Thursday, May 12, 2011

I Want the Truth, the Whole Truth and Nothing but the Truth; so help me God/Goddess/Creator of All

I have been contemplating my inner mechanisms for some time now. And last night, spurred by emotional stimuli that probably resulted by my self[-musing; I came to a place inside me that wants the truth about me. What is my truth? What do I want and what do I need. Now, I have an idea but I don't know what the truth is behind these ideas.

I feel I am being Guided...and as I move down this course of my life I am noticing so many things I never noticed before. And it appears to be a "connect the dots" kind of thing. Where one thing leads to another thing and so on until a shape begins to develop. Acceptance brought me here..to this place where I am now facing myself down and asking, (respectfully, of course, cause I am my own best friend now..I am trying anyway) "What are your truths?" If I can get to the nitty gritty about what my truths are...It will help me along this path I am on immensely. And now is the time. I sense this inner prodding that prompted this urgent desire.

Processing my emotions and Acceptance has helped bring me to this place. I know more about myself than I ever did. And I no longer feel like the helpless victim of my emotions and ego (they tend to gang up on me sometimes, but that's just me) In the face of very intense distracting emotions, ego uprisings and anxiety I am able to get a hold of myself, utilize the tools I have learned (remembered) and dig out something beneath the mess that's worth keeping.

I am ready to begin excavating my personal truths. These will help me determine how to live my life in an authentic way. That is what I want.

But first I have to know what I want, as specifically as possible, and what I don't want.
Equally important.

I know I can only evolve and process what is inside of me. I am wise enough after all these years to get I can only change people and environments within me. And that means my attitude and approach to people and environments.

I don't want to limit myself, or tear down a road that is not my truth but a preconditioned idea of what my truth should be. I want the authentic truth about what I want and need to live an authentic life.

It won't be easy and it may take some time to continue the excavation of my self. But I am closer than I have ever been. I am close enough to know that the only person or thing that stands in the way of what I want, what I need, the most authentic and satisfying life possible for me in this realm at this time, is me. I want to be and to live as I am meant to, according to my deeper purpose.

Unsettling yes...but it is also an exhilarating feeling to get to this point.

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