave of relief when I finally admitted that I needed to let it go. I sensed my Guides close by and I knew I had made a really important decision. And it was the best one for me.

This dream still makes me feel funny. What am I trying to hang on to. hmmmm...I just know I loved those red high heeled shoes.

Night!

A Contemplative Day

My life is so much more peaceful right now than I can ever remember. I am filled with Gratitude that I have time and space to move along at my own pace. To take time to contemplate and meditate when I feel the urge.

Oh, and I did find that book again. It was back in the bookshelf. I found it today. Hmmm...I am not even going to think about how or why it showed up. I showed my Significant personage and he laughed when I asked if he put it there. I took that as a yes and began to get wound up about how I searched and searched for it. He swears he did not touch it..he just finds me amusing when I get worked up over things. Well so the mystery remains.

Anyhow that's for another day. As I was saying. I meditated a lot today. I went to Beckley and took my library books back, stopped at the health food store and splurged on my fave elderberry tea which I am pleased to say is available. And I found the incense I like to burn.

As I mentioned before, the love of my life is supporting me financially right now and we are on a tight budget. Like kids starting out instead of middle aged people. ha! It's kind of fun. And we have a beautiful place to live..so much greenness. The mountains are breathtaking. I love them!


I signed up for some free water aerobics and free yoga. Wow...because I am over 50! Again, I thank God, Goddess, Creator for these blessings. I still haven't found a Reiki share group. But I will. And anyway I give Reiki all day long. I am really looking forward to when I am guided to Teach it.

I finally got my WV nursing license in the mail today. With a notice that it must be renewed immediately. What? I just got it. Oh well..I went ahead..got online and renewed it. Acceptance and all of that.

I am pleased with the life we are making here. It's still all new and different ..unsettling and sometimes anxiety producing but I am where I am supposed to be. I don't know what for but I am here. I am living and moving under Guidance. However, that does not mean that I don't have those days, moments and minutes when I get anxious, impatient, fearful and bitchy.

I purposely and mindfully made the decision when I was in my 40's to make friends and embrace my "dark side". To stop shoving her away but to allow her to work with my whole being. To utilize the gifts my dark side brings to me. That was a great step for me but there are days when I fall into the old pattern and wham. You know the drill. But I am aware and its ok. I will keep working with and merging with my "dark side". We need each other.

One thing I do know is the atmosphere of the "Inner Planes" is heightened. I am receiving large influxes of energy when I meditate. I don't know what it means. But I am remaining mindful.
On the other hand in the physical realm I find the energies fluctuating more than usual. With an undertone of electrical heaviness that is more pronounced than before.

I wanted to sit down for a few minutes and just quietly go over the tarot cards. I don't generally do readings anymore at least for myself. I sometimes just lay cards down that I feel I need to and gaze at them. They have a language all of their own and the pictures tell me stories..Not necessarily what the books say. (I haven't been able to use tarot books for a few years to interpret the cards) The words come one at a time in my head..sometimes not words but flashes of scenes like a movie trailer. But today it was a no go. More and more my "Inner Guidance" is moving me away from using the cards. "They" seem to be urging me to develop a stronger inner discernment or something. I don't understand. I have faith that deep down I know but consciously I don't understand.

It always brings me back to something my "Guides" told me years ago. About the importance of: Do without doing, knowing without understanding why. I used to be so perplexed over this but I am starting to get it a little.

Contemplation for another day.

Am I Crazy or Did Something Paranormally Strange Occurr

Well last night I received a kind of message from the Universe that I needed to pay attention to my own metaphysical and spiritual business and stop peeking at others. Ok, I can see that. And, by the way, my computer is working just fine...as long as I don't attempt to find that certain blog.

What comes over me sometimes? I think I may have been kind of obsessed with it. I believe it's because I miss my network of close friends who are spiritually and paranormally inclined. I don't know that many people in this area and I just became fascinated by reading about someone within 40 miles of me. Someone who is experiencing many of the same life challenges that I have experienced or am presently working through. And honestly I could just be plain old nosy.

I am not sure what the climate here is for "alternative spirituality". There aren't any "New Age" (for the lack of a more appropriate term but you get the gist) Stores here or health food stores..Wait, there is one in Beckley...I can get my elderberry tea there. But there are no Reiki Groups that are visible on the internet for this area. That doesn't mean they don't exist it means I don't know anyone who knows the "Alternative Healing" network here.

Ok, I digress...my point to all of this is..last night after the debacle with my computer..(gah, what a mess!) I meditated for a while and then I got a real urge to read. I had already read all my library books except for one and that wasn't what I needed to read.

So I go into the spare bedroom, turn on the light and look at the bookshelf in there. I reach down and pull out a book I have never seen before. A large blue paperback book. About Mer-Ka-Ba.

A book by a guy named Drunvalo Melchizedek. It was a brand new book but had been published in 1999.

Now, the strange thing about this is I never owned a book like this. And I would know because when I moved from Virginia to West Virginia I went through every one of my books. Many I gave away and sold. Only enough for two small bookshelves were kept. I had enough to fill three large ones before. I know I never owned this book and if I had found it, excellent as it might be, I would not have kept it. It's just not my kind of thing.

Well, I took the book to bed and sat up reading it. It was very interesting. I wasn't able to read it in depth, I figured to get an overview and read it today. I saw some interesting symbols that resonated with me, a lot. And some chapters about prana and energy flow through the body.

It was fascinating. I pored over some of the drawings of sacred geometry and I did feel some stirring.

After reading this for an hour I got really sleepy and I put the book down beside me on my partner's side. (He was at work) I meditated myself into sleep and woke up when he got home.

I cuddled with him for a while until he fell asleep and I got up. The urge for coffee moving me into action. I decided to read the book some more and went to look for it. It is gone. I can't find it anywhere. I looked under the bed, behind the heavy headboard, behind the night tables and under my sleeping love. It's gone.

The only book I found was "Love in the Palm of Your Hand," another excellent book by Ghanshyam Singh Birla. I know I owned this one and kept it because I met the author and he signed it for me. This book has an awesome slant on using the lines in the hand for self knowledge but that's another day..another post.

I can't find the book. It's like it doesn't exist. I have looked over every inch of my bedroom, dressing room and even branched out into the other parts of the house. On the outside chance I went for a stroll in my sleep. (I never sleep walk)

In the state of Acceptance I now accept it. I don't know how it got here and I don't know where it went. I do remember the things I saw and read. I remembered the guy's name so I could look it up and sure enough there are lots of books by him and extensive workshops and training. I looked it over and the feeling wasn't there. I was just supposed to read a bit of what he wrote. I did. Now what?

It will unfold in it's own cycle. It always does. I will definitely write about it when it comes to me.

Oh by the way, Blessed Beltane, Mayday, Roodmas!