Friday, May 13, 2011

When I Gotta Downshift, I Know I Am Heading Uphill, Again

Yesterday I wrote quite a long blog. It was called; I want the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me Goddess/God/Creator. It was about me coming to the place that I just want to know the truth about myself. What I like and what I don't like. What I think about things regardless what anyone else thinks. I want to excavate the most authentic me possible.

And it disappeared. That never happens. I have actually started to write a blog, got the feeling it wasn't going anywhere and stopped and guess what? It was saved. But this was complete and it is gone.

Sooooo I will assume the "Inner Guidance" ..the Universe or whoever is running this show didn't want me to write that.

I will try this.

I have loved my time in West Virginia. It has been difficult at times, lonely, confusing, anxiety producing but deeply satisfying in a way I cannot explain. I have developed a routine of sorts to do the humungous amount of yard work and housework while I am not working and my partner is. I got a rhythm and felt it was coming right along. I was focused on it to the point that both my inner self and my partner was beginning to suspect I was obsessed. They were correct. Well partially so.

I think I am like a dog. Give me a job to do and I will focus on it until I drop or it is done. Whichever comes first. I don't believe that is what my Inner Guidance wanted me to work on here for the healing work I am engaging in. I am merely replacing one set of obsessive task orientated drives for another. There is a difference between forcing yourself to do a certain set of tasks..and doing what needs to be done and feeling satisfaction.

When I am engaged in the "driven" obsessive work..nothing appears right and I get involved with the feeling that I can never accomplish enough. Last week I had a feeling I should stop..an inner niggling to do what needs to be done sans the rigid obsessive drive. When I am in this mode I am not open to other things coming up that I need to focus on.

Well now I have to ..it hit me in the face. Not only have I hit a kind of physical/emotional dilemma..but I can feel my Inner Guidance urging me to "get a hold of myself". I have a sprained knee (a knee I am already having problems with to begin with) and another problem I don't even want to talk about here because it is embarrassing. Also I have hit a kind of emotional quicksand. I am stuck in a place that does not feel good. So I am forced to get a hold of myself. Take a few breaths, take a look around to see where exactly I am standing. And regroup.

The big clue really hit when I got a panic feeling that I wanted the house and the yard to look perfect when my sisters and daughter come next Friday. I kind of caught myself thinking this and was shocked. What? They don't care what it looks like. They are coming so we can be together and have a good time. I gave that up in a hurry. Dang.

Part of the regrouping is dealing with my anxiety about a job. That I want to find one is the truth. I want to contribute financially so we can have a little extra funds for traveling etc..I am not going to get into all the details of this now ..but I am staying with the anxiety. I won't try to escape.

At this moment; after getting a hold of myself, I am taking my day in stride. No more crushing schedules of getting stuff done. I will do it..it will get done fine without my obsessive preoccupation. I did make dinner..for me and my partner..Swept the back porch. That is a place I love to sit and look outside.

I wiped the kitchen down with bleach and swept. Pulled a few weeds. And all the time I was open to myself...Not blocking it all with an obsessive drive to "Get er done" gah!

Because I realized what I was doing was a form of escape. To take my focus from where it should be. To make a routine to replace the one I gave up in Virginia.

I can sense an uphill climb coming. How do I know? I have had to downshift. Uphill climbs are good. You see, learn and remember some awesome stuff. It's difficult ...this is true but worth it.

Sorry for the rambling. This is the truth of me today. Sooo..that's how it comes out.

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