Back in the Saddle Again

Well...all I can say is, December was very challenging for me.  In ways I cannot explain.  I am not sure what exactly was going on inside of me but everyday was a myriad of uncontrollable emotion.  From anger, frustration, even rage to total heartbreaking sorrow.

At first, I attempted to "fix" it.  But after checking myself out. I realized that deep down I was fine but the surface of me was a raging mess of emotional soup.  So at some point I took a deep breath and stopped resisting.  I processed the discomfort, I gave myself Reiki, meditated as best I could and and took each day step by step, second by second and minute by minute.  I used all of the techniques my Inner Guidance taught me.

All the while, deep inside me, I felt assured this would pass when I processed enough of the mess rising up from within.  It is ironic because this feverish tsunami of painful feelings broke on December 21.  I was struggling to get over the mountains during a snow storm.  I was on my way to Georgia to visit my son.  And while working toward staying on the road and not going over the side rail...I sensed a shifting of space inside of me...and a sensation like something snapping in two.  The heaviness and sensation of constant painful sensations was gone.

I came down the steep grade of 77 s...on snow and ice almost crying in relief.  I felt such a sense of release.  

It's not entirely over but it is more directed.   A lot more painful things that I long buried came through during this time.  Today I am processing them.  Observing the sensations and any flashes of memory that come with it, allowing it pass on and leave me.   I am asking for help forgiving things that hurt me a lot and to forgive myself for things that I did that hurt others.  For my own healing I need to do this.

So I continue on my way.   I know I have learned a lot from this struggle.  As I have from all of the struggles of my life.

I wonder what is next?  hmmmmmmm...

On Hold and Processing

I haven't written for quite some time.  I didn't mean to go this long but my inspirations that I like to share are "on hold".  I am in a low ebb of movement right now.  I have no idea why.  In another time of my life I might have labeled what I am feeling as somewhat "depressed".  But I know I am not.  In fact, I am not even unhappy, just subdued.  It is a cycle for being introspective and processing.

Thankfully, I know myself well enough now that I am able to recognize this type of cycle almost immediately and begin processing it.  And that means not resisting it, recognizing the pattern and not wildly attaching any external reasons for how I feel.  I am actively being my own best friend.  Through compassion, self acknowledgement and self awareness I am allowing it to work its way through me and then out.  I know some great insights will flow from this but first I have to move through the chaotic flow.

And so until then I will sit on this like a hen on an egg.  Something profound may hatch from this.

We Are More Than Our Physical Bodies

What keeps us from our highest state of "Being"?  The common verb which becomes the ultimate noun

I believe, from my own contemplation and studies over the years, it is the portion of our psyche shaped by and focused on the illusions of the physical world.   These illusions are passed to us from a collective preconditioned mode of thought that we acquire in infancy.  

The search for "The Self" is manifold and reaches past the physical brain.  A magnificent organ, wired to respond and process stimuli.

The Self is not the human body.  Humans are not just a physical body wired wondrously to the organs and systems within.

The physical body is a finely constructed vehicle to aid The Self while navigating through the physical world.  The Self is both connected to the physical body and it is remote.  

Idealized restrictions of thought shaped by our preconditioning have confined the totality of humans to a physical body.  

We are more than that.

Humankind has manifested all manner of things, even with these self imposed restrictions.

Developing systems of reaching past the confines of precondtioned and reflexive thought patterns.

Through religion and systems of ritualized seeking into the unknown and unseen.  Delving into the mysteries of life through seemingly hidden compartments of the human body and modes of stylized thought patterns.

These are not hidden compartments.  In truth, they are but obscured and forgotten pathways.  Once found they become more accessible and far reaching.  

And then we discover, we are more than our physical bodies.  The common verb becomes the Ultimate Noun. 

Beautiful Memories of Magical Moments

Afternoon sun in late fall and the chilled breezes pulls my mind to cherished Magical Moments.

 The rays of sun pouring through the  window with soft meditation music in the background.  Sitting with friends at a table loaded with candles, the aroma of incense in the air around us.  Tarot cards, pendulums and crystals strewn across the table.

Deep conversations about the secrets of life.  The soothing and satisfying atmosphere created by giving each other Reiki or other energy healings.  The afternoon seems endless and we are transported to a place that does not mark time.  We are so into the experience of merging our energies and engaging each other in deep heart to heart conversations and our experiences.  The "outside" world and all the concerns that go along with it are miles away.  We are suspended in a magnificent cocoon where time has no meaning and we are feeling  our own magic.  It is profound.  

I miss this and yearn for an opportunity to be with them again.   It lives powerfully  in my mind and my memories.  

I hold these sisters of my heart very deeply  inside me.  I can close my eyes and transport myself back to that time , the imprint of it was so significant and powerful in my life.  It was the first time I express something very vital to me, my secret self.  Without fear of shock, reprisal and disapproval.  Just acceptance.  It led me to want to know this part of myself even more in a deeper way.  It helped me keep sight of my most meaningful path, no matter what happened to me along the way.  I am so grateful.

Root of the Matter, Past lives and Other Issues

The clearing and cleansing the energy centers of my body has led me to the focus and further study on the root chakra.  This is an area that I have only given peripheral attention to.  My main focus was on the upper energy centers, mainly the heart center.

As I contemplate the energy centers in a deeper way, I realize that all of them are very important for the health and well being of all of my "bodies".  The root is no less valuable.  My work with processing emotion, working with my ego/emotions and letting go of repressed pass issues that keep roiling up from inside of me has proven this time and time again.  So this is where I place my attention now.  The root chakra.

I wonder sometimes if my root chakra does not hold some of my old "scrabbling for security" patterns.  I realize  grappling around frantically  to set up things externally to ensure I feel "secure" is futile.  And now in realizing that true security comes from within not external circumstances, I am working with my root to "uproot" those old patterns.

The thing about setting up external factors to ensure security is impossible because anything can upset my sense of security.  I have no control of external issues.  I do have some control in how I perceive issues, situations and events.

How I perceive "security" lies in my root chakra.  As I continue my observations into my own reflexive emotional patterns, I can "see" how my root is involved.

This is a remarkable cycle I am going through right now.  I can sense my own shifting.  It is unsettling emotionally and physically but the subtle yet persistent sense of correctness grows within me.

I am having flashes of scenes and events.  Some while I am sleeping and some while I am awake.  I have never really delved into my past lives but I believe I am seeing some of them.  Maybe cycles of them that are pertinent to where I am right now.

My life force energy is much stronger now.  The force of it running through me is palpable.

So much is happening because I made a decision that I no longer wanted to react reflexively to every situation and event.  I made my desire known that I no longer wanted to shape my life and personality around the stories I adopt to define me.  I want to be free of that.  Free to be.

Continued Observations about Situations Becoming Internalized Personal and Emotional Issues

Days have gone by and I continue to observe as honestly and objectively as possible how I handle the myriad of situations that arise in life.  My curiosity is really stirred up by this.  A thread I want to keep following.

With the help of "My Inner Guidance" I have devised a rough outline of questions to ask myself when I find myself tangled personally and emotionally into another situation.

Now I realize that some situations are unavoidably going to be personally emotional .  But many I can see are not necessary nor does it help the situation at all.  But for the most part, I believe this reflexive pattern can be changed.  In fact, in just a few days I have noticed that by just being aware and mindful of my inclination to do this, has caused a great reduction of this proclivity.

A new level of calmness has spread through me.  It comes from a place I don't recognize yet.  My meditations have changed somewhat.   My approach appears to me to be less needful and my life force less scattered.

I will continue to observe with awareness and curiosity.  Something strong  is stirring inside of me that I haven't felt before.  It is  subtle but burgeoning.  Gentle yet stabilizing.

When Situations Become Personal Issues

I have been confronted with yet another  revelation about my inner workings.  A situation will come up and frequently I will internalize it and make this a personal issue.  Complete with the emotional reactions, dragging old past issues to connect with it.

My "Inner Guidance"  brought this to my attention a couple of days ago and it was a real eye opener.  As I stated in a previous post, I have been focusing on clearing and cleansing my energy centers.  And of course, strengthening my aura.  This internal and usually unnoticed processed came into my view.

