Sunday, May 15, 2011

Routine or Rhythm or Both?

As I continue on my "groundless" way. I am sensing the expansion and the distance from my comfort zone. And I know I am about to go a lot further out than this..oh yeah!

During the years that were so overwhelmingly difficult..I drove myself day after day. Exhausted with too little sleep. I made myself get up and get going everyday for the sake of survival.

When the desperation was no longer there I could not break the habit of driving myself and filling up every minute of the day til I passed out with things I HAD to do. Then since I couldn't stop on my own..one day my mind just took over and refused to budge. And I could no longer drive and force myself to do anything.

I literally did not do anything above the barest of survival chores. I didn't even answer the phone and I wouldn't read the mail. I just let everything go except for getting me to work. Doing basic laundry that I had to have. I didn't cook I just put bread, tomatoes, cheese and yogurt in my fridge. And I would make sure there was coffee and food for the animals.

And I did take care of two cats and my doggy (and I still do). Every two or three weeks I would get into the mood to vacuum or dust. I kept the trash picked up and taken to the dump. I did clean my bathrooms. At first I was ashamed at my lack of drive..then I kind of began to enjoy it. It took about a year and a pattern developed...that was almost a rhythm..of taking care of my house and mail..I began to answer the phone again and go through my mail. I spent a lot of time with my sisters. And my friends. This was good.. And of course, I meditated like mad.

In the time I had since I wasn't driven to be productive every waking moment..I was kind of more productive. Since I had the time I began to focus on paying down my huge debt in a less desperate way. More of a challenge..It's hard to explain. Maybe my mind and emotions had rested a bit. Anyhow with a help of a good friend, I set up my bills online and made a budget..and I began working it.

Now back to the NOW! Here I am..in West Virginia. I don't have a job yet. But I was keeping pretty busy here. At first it was a rhythm..then it developed into a strict routine..by the time I got to "driven" my psyche, mind, spirit..all said NO! And maybe because of overextending myself all those years..I am not able to make myself keep up with the demands of the routine I set in place.

It could also be that I learned a lesson from this. And making these kinds of routines are just lame ass escape attempt. Anyway..I think it was kind of easing the anxiety I had about moving and deciding whether to go back into nursing or not. For whatever reason my "Being" shut the obsessive routine down. Routines like that do not invite rhythm and focus on the Now. Flowing with the Rhythm is the key. And sometimes that feels groundless. And that's ok..because then I am open to the NOW. The possibilities of this pattern are inspiring. The Rhythm feels good and healing.

Maybe this doesn't make sense to anyone else. But it does to me..I just don't know how to explain it better. And I guess that's all that matters because it is my growth and my healing.


To summarize what I learned from this:

Rigid Agendas are necessary at times for short durations depending on the importance of the situation. And should only be temporary to do what needs to be accomplished to aid survival.

Routines are beneficial because structure is helpful to the mind, body and spirit. For instance, daily Reiki and meditation are part of my daily routine. At least until I began that obsessive planning every second. And to be honest I think that is when I lost touch of my rhythm and flow when I became too busy to make meditation a priority. And I became anxious about deciding whether nursing is really what I want to continue doing. Instead of facing it..I overrode it.

I can now tell when I am headed onto this slippery slope and can intervene. yay!

So I have concluded that; at least in my life, both Routine and Rhythm work as long as it is within "the flow" of my life. As long as it leaves space for me to be open to the Now. To Acceptance.

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