The inclination to do this varies.  I have not yet decisively discovered what makes me more susceptible emotionally to this pattern of making the stimuli of a situation or event into a personal painful issue.   I also became aware that when I extricate my energy from one situation I allowed to become a personal issue,  another one takes its place.

I often wonder if it has to do with the tides of the tattvic tides, my physical body chemistry, a cycle of hormonal chaos, a necessary task as this life span cycles close to lessons unlearned from another life span?
Is it just part of the human condition?  It doesn't matter because no matter what is the cause I no longer wish to incarcerate myself into this condition.

I am mindfully attempting to observe at what point a situation becomes a personal issue.  I have had at least three different situations that presented themselves to my life this week.  I am sure there were more but these are the ones that I was mindfully aware that I was making a personal issue about a situation.

The one that I am working through today.  My husband to be has a truck that he has been struggling with for a couple of years.  He has a large loan and he needs the truck for work.  The electrical issues are overwhelming and he has spent a lot of money trying to repair.  It is acting up again.  At some point my ability to be attentive to his anxiety over this problem began to soak into me.  It became personal and I began to emote about it.  To the point it took over my entire evening.  The futility and helplessness that accompanies an issue so big..or appears so big.

Now...I am reviewing the machinations that occurred to cause me to make this a painful personal issue.  It causes a great emotional upheaval and I simply cannot think clearly.

Once again, awareness and acknowledgement is assisting me to see myself and how I deal with life in a more truthful and honest way.  It's not pretty but it's real and I can go from there.  The amazing thing is just knowing that I am aware of what I am doing is easing the discomfort of this process.  I am becoming more curious than anxious.

Cleansing the Energy Centers, Expanding the Aura

The state of our energy centers directly affects our aura.  I firmly believe that this relates directly with our well being on all levels, the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.  These are not separate parts but parts of a whole.  Optimally that is how it should "be"..the ultimate way to "BE".

I personally work with my energy centers and aura daily.  No matter what is happening, no matter what I am facing I  consistently find my coping skills are enhanced by this practice.  Not only am I able to cope more effectively with the challenges; I am also able to see the opportunities to acquire more wisdom from these dilemmas.  

There are many ways to cleanse and heal the energy centers.   I don't believe there is one way that is better than another.  What matters is the intent and what works best for you, personally.  It's good to read about the ways other people accomplish this.  It's a good starting point but as you begin to work with aura cleansing and healing ; you will find a way that works best for you.

My practice of chakra/ aura cleansing and healing is very eclectic.  However, it always begins with Gratitude, Reiki. and breathing.   This is what resonates with me.  Sometimes it takes 10 minutes and sometimes it takes me an hour or so.

Another important step is to prepare your space.  Whatever your tradition, always ask your Higher Source to help prepare your space with healing and protection.  It prepares us for the working and gives a heightened sense of relaxation and openness.  These enhance the clearing and healing practice.

What you will accomplish is a life force charged with higher vibrations, energy centers flowing with fewer blockages, release of tensions and a healthier aura.

Center, Balance and Focus.  That is what it's all about.

Blessed Aura, Deeper Being

My work pertains uniquely to the movement of energy throughout the aura.

The aura is the first line of defense for the total being, on all levels...just as the skin is for the physical body.

Everything begins with energy.  It defines the motion of Being...it connects with all.

Like Blood, Auric energy needs to circulate freely and unobstructed through the energy channels.

The most important beginning for meditation is to circulate the energy properly through mind direction and breathing.

It is more important than any mantra...for it aims the energy to The Source and allows the Deep Being to come forth and communicate with the Inner Planes.

To see an aura or even feel it is not as important as having the faith that it is there.

The same with circulating the auric energy.  In physics atoms have proved to behave differently when there is focus directed upon them.

I teach meditation peripherally...it happens easily when the auric energy is properly circulated, all energy centers open and flowing.  Which is the basis of my work...opening energy centers and stimulating nodes on the energy meridians of the body.

Each time a being deliberately circulates the aura...it strengthens and expands the aura.  This lends a sense of well being and deep peace.

 I use this as a precursor to all of my workings.   It always gives a deeper sense of reverence  to my workings.  And increases my focus and vibrational awareness.

All Things come from The Source, no matter what the Nomenclature.  Ask The Source for Guidance, and it will be given.

Through joy, sorrow, pain and pleasure..the more contact a being has with The Source, the more balanced our being becomes.  For the Deep Being is our connection with acquired wisdom and our spirituality.  It intersects at the heart...with all other systems.  It is the seat of the will when the emotions/ego and personality that is the main focus of the conscious mind, has been controlled and brought into appropriate line of hierarchy.   



May our paths cross in wonder and in support of each other.

Contemplation and Environmental Scanning

My already strange life has taken a definitive turn.  I have undertaken a thorough cleansing of my home.  I have reinforced my "fences" around the perimeter of my living space.

I am paying closer attention to the condition of my aura.  I scan it daily to find any weak or torn spots.  And now I find myself sensing and  scanning the energy of whatever area I am in.  Wherever I go, whoever I come in contact with.   I am not sure why I am doing this.  All this started two weeks ago.  I had an incident occur.  I still don't feel comfortable talking about but it definitely woke something up within me.  Something that appears to have been dozing or not paying attention.

I was surprised and I admit, rather grateful.  It was a much needed trigger.  Difficult but beneficial in the long run.

My mind chatter has quieted a lot.  I am more grounded and much more observant of my environment, on all levels.  I am utilizing many of the tools and disciplines I have learned along the way this life span.  And maybe a few carried over from a past one.

As I said before, I have no idea why I am doing this but it feels so correct.  I will continue until my Inner Guidance sends further instructions.  In the meantime I am calm, peaceful and alert.    My energy centers are flowing well, my aura is strong.  I am ready.  For what?  I have no idea.

Back To The Runes

I have always been drawn to the Runes in an offhanded peripheral way.  One of my dearest friends who has now departed this plane was so drawn to the Runes and she worked with them almost daily for years.  I learned much from her.  After she passed on her daughter, who is like a sister to me, gave me her mother's runes.

These are runes that she made herself.  From stones she found near bodies of water.  She chose each one carefully.  I have them in a special bag.  The same one she kept them in.  Since she passed on five years ago I have not touched them.  Until yesterday.

During this very strange times I have been having dreams of my friend. I can't hear what she is saying but I see her clearly.  I had the bag of runes out in a prominent place and last night I had this incredible urge to open the bag.  I shook them up and reached my hand in.  I pulled out Elolh

I have always loved this Rune.  It looks like a person with their arms stretched out in prayer.  It's basic meaning is Protection.  hmmmmmm... Well..I have been doing a "housecleaning".  I decided to give the "fences" around my space a tuning up, as well.

Growing into My Spaces

I continue to move forward in my renewed and reconfigured pace.  Today I went to work as usual.  Stopped at the store to pick up last minute ingredients for the birthday cake I am making for my love.  It is his birthday tomorrow.  I stopped at the post office and checked the mail.  I noticed on the drive home that I felt a new level of calm.

I carried the groceries into the house. (of course I got more than just a couple of things).  After putting things away and greeting my dog I started heating up dinner.  My partner works nights so he was still sleeping.  About 3:30 pm he got up.  We greeted each other and sat down to dinner.  It is a pleasant and comforting routine that we do everyone of his workdays.  It is a routine I treasure.  After dinner I cleaned the kitchen while he showered and dressesd for work.  I made him a thermos of coffee and we both had a cup together before he left.

He left for work at 5pm and I decided to mow my lawn for an hour.  My lawn is HUGE.  After accomplishing this I put some laundry in to wash, ran the dishwasher and began making the cake.  After cleaning up the cake making mess, I realized I was tired.  Tired, yet  satisfied and content.

I am resting a bit and then I will do the next step of the "psychic cleansing" project I began last night for my home.  But right now I am just sitting here thinking about what a nice day it has been.  A good week.  I am grateful.

Psychic House Cleaning

There are times that the state of my home causes me to stop in my tracks and begin cleaning.  There are levels of cleaning that I do.  One is "straightening up".  This is my most frequent and basic method.   A quick clean up of things obviously out of order.  Dirty dishes, laundry lying around, trash needs taking out..the bathrooms need a wiping down, the floors need to be swept or vacuumed.

Then next step is to choose a room clean everything in it.  Maybe one room every week.  Then there is the major overall.  Where every room is torn apart without interruption.  It is not done til every room has been cleaned from top to bottom.

I use a similar approach to "psychic cleansings" of my home.  Today it occurred to me that a major cleaning would be beneficial.  And so I have begun.  Tonight is the smudging and Reiki to every inch of my environment.  My goal is to filter the atmospheric energy and raise the vibrations for the entire area.

It is a form of the change of season clean up.

Why am I doing this?  I just sense that it would be beneficial to me and everyone living in the place I call my sacred and healing ground.  

Reconfiguration

I am working through the "psychic/emotional" dilemma of the past few days.   It is settling around me and I feel much calmer.  The impact of this event is not resolved.  I don't think it is meant to be resolved.  However, I stopped resisting this force pulsing within me.  I have reached a state of acceptance.  What is happening is happening.  I am not trying to change it, shove it away, push against it or escape.  What I feel inside,  what I perceive as phenomena around me will be as it is.  I am willing to stand still and accept this experience.  Whatever it may be.  I still don't know exactly.  I am in observation mode now.

Although I still feel a strong current of sadness, frustration and anger within me.  It remains an uncomfortable current.  Like a flood of feeling channeling through me.  But instead of going around in circles and lashing out, I am consciously processing the coursing uncomfortable energies.

I know in time I will have learned something valuable from this cycle.  But as I am writing this, I sense a change within me.  That's all.  I can't make any sense of this.  I won't even try right now.  I will continue to process and observe the sensations.   As I move along, step by step, I will reconfigure and change whatever is necessary to put me in the correct "Flow".  

I Am Experiencing Some Technical Difficulty

Seriously, I haven't written for a few days because I am currently going through yet another strange cycle.  I will first say that I hold myself responsible for this dilemma.  I have become rather spoiled the last year and a half.  My life has been almost idyllic for some time.   I would say it has been the most "normal" period of my life.

I am grateful for this but now I am confronted by some phenomena that appears to have blown into my life a bit suddenly.  I am sure that is not the case.  I simply was not paying attention.  I am now.

I can't go into detail at the moment.  Simply because I am working through some issues and it is difficult to come to terms with the types of things happening to me right now.  To make matters worse, my partner is a bit unsettled by the whole thing.  By my emotional reactions and by strange happenings occurring around us at this time.  To be fair, I will say that my partner has been warned about my strange self and stranger occurrences that appear to surround me rather frequently.

Things are calming down a bit and I will write in more detail.  What is happening is not bad.  It is just difficult to experience but clearly these events are  occurring to show me something I am overlooking.

I was caught off guard but I am getting myself under control and my curiosity is overtaking my bewilderment and surprise.  My "Inner Guidance" is with me.  I will use my knowledge and my wisdom to work through this.  Hopefully my conscious mind will begin to "know" what is happening to me and around me.  Even if I don't understand it.  We will see.

Utilizing Dissatisfaction as a Tool

It has become apparent to me that dissatisfaction is a sign that something is amiss and needs to be addressed.  I believe dissatisfaction needs to  be utilized as a tool, not something to override or try to erase. Dissatisfaction is a call to change something or bring some more of my being out.


I have noticed that more and more the Natural World has become my ideal muse. All questions of this plane come from the Natural World and all are answered there. The question of what is my purpose is answered by the bee flying across the lawn. The same answer applies to why do I feel restless, annoyed, and sad.


It's all part of a natural flow that follows cycles...Like Nature...Nature rules this plane. We are not in control..but merely a part of the natural world. The natural world can go on easily without humans but humans cannot go on without the natural world.


Our lives are a flow and cyclic product of the natural world. And I ask it, “What should I be doing with my life?” The seed of Being is within me and only partially germinated.  It is  not growing to full potential. It requires more nutrients.   To do this requires that I open myself up more fully.

Any dissatisfaction I sense inside me is my inability to open myself fully to my fullest potential. How would this be accomplished? To just quiet the brain, open the mind of my heart  and flow?  Like birds and bees and ants, follow my own inner radar?   Like the trees and the grass to just grow as I am meant to, seeking the water and light.


The symbology  may be wasteful. My thoughts are, for the most part, wasteful. I know this but do not understand how to stop them.   If for one day I relied totally on my inner radar and inner knowing what would happen? Where would it take me?? Do I have the courage to do this? What if for one day I was totally my Inner Being. What would matter? What would not?

The Heart That Burns

The Heart can swell with ecstasy and dive to the depths of sorrow. It can be the seat of balance and peace.  It is  the intersection of perceptual life as well as the unseen.

All parts of the being intersect there...the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.  It is the underlying flow and rhythm of life on many levels.

As the blood flows through the chambers, life force travels through its own unique channels.

The conscious mind is focused on this physical and material plane, the ego, emotion and personality are connected strongly with the conscious mind.

The Deep Being within; which has been with us for all our life spans, becomes overshadowed by the facade of the conscious mind focus.

The Deep Being is the part of us that communicates with The Source of All...and has knowledge and wisdom that our conscious mind lacks.

It speaks to our conscious self through vibrational patterns...that are sometimes not discerned.

Thus the Heart translates this for us...often leading us down strange roads...for reasons are intellect cannot fathom.  Yet there is the resonance of correct action that is beyond understanding.

The Heart wants what it wants...and sometimes appears to be at odds with what "common sense" tells us is correct.

However, the Heart burns with a fervor to tell us the obscure turns and passages that will transport us to the State we were meant to be.

It will lead us to know ourselves.more deeply,  beyond the facades of emotion/personality and ego.

Send it With Your Heart

I have been focusing on my heart center more intensely than usual  for the last couple of weeks.  I know how important it is to keep this center open and flowing and I know how important the heart center is to my entire being on all levels.   I got that a while back.

But I have discovered that working more with my heart center also keeps me in "The Flow" no matter what kind of mind chatter is going on inside me, no matter what kind of annoying or stressful event is happening.   I have begun practicing almost constant mindfulness on my heart center.  Checking in frequently to make sure it is open.

I noticed that every once in a while when something comes up in the physical,  if any anxious feelings are triggered, my energy centers appear to collapse a bit.  The degree of the collapse is connected to the impact of the trigger and subsequent feelings that get stirred up.  I found I could process this discomfort and regain some inner composure quicker when I immediately open my heart center and begin processing from that point.

The discomfort begins moving, therefore, freeing up my other energy centers to circulate more effectively.  It's like opening a window in a stuffy house filled with  stale air.  It freshens the  spaces.   Circulating the life force begins to raise the vibrational level of the life force.

It doesn't necessarily fix the situation that triggered the anxious/stressed/fearful response/reaction.   But it does allow me to adapt, accept, cope and move along in a quicker and more efficient manner.  I use Reiki along with this and it is almost miraculous how fast I can regain my footing in almost any situation.  No matter how distressing.  Amazing!  It was right under my nose all along.

And so, the moral of this story is:  No matter what the situation, good bad, wonderful, terrible, frightening, joyful or sorrowful, Send it with Your Heart.

The Beautiful Alchemy of Nature

The "storm" that came through here the end of June downed many of my trees and the ground was covered with limbs, leaves and other debris.  We have cleaned a lot of it up.  By the time the clean up was accomplished, rains came.  I haven't been able to keep up with the mowing.

I was out wandering around my very large overgrown lawn this morning.  The fog had just lifted and I was testing the ground for spots dry enough to mow.  I was admiring the wild violets that had popped up all over the place when I noticed there was a loud incessant droning in the background.

I looked closer and there were bees everywhere.   The bees were busily moving from bloom to bloom.  There must have been at least a hundred of them.  What a beautiful sight.    The wild violets are spread throughout the expanse of the field that makes up my back, front and side lawn.

I pulled myself away to go into the house and find my camera.  When I came back, it appeared there were even more.  As far as I could see,  there was movement and buzzing over those purple blooms.  Breathtaking!

Bees are such profound beings. These were Bumble bees.

Some basic facts about Bumble bees:

"Bumblebees are considered to be beneficial insects because theypollinate crops and plants. They are very social bees and live in large "families". Unlike honeybees, bumblebees can sting more than once because their stingers are smooth and do not get caught in the skin when they fly away.
	Size: 1" Shape: Oval, bee shaped Color: Black with yellow stripes	Legs: 6 Wings: Yes Antenna: Yes
		Common Name: Bumble Bee Kingdom: Animalia Phylum: Arthropoda	Class: Insecta Order: Hymenoptera Family: Apidae Species: Bombus

DIETWorker bees gather both pollen and nectar from flowers to feed to the larvae and other members of the colony.
HABITATBumblebees often nest in the ground, but can be found above ground around patio areas or decks. They will sometimes build their nests in attics or under roof beams. If disturbed, bumblebees will buzz in a loud volume, and they will aggressively defend their nests

Bees see all colors except the color red. That and their sense of smell help them find the flowers they need to collect pollen. Not only is pollen a food source for bees, but some of the pollen is dropped in flight, resulting in cross pollination. The relationship between the plant and the insect is called  symbiosis."
(this is taken from http://www.pestworldforkids.org/bees.html)


The condition of Symbiosis is fascinating to me.

Definition:

Symbiosis is a close ecological relationship between the individuals of two (or more) different species.   Sometimes a symbiotic relationship benefits both species, sometimes one species benefits at the other's expense, and in other cases neither species benefits.

Ecologists use a different term for each type of symbiotic relationship:

Mutualism	--   both species benefit
Commensalism	--   one species benefits, the other is unaffected
Parasitism	--   one species benefits, the other is harmed
Competition	--   neither species benefits
Neutralism	--   both species are unaffected

(this is copied from http://www.cals.ncsu.edu/course/ent591k/symbiosis.html

It made me start to think...The entirety of nature is involved in symbiotic relationships.  What kind of participant am I??  In my heart I strive for "Mutualism".  But I know, more than likely, I am leaning towards "parasitism and competition"  simply because the nature of humans is to take over and mold the "alchemy of nature" into forms that appear to benefit humans.  Instead of being a part of the "beautiful alchemy of nature".

For instance, as much as I love it...I will eventually mow my lawn.  The violets will be cut back and the bees will be forced to find another spot.   That might be "parasitism" or "commensalism".

It has not escaped my attention that my "need" to mow my lawn is part of a social illusion.  One that I am a part of, no matter how much I love the natural world.  So I am basically going to disrupt those beautiful bumble bees as they go about their very needed work of collecting pollen to continue their species and to pollinate other plants to continue the cycles of the natural world.

I don't know the answer to this dilemma.  I will eventually mow my lawn but it now be with the mindful awareness that I am interacting with the beautiful alchemy of nature in ways I never dreamed.

My Inner Guidance has brought all of this to my attention.  Now I "know" , what do I do about it?  hmmmmm.

Wisdom is Acquired Through Life Challenges

Wisdom is knowledge that is utilized. Knowledge is utilized the most for the many challenges life presents. I remind myself of this frequently. It helps me remain thankful despite the difficulties I face.

Since the lights came back on in my neck of the woods, I feel like I hit the ground running. I can't keep up with the demands of life right now. And so, I decided today to take a deep breath, present my awareness into the present. So what that our (expensive) push weed eater is broke down and it will cost more to fix than to replace. There are still piles of limbs laying around my yard from the storms and the tree disaster. The grass in my huge yard is getting taller and taller because it has been raining almost everyday. I have water standing in my garage from the torrential downpours.

My house is dirty and my job is every exacting as well as time consuming right now.

Ok...I am thankful for all the conditions behind the things that present as problems. I am thankful for my beautiful yard, thankful the downed trees have already been cut and stacked, ready for burning. I am thankful my home was spared from damage. I am thankful I even have a weed eater and a garage. I am thankful for the rain because many parts of the US are suffering through a terrible drought.

I am thankful for my work right now. I only have one patient and I am able to give her my full attention. She is benefiting from my many years of experience as a nurse.

Things pile up sometimes. Problem after problem seem to flow from every direction. It is up to me to decide if I will allow it to overwhelm me or I will put myself in "The Flow" and give myself a chance to breath. Will I freak out or just take one step at a time.

Well..it's a no brainer for me. I hate freaking out. It is draining and tiring. Nothing gets done any faster or effectively. Nothing is life threatening. And nothing collapses my energy centers like self induced anxiety. Not everything has a deadline in which to work itself out.

Wisdom acquired from past life challenges directs me to quiet the mind chatter by circulating my life force, opening my hear center, pull my awareness to the present and be thankful for my blessings. Things will get done in their own time. My heart is the seat of "The Flow" and it will help me prioritize all the problems appropriately.

In retrospect I can see that life challenges are good for me. I utilize knowledge which transforms into wisdom. I use the wisdom I acquired to help me utilize more knowledge and gain more wisdom. It goes on and on.

I have the opportunity to gain a lot of wisdom while I am in this physical plane because there is no shortage of life challenges. That's for sure.

Healing a Troubled Mind

I have come to see that healing is a constant process. It is a step by step, day by day and minute by minute step. Every aspect of the human condition requires healing. The intent of healing leads me where I need to be.

The deep spiritual work I have accomplished for the past two decades has taught me that there is no one day where I will wake up..totally enlightened, spiritually focused with a healthy mind and body that will never be troubled again by the mundane issues of this physical life. The bad news is the challenges of being human in this physical plane are ongoing until it is our time to leave this physical plane. We will always be subject to the limitations.

The good news is: when we become aware of our deeper Self, our connection with "The Source of All That Is", we can learn to navigate this slippery plane in better ways. We can find that part of us that "Knows" We will have tools to help us work with our greatest adversary, ourselves. We can see beyond the illusions of personality, beyond the fear, anxiety and confusion that shapes so much of our collective society's personality.

My goal everyday is to put myself in "The Flow" of life. The Flow deep inside me that I can sense with my heart and deeper Self. If I wake up with a troubled mind, my first task is to get a hold of myself, process my discomfort and sense the flow. When I get myself in "The Flow" things begin to fall in place as they are meant to be. I am calmer inside and my ego/emotional/mind chatter is quieter.

The ways of getting there are varied. Meditation, of course, is a good one. Reiki or other forms of 'energy healing" methods. Another one for me is to go outside, work on my yard, walk around and look at weeds with my dog. When I do this I become so focused on what I am doing it switches my perspective. I work until I become aware that I am very tired, covered in sweat and thirsty. Another one is to use my stationary bike, do yoga and dance around the house.

There are days when my mind/emotions/ego are so troubled that I cannot effectively process what I am feeling. I am too distracted to sit still. Movement and total focus helps me break through this barrier. After I have expended some of this nervous energy I am more receptive to sitting quietly for a meditation or a Reiki Treatment. I am in "the Flow" and my troubled mind is eased. I seem to know my way a bit clearer. My life force begins to flow more evenly. The stuck places become unstuck.

Every second I spend in "The Flow" is healing and uplifting to my mind, body and spirit. I am there now and it feels great. Are all my life issues solved? No...however my troubled mind is eased, my heart is open and my life force is circulating well. I have faith that everything I need will come in the best time for the greatest good.

The Big Unexpected and Sometimes Scary Adventure

Recovered, Replenished and Redirected


Did I mention adventure in my last entry? Oh My God! Anything I was upset about in that last post was blown out of the window by the new situation that literally blew in. It started on Friday, June 29 with a big wind and a storm that came out of nowhere with no warning. It lasted maybe 15 minutes and it wiped out the power and everything else.

I had no idea that this storm would be the beginning of an ordeal that lasted 9 days. And there are people here who still do not have power.

It was a strange nine days. The heat was unrelenting. The focus of life was gas, ice and water. I was forced to throw out everything in our freezer and refrigerator. Not enough ice.
I stood in lines for ice and water from the National Guard, went to cooling shelters for meals and respite. (After I found some gas available to buy) I washed clothes by hand, cooked on a campstove, making dinners out of things stored in my pantry. I basically lived on my back porch for the duration because the house was stifling.

The heat and uncertainty of things were so intense that I had problems sleeping at night. I wasn't scared, surprisingly, just unable to sleep.

However, I meditated for long periods of time. Strangely enough, so many things seem clearer. Some things that were becoming clearer were totally unveiled.



I made yet another startling realization that I may not want to practice nursing in the usual way any longer. I no longer feel as though I want to treat and nurse physical symptoms in the usual way. I want to be a nurse of the whole enchilada....body, mind and spirit. I so firmly believe in the connection between these parts of us that all are necessary to wellness and health. I believe we can have physical afflictions and still be healthy.

I believe it is all about the Life Force and the circulation of this life force through our bodies and aura that is as vital as blood to our being. I believe that our sense of health and well being comes from this life force, optimal circulation to avoid "energy clots" and raising the vibrational frequency of our life force.


I have come to "know" that we, as humans, our driven by our emotions and ego. That will not change, it is part of who we all are. I "know" that our emotions and ego are merely trying to "help" us in this physical world but are not capable of making the best decisions for us. The ego/emotional combination is wired for the purpose of grasping onto to immediate gratification and solutions to what we perceive as problems. Our brain is tied to this and works with the ego/emotions to make logic out of our desire to avoid fear, anxiety.

It is our heart center that is the intersection of the totality of our being. It is the place where our wisdom comes from. A place where we connect our physical body with Life Force and wisdom that is not born of this physical plane in this life span but a culmination of learned experiences and knowledge that we acquire with each life span.

If we acknowledge and increase our awareness of this, then we can successfully work with our ego/emotions and brain to further our life here in this plane in this life span. Once we recognize that what we need and truly want comes from the heart we can connect it to our ego/emotions and brain we can begin to see what is really important.



The heart is the true mind of the being and it will show us the way to our truest flow in this life. It wlll lead us step by step to what we need to do, where we need to be. It is the seat of our truest inspiration and gifts. It is the pinnacle of our health and well-being.


I can truly see how we attract and repel things in our life. How our brain, on it's own, along with the ego/emotional duo are here to fulfill our thoughts. It will try to manifest what we think, whether it is good or not so good for us. But when we connect it consciously with our heart, and deliberately acknowledge our life force, circulate it through our aura and body with the deliberate intent on raising the frequency of our energy vibration, we are automatically able to direct our energy and thoughts to the flow and direction of life that we need to be in to fulfill our needs and purpose. We are led into the direction not blindly groping for our way.


Whew. So this is a deepening step for me. To process my anxiety about working and what I should do...by allowing myself to feel the anxiety without putting a reason for it. To continue to work with my life force to deliberately connect all parts of me and take one step at a time in the direction I am led. "To Do without Doing, To Know without Understanding Why"

It is interesting to note that during those nine days of what appeared to be a prison of heat and discomfort I was freed to see these things more clearly than ever before. And during this time I received two phone calls of people requesting Reiki attunements. I am in the process of getting a class together now and constructing a class plan.

I also had several requests for Reiki Treatments during those days without power. Most people have not ever heard of Reiki where I live now. It happened at a cooling shelter 5 days into the ordeal. A lady who knows me and knows I do Reiki was there and asked me to give her Reiki. There were people watching and several of them wanted to try it too, because the lady I was giving it to was well known to them.

I spent this week (after the power came back on) catching up on sleep, getting my house in order, replenishing the fridge and freezer, catching up on laundry and cleaning up the mess from the trees in my yard that blew down. I am recovering from the physical aspects of the ordeal caused by lack of electricity. Those long and sweltering nights I spent alone in the deepest darkness should have been terrifying.

But honestly deep down, below the surface of me, I feel replenished and redirected somehow. It feels like I was on some kind of primitive spiritual retreat.



Everything takes time and I can see, in retrospect, that I have been working towards a deep and purposeful need for a while, step by step. Beginning with my urge to move here and give up conventional nursing and take up "traditional" nursing. What does all this mean? It means that now I know when I grow up I want to be a "Granny Woman". The most basic but effective healers, natural apothecaries and seers of other levels of life.

I guess every once in a while I get side tracked and am caught up in my frustration about things that appear to be in my way. Once again I was a witness to how fast things can change and what happens to things we take for granted. I used the time to strengthen my connection with what is real and important to me.

I am recovered, replenished and redirected

Reminder to self: Life is an Adventure

I am feeling a bit put out with life in general today. A little discouraged, disillusioned and confused with a dash of anger to add to the mix. Why?? It really doesn't matter. I know what the trigger is but to be honest, it isn't big enough on it's own to inspire this wave of discontent.

I have been trying to get into a local herbal medicine class since last February. I have jumped through all the hoops, signed the papers, gone to all the pre-class interviews etc. I was told as soon as there were enough students, the class would start. I dutifully called every two weeks to find out when and if the class would be starting. I was always told, "not yet, but soon, maybe in a couple of weeks."

Well finally they called and told me to come and fill out another application and take an introductory class. So I did. After arriving there I found out that a class had started in April and was just now finishing up. What??? How could that be???

At first I was stunned, then frustrated and confused...and then I became angry. I processed it all...allowed myself to feel it. And yes, I even cried about it. (After I got home, of course)
I am savvy enough to know enough about myself now, to recognize my reaction is not just about this discovery. It is a trigger for long buried reactions, responses, emotions that I repressed. Add the "insolence of my ego" into the mix, and you have a recipe for exaggerating the impact of this oversight.

I would like to say I am over it. I know it sounds like a small thing to react so strongly to but it was a very important step for me. However, after processing the flood of emotions that swept over me because of this, I find that the initial intensity has faded a lot.

In fact, I am now in a place where I can hear my inner self saying, "everything happens for a reason, in it's own way and in it's own cycle". I believe it. I have done everything I can do to be available for this class when it comes up again and now I will just move along with my own projects. Keeping my eyes and heart open. Who knows what could come along.

I have no idea what could happen next or what I could find. What I do know is this: I do not want bog myself down agonizing over being overlooked for the class. I don't want to be held down and captive by my emotions and my ego over any issue. I want to process the things that bother me, learn from it, release it and move forward. I want to see what could happen next.

I want to continue proving to myself that life is an adventure, not a prison sentence.

Observation

It's been over a week since I last wrote. It's not that I didn't want to or I ran out of things to say. No, indeed. After a few unsuccessful attempts to write here, it finally occurred to me that I am not supposed to right now. I am in "Observation" mode.

What am I scrutinizing and studying so closely? I am observing life patterns. Particularly mine.
Things that I had done unconsciously for years and years, I am noticing. I believe it is helping me approach healing in a more effective manner

Life here in the physical plane, in this country, is in the process of change. The change started long ago but it's like anything else. We will hang on to the old ways through tooth and nail. It reminds me of trying to stay in a house that is getting ready to fall. Held together with duct tape and wire. Sometimes we need to just let go of the old ways, walk out of that tumbling down house and stop trying to hold the old ways together.

Of course, it is stressful to move out of comfort zones...but the fear and anxiety that is generated from trying desperately to keep things the "way they were" causes way more stress in the long run. I am no different than everyone else except I have had some experience with drastic changes.

I never get used to it..but I have started to recognize some of the signs that life, as I know it, is changing..faster and faster. Now it is happening on a larger scale.

Life as we knew it, in this country, is over. The foundations we believed in..the trust that we had of those in positions of power to work for the good of all was just a huge illusion. Like the Tower card in the Tarot...A flash of insight reveals the painful but necessary truth. The longer we try and hold the illusions together, we are only deluding ourselves and prolonging the inevitable.

We are all responsible for our own well being. And scary as this all sounds, it is best to know the truth. It is best to face it, process it and then see things for the way they really are here. Observe the situation and then proceed, one step at a time.

Issues of Healing

I am all about healing. First for my own self healing and the healing of others. Healing is a primary focus for me now. Especially emotional healing. I have found that many of my physical ailments are rooted in unresolved, repressed and unprocessed emotions. I can see that this is the case for most of us.

As a nurse in a clinical setting, my primary focus has to be clinically appropriate and that means I follow doctor's orders, assess patients in a scientific way and monitor conditions. It is becoming more difficult for me to do patient care in this way. In my mind it compartmentalizes and focuses only on the physical body instead of treating the whole body, mind and spirit. It is beginning not to make much sense to me.

My healing modalities of choice are: Reiki, Auric Circulation and Cleansing, Chakra Cleansing and Balancing, Meditation, Plant Medicine and Shamanic Healing. There are more but these I have been formally trained or I am in the process of receiving formal training for.

Reiki and Meditation are the methods I use the most. The other ones I mentioned are much more involved and require more time for planning and delivery.

I actually have a small Reiki practice...and yes, I even do long distance treatments for people who call me and ask me to.

While my clinical practice as a nurse and my practice as an energy healer are different in procedure and structure; the two things that are the same for both practices.


First and foremost: I only give treatment to those who have requested the treatment and gave permission for it.

Second and as important as the first one: I guard the privacy of my clients in both settings and that means I regard the treatment I give, any information about the client that I know because of giving treatment to be privileged and very confidential.

These two things are very important to me in both of my practices, morally and ethically.


Years ago when I began learning about Reiki and receiving my attunements for each level; I was amazed at how subtle yet soothing Reiki felt. I wanted to Reiki everyone and everything. I thought it would be good for everyone.

I didn't do this because in my very first Reiki class, the teacher spent an enormous amount of time explaining that a practitioner never gives a treatment without the potential recipient's direct request for Reiki and permission to treat. No matter how beneficial the treatment would be for the person, it would be ethically or morally incorrect without permission.

I have strictly observed this from the beginning of my Reiki practice. Even though at first I didn't understand. Now, I have a clearer knowing of why this is important. People have their reasons for not wanting Reiki or other types of "energy" healing. That is their right. It is not for me or anyone else to decide for them.


Privacy issues are very important as well. When giving any type of "energy" healing to someone, it affects them on every level. Physical, Emotional and Etheric. A lot of times emotions are released during a treatment and the client will cry, become angry or need to talk about issues that they have buried for years. The client needs to trust and know the practitioner will respect and honor the confidential nature of the treatment and all it entails.


I feel the trust and respect between the practitioner and the client is one of the basis of a successful and beneficial treatment.

My Personal Case Study on Working The Formula for Emotional Control

Since we moved to West Virginia, my "husband to be", life partner (I am just too damned old to have a boyfriend..lol) has been the main provider of our income. He took a job that involves a lot more hours, working at night and makes less than a third of what he made in Virginia.

The only time he complains is when they mess with his schedule or he has to drive on roads that are nearly impassable. There are times when he will work 10-14 (12-14 hour) shifts in a row. He does it. But they messed up again. This time they did NOT even put him on the schedule for this week until Sunday.

When something like this happens, first and foremost, he cannot sleep when he gets home. He is very stressed because of the lack of hours. He looks troubled and is listless while he tries to figure out what to do about the problem.

When I was younger I would have stepped in and started throwing around all kinds of directives and advice. I don't do that anymore. I just try to ride the thin line of being supportive while he figures things out, give my opinion if he asks for it..and try to curb my own anxiety. Cause it affects me, too.

My mind s running with unkind thoughts of the managers scheduling like this. It is ludicrous. But I hold my tongue and process my anxiety and frustration..and yes..fear...so I do not add to the anxiety pool building fast around my guy.

I am sending Reiki to the situation with the intent of having a solution found for the greatest good for all concerned. I am giving him Reiki to help him stay calmer while he thinks about how to approach this newest problem.

I am all the while observing this situation. And what happens to people when a stressor that could effect the rhythm of life in the physical appears.

Is this really important and detrimental enough to cause such a strong reaction and response? Part of me thinks not. The deep, detached and otherworldly part of me.

The part of me that is connected to the physical world...speaks for itself and it reacts. I think the reactions are as a result of seeing the stressor as a threat. ???

I will use the formula for emotional control to test it.:

The stimulus is my partner's schedule indicates he is not working all of next week except for Sunday.

Perception: this is perceived as a potentially problematic situation

Interpretation: this is interpreted as a threat to our finances (which are whittled down and wobbly at best) and the double issue is it appears to affect my partner's self esteem? or maybe his ego? I am not sure..he takes this personally, regardless which one it affects.

Reaction: This is the point the feelings engage. My partner feels upset and unable to sleep. He is quiet and when he does talk he verbalizes how there are no other jobs around here and we are going down the tubes.

Response: His face becomes grimmer and grimmer. Lack of sleep is starting to show. He has escalated from a little worried over a possibly minor issue and it is now a major life threatening issue in his mind.

Action: He begins frantically looking in the paper and online for other jobs and going through his vast hockey card collection to start selling on ebay.

At some point, I believe after working through this process repeatedly, he will just call his supervisor and discuss the matter. That's what he always does..and it works until the next time.

As for me...my stimulus is his reaction to his stimulus.

My perception is two fold...this could be a financial problem and he is very upset.
(It is at this point I believe "Emotional Contagion" really takes hold.)


My interpretation is ..geez I am going to have to go back to working as a nurse in a facility full time again. What are we going to do?

At the response part...I begin to get a hold of myself and start to Reiki the situation. And ask my Guidance to help me process any of my emotional discomfort about this. If I have plans for the day ..it usually gets condensed. It seems that times like these kind of steal my motivation.


My reaction is to remain calm and go about the necessities of life.

My action is to continue processing the discomfort this type of thing brings..and observe it..utilizing the State of Acceptance. Go within, strengthen my auric field and circulate my energy.

That's my plan for this troubled day...

I can see it is a big deal to my partner..and it has an effect on me because I don't like to see him upset.

This is so interesting to me. I am going to watch these times a bit closer.

Wow, while I was writing this, my partner finally got on the phone, called his work and asked what the problem was. It was a mistake. An oversight.

Look how this changed the course of our day and it was a mistake. How many times as humans do we become so distraught over things like this only to find out it is not a big deal.
Most of our reaction has to be how we perceive an event, action, situation or words.


I am amazed at the nature of humans. We are so intricately wired and yet so resilient. But it makes me wonder how many times do we actually cause ourselves to suffer needlessly? hmmmmm..

Adventures of Hedral

I am not young and I have a LOT of life experience under my belt. However, there are some things that I have not done yet. I did two of these things today.

This morning before I left for work, my partner loaded up three boxes of glassware that I have stored for a couple of years now. I don't want it but it belonged to my mother and my sister. Both of which have already exited this physical plane and moved on to the next level. And that alone made these things hard to part with. But how long am I going to keep them in the closet?? Really?

After work I headed to Beckley and went to a consignment store. Now I have been an avid fan and shopper of consignment stores but never have I taken merchandise in to sell. Today I did. It was interesting...and I think I like the idea.

The second thing I did today that I have never done before..was use a self checkout at Walmart for more than three things..I had a cart full...Now I seem to have some issue when I have only one or two items..but a weeks worth of grocery shopping..omg.

It was hilarious..Thanks Be the Walmart guy assisting in this area was so patient. But I did it. And I got it now. I learned the basics...Don't put your purse in the bagging area..it messes up everything...do not put items directly from the scanner into the cart...that also messes up the computer...

I am tired but happy tonight. I know how two more things of man made illusion work.

I mean I agree with my Guides..about not becoming a part of the Big Illusion..but it helps to know how to work the illusion.

New Endeavors

I have had a fairly busy week. Busy in good and healthy ways. I started out kind of slow and then the pace picked up. It's fine as long as I don't become stubbornly focused on self imposed deadlines. As long as I can stay in my "own flow" while accomplishing things.

Tomorrow I am going to do something I have never done in my life. I have huge amounts of household items. There is no way I would ever use this stuff. I already gave one salvation truck load..(and I mean loaded)..away to Salvation Army. I have 11 or 12 boxes full of things. Mostly ceramic and glass items. They are so pretty but how many do I need?? My mother treasured these things. But I need the room and I have my own taste. My daughter has already chosen the things she wants to keep. My son is not interested in decorative glassware and ceramics. No matter how old they are.

These boxes are sitting in my living room. They gotta go. That's for sure. I thought about selling the stuff at a flea market. But, honestly, I need help lugging this stuff and my little car is not big enough to haul enough to make it worthwhile. My "husband to be" cannot do it because he works long, long hours all week. Especially the weekends. I am not whining but I don't know anyone here that would be interested or able to help me haul this stuff.

I thought about advertising in the "Mountain Trader". But I am a bit leary about total strangers coming to my house. I moved here from an area that you simply could not risk that. It imprinted on me. Same with a garage sale. I simply can't imagine strange people milling around my house and garage. It is unsettling to me. Yeah, I got baggage about this..I can see it.

Then I considered E-bay..or Amazon. But sending each piece through the mail would be a pain.

I decided to try Consignment stores. The deal is with cosignment is if they agree to sell your stuff..they keep 40percent and you get 60 percent. Fair enough.

I go tomorrow with a few boxes of my stuff to have them assess whether they would be interested in selling them or not. Today I will resort and get boxes ready that I can carry easily. I am kind of excited. I decided to add some glass snack plates from the 60's. The kind that have a cup holder..and an accompanying delicate little cup.

I remember my mother using those when I was a little girl. Back in the day when ladies got together for a meetings, Tupperware and Stanley parties, card parties etc...they dressed up.
I mean stockings, gloves, dresses and high heels. It was kind of glamorous. Ok..back to the subject at hand.


I am kind of excited about this. I only made one appointment. I may try some others. 60 percent of something that is laying around collecting dust and will either get given away or broken?? Works for me. If that works I would like to sell a couple of chairs and get a Futon for my little sitting/meditation room. And I need a new vacuum cleaner.

If I had no duct tape the handle would fall off. My partner keeps telling me to go and get a new one..but I want it to be a trade off. I sell some things I don't need and will never use and buy some things I want.

I am off of work today. Soo..my goals are: 1)Continue working on my continuing education units so I can renew my nursing license 2)go through the boxes to pick out and repack what I plan to take with me tomorrow after I get out of work. (I had to make an appointment for them to check my stuff out.)3) I need to continue cutting the yard. 4) Make dinner for my love before he heads out for another 14 hour day. There is more like planting the herbs sprouts I am growing on the porch. Cut the old blooms off my rose bushes. And yeah, as always, clean the house.

But trying to cram too much to stay on some kind of schedule is not going to work for me. I learned that from the last two weeks. I didn't move here to keep up the patterns I had in Virginia. I will pick two or three things that are the most important..and the rest will wait.

Ok..That's all I have to say for now. Except that I am feeling much better. Gotta get to work now.

Pacing Myself With Eyes Wide Open

I believe I am moving into another cycle. The last week or two was a bit difficult but definitely eye opening. My "living pattern" was disrupted. First by an interruption in my job, then there was major trouble with my partner's place of employment and to top it all off..his truck broke down. We managed to move through all of that. I was determined not to let that slow me down. Then I injured my leg. That was even more difficult but I hobbled along still determined not have my routine inhibited by it.

Then I came down with a nasty stomach virus on top of it all..That was it! I had to just lay there with a throbbing knee and a stomach that would not stop churning and emptying itself. Ugh...And I was forced to take a deep breath and see where I was and think about what had been happening.

I realize that in this physical plane..stuff happens. However, this was so concentrated that I could kind of see a pattern. They were not devastating catastrophe's but a series of events that appeared to escalate every time I tried to ignore the obstacles and just move around it. Until I was facing a huge road block.

There was nothing left to do but to face myself. What was I missing? What was my Inner Guidance trying to show me. I took a deep breath and made the decision to just surrender to this time and see what I needed to see. I stopped trying to keep up with all of my self imposed tasks and deadlines. I just let go. For three days I basically did nothing but meditate, give myself Reiki.

Even though physically I did not feel so good, inside or out I noticed that when I made the decision to surrender to the stand still...I felt a distinct sense of relief as I just relaxed into the events that had occurred. I begin to sense The Flow again, moving in a slightly different direction. I observed it, allowed myself to feel it and follow it with my mind, body and spirit.

I slowed down and let my body decide when it was ready to move. It's amazing because two days after I decided to do this...(I was a captive audience by then)..things began to fall in place. External events began to resolve in ways that were better than I could believe. I was amazed. Then I noticed I was beginning to feel better physically. I eased back in to my life with The Flow..yesterday I began noticing a huge influx of energy coursing through me..my heart center was open and flowing freely. Today I am really starting to feel good. My pace and rhythm has picked up. However, I am mindful to observe and sense my direction and where I am in the Now.

I now choose Not to get so caught up in the patterns of my life that I lose sight of my Inner Flow. For that is where I need to be. I want my eyes wide open to see where I am.

The State of Acceptance and The Day to Day Process

Things feel a bit more settled and I feel less uncomfortable. Everything here pretty much came to a standstill...I struggled against my own current and it just did not work out.

I am still trying to see what direction I am headed...I feel a pull and a rising "assurance"
deep inside me. I pretty much had to just stop my routines, physical goals, intended productivity etc and take a good long look at myself. I was pretty much forced to put myself in a State of Acceptance. Which included acknowledging that physically I hurt all over, my routines were systematically dismantled. I needed to stop all activity to sense and observe the subtle patterns emerging. From there, I began taking tiny baby steps..minute by minute.

I am still not entirely in "The Flow", however, I am closer to it. My focus right now is on "Meditation'.

Ramblings, Streams of Consciousness and Heading Down the Rabbit Hole

I don't know what I am doing right now. Everything feels different, strange and even alien to me. My environment is the same as it has been since I moved here. My body isn't working the way I would like and I don't feel so good, physically or emotionally.

It's like getting up one morning and looking over the landscape..it appears the same but feels strange. Like something has been moved or added without my noticing. My patterns are disorientated. The harder I try and continue with my usual routine the more it falls apart.

As much as I expound on living in the Now..and avoiding emotionally based ruts and structures..erm...well..it appears that I have did the very thing I always write about not doing. Hanging on to things as they pass out of my life...or..I am hanging on as I am separated from my physical life, concerns and structures and I go down into the rabbit hole that is the world inside me.

My body is in pain and the more I try to "fix" it..more things pop up..until I notice I am being given not so subtle nudges inward. I surrender to it. I am not giving up...giving in...I am surrendering to the call that I can't ignore. I have no idea where it is taking me..but I am going.

I feel such a strong trust in the calling that even if it was calling me out of this world..and my physical body permanently, I would go...without hesitation.

These are strange times for me. I don't know what else to say.

Moving Along

Once again, I am so thankful for the things my Guidance has shown me over the years for coping and working through things. They work..amazingly well.

Things are not all "fixed" or resolved but I am in the flow. Yesterday I made the decision to get a hold of myself and focus on the step by step process to clear my thinking and process the anxiety and it worked. I was able to take necessary steps and actually the whole thing became more manageable.

My partner calmed down because I did. He went on to do what he needed to do..(go to work)..I took actions to explore the issue and that little problem..(and yes that big insurmountable issue actually ended up being an easily solved little problem) was solved today. Amazing!

We almost made ourselves sick in anticipation of what we "thought" would happen. Today, before he went to work, my partner and I were actually laughing over what a huge deal we made over it at first. Then we just went ahead and did what we needed to do..and that particular dilemma is behind us. Oh there is more..but it's a step by step process.

I told him that I was hopeful that this taught us a really important lesson. Not to anticipate that everything is a big ax hanging over our head ready to chop our life into pieces. I am really beginning to see how dilemmas in our physical/emotional lives actually can expand and teach us vital and valuable lessons that actually enhance us on all levels.

Times like these push us out of any ruts, comfort zones, false sense of security we may be too nestled in.

Well, right now I have a list of things waiting to push us past any kind of rut or comfort zone. It's not easy but in the long run, it's a good thing. And I am thankful!

UGH

11:am

Things are still a bit difficult at this moment. Hmmmmm...it appears to be piling up a bit. Nothing truly devastating or catastrophic has occurred. However, it is adding up to be a bit of a dilemma. At least in this physical world. This, of course, effects the emotional world. And in that sense, it feels like a crushing weight.

Right now I am sitting here trying to think past my usual box, past my frustration and anxiety about the best course to take to fix something that has broken down. Something that my partner and I depend on everyday. Something that seems to break down a lot and that I am getting fed up with. But we need this object at this time.

My ego is chiming in nonstop. Self satisfied and sarcastic..reminding me that no matter how spiritually I am focused, I can not fix this dilemma with a blink and a wrinkle of my nose like Samantha..(from Bewitched fyi). I wish. But I will not be bullied by an overbearing ego. I will get that under control once I wrestle with my emotions which are trying to convince me to throw my hands up to the air and wallow in the floor crying and whining. Actually shrieking is what my emotions want to do. *sigh*

If I sound upset and discouraged, you ought to see my partner. He looks stunned, bewildered, totally overwhelmed and frustrated. And that is an understatement.

Ok..well..I do know this...emotions and ego tend to exaggerate everything that happens that is uncomfortable. So I know once I process through the haze of frustration stirred up by my ego and emotions..I will be able to discern this issue more clearly.



1:30
I am calmer now. I ran some errands and pulled my act together. I still don't know exactly what to do. However, I am more open to available options. In fact, I am open to the options that are for the greatest good. Underneath this swarm of anxiety and fearful wasp like buzzing inside me, I have deep faith that our actions will lead to the most favorable outcome.

Right now I am taking care of a couple of other dilemmas that have popped up at the same time.

I have given myself Reiki, circulated my aura, went through the steps of Acceptance, processed my emotions, did some exercises, ran some errands and now at least I feel I can breath and move forward. The next step was a prayer of gratitude for all the blessings we do have and a request for help in these difficult situations we face.

We will get through this. Like my best friend's husband always says, "It's like a bad cold. It is miserable, you can't escape it but it will run it's course."

Yikes..New Learning Experiences

Well, here I go again. I am on a new learning experience right now. And it is not going very smoothly. *sigh* Now I know I am not the sharpest being in the galaxy but really? I mean I have been around the proverbial block and across the street several times.

I should be able to handle these new dilemmas with one hand tied behind my back. A piece of cake, right? The first and most important thing that comes to mind as I enter this new doorway..is..The more I learn ..it just shows me how little I really know.

But all is not lost. I am fairly well prepared. I have tools that will work in any dilemma..This I trust. A really good friend told me something one time..There are some situations that come along in life that are like bad colds. There is nothing you can do to hurry it..Just get through the misery one day at a time..It is so true..and some of the best lessons my Guides have taught me in just this way. It is the difficult times that I get through that teaches me how to live better.

I will get through this..I am just a wee bit confused, bewildered..and ok damn it, I am scared.
Well..I am all about legitimizing how I feel about things..but in saying that..scared or not..it's time to man up, pull my big girl pants on..and get to steppin through this doorway.

Update from the Twilight Zone

Yeah, that's what it feels like. The "Twilight Zone". But not in a bad way. It's been a fast moving week with lots of changes and surprises. Some were good and some not so wonderful. The good news is I am able to move with it, observe the things happening as they occur with minimal obsessing or attempts to fix. On the whole, for the most part, I observed while moving through the days, events and situations.

I was involved yet not reacting to things as they unfolded. Since I have been known to grab on to events and situations and chew them over like a dog with a bone; this was a huge realization for me. It's kind of difficult to put this into words.

It appears that my conscious decision to process all uncomfortable feelings is catching on inside me. It is almost automatic now and it allows me to perceive situations and events with a teensy more objectivity. Which means no meltdown for me..Yay!

Sooo...here is how it is working for me. Something happens that looks like a big mess or obstacle. I catch myself immediately and begin acknowledging and processing the uncomfortable feelings these things tend to bring. Simultaneously I am observing the impact the event or situation has on my immediate environment. And because I am not rolling in the floor with a major temper tantrum or having a huge panic attack, I can ask my Guidance for assistance in dealing with the situation if the situation requires intervention of any kind.

Eureka..conduction really does work. It is resistance that makes me freak out.

I tried to explain my big realization to my partner. (Who pointedly asked me how I can stay so calm when things are falling apart) He looked at me with concern and said, Oh Sweetie, that's good" And then he added," You are so cute." He did everything but pat me on the head.

Oh well..I know it works..

I know I have been here before but it feels like new territory.

I am in the midst of, yet another, strange phase. I don't know what precipitated this, where it came from or why it is. It actually started around the time of the last full moon. I don't know that the "Super Moon" had anything to do with this. It is the time this new cycle kind of crept up on me.

The date is clear to me because there was so much publicity about the "super moon".

At first I , of course, caught myself resisting. It felt uncomfortable and a lot of things were happening in the physical life surrounding me as well as my "inner" life. Once I became aware of my resistance I began to "conduct" instead. And by that I mean I just allowed the discomfort to rise up in me and move through me as I observed it.

I found out some interesting things about myself.

I am not as adaptable as I thought I was. My daily "schedule" was changed because of things happening. I realized that even now I subconsciously attempt to construct patterns to live by for a false sense of security. Eye opener! I and the insolence of my ego thought I was way beyond that. Ha! No..evidently not.

The second thing I learned is that I am more knowledgeable about certain things in the physical plane than I thought. In fact, I am knowledgeable enough to actually help other people. How in the heck did my big fat ego miss that??

I don't believe in coincidence..I do however, believe in synchronicity. All I know is from the last full moon until now...there have been multiple episodes of people looking to me for advice about navigating the health care system along with other health related issues. Hmmmm..I thought I put that all behind me but nope.

At first I was reluctant and tried to just be a good listener. But after the third person contacted me asking me for advice..I knew my Guidance was behind this and I quit sitting on the fence and got busy.

And it appears that the things I know (from my experience as a nurse) mixed with the wisdom my Guidance gave me ..assists me to give good solid objective guidance. In every instance the outcome was improved because of my guidance and advice. That is really hard for me to put here. Because of all the concentrated effort I have made to work with my ego. This smacks of gross egotism yet..it isn't..It is an acknowledgement from my total being.

My ego was actually in the background whispering,"don't get involved with this..you could be wrong". (as if that was a fate worse than death

This plus a big change in my routine..kind of shook me out of the pattern I was obviously trying to erect. And as I said before I realize now that even subconsciously I am attempting to construct patterns and ruts to feel secure. Like ground under my feet. Well, I "know" in the deepest place of my knowing that the kind of security I am talking about and striving for does not exist in this physical world. It exists within me. So this was a good reminder..uncomfortable yes...but good.

I need to be reminded of things sometimes. Taken back to places I have been for a review and a reminder of sorts.

I am not exactly sure how to put everything I learned into words..but when I do..I will definitely write it.

For now I am working on breaking up any more "thought and energy" structures I have attempted to construct in my life to make me feel more secure. Those don't really work and they end up being a self imposed prison. I truly want to feel enough trust in my "Self" and my Guidance not to need to rely on a false sense of security.

My Reverence, Gratitude and Trust for "My Guidance"

As anyone who reads this blog can tell. Healing of the psyche, emotions and spirit is the direction that I move in. It is the passion of my life. My prime focus. What is my motivation for this? Well, it is myself.

I am sure I have mentioned several times in this blog that at one time I pretty much collapsed under a crushing load of stress, caregiver burnout, nursing burnout, exhaustion. The ravages of this caused a myriad of almost debilitating dysfunction; which included, insomnia, frequent panic attacks, major depression. At one time I was on 8 different medications just to function. I also saw a psychiatrist and two counselors. The psychiatrist to manage my medication, one counselor for depression and another for grief counseling. The only reason I was not hospitalized is because

1) I was not suicidal. I just wanted to go to sleep for a while til the pain and the conditions of my life changed.

2) I was able to function with some effectiveness as long as I was taking the medication. I was able to manage everything on my plate at least minimally. Enough to get by.

Sadly, this effected my quality of being a mother for my daughter and my son. I was there for them, my love for them was immeasurable but my ability to really present and effective for them was impaired. My son graduated from high school and left for college at this time. But my daughter still needed my full attention, guidance and support. And I was not able to live up to that. I am still working through the guilt of this..but that is ongoing and I am making progress.

3) If I were hospitalized then I could not take care of my husband..or support he and my children financially. (A lot of this time I was working two jobs as a nurse, one full time and one part time.)

I don't have regrets about seeking treatment from traditional external sources. Even in the depths of the pit I was trying to claw my way out. And I sought help in ways were traditional in this society. Yes, the medication did raise my serotonin level. And the counseling at the very least, gave me a couple of hours every week to acknowledge what I was going through.

But at some point My Guidance kicked in. I guess I prayed enough for help. Fast forward to the Now. I am like a different person.

Like many who realize that their Spirituality is the thing that will save them, I wonder why I did not turn to that in the first place.

But in desperation I did turn to my Spirituality. I focused on it like a drug addict focuses on their next fix. Like an alcoholic on their next drink. Like a drowning person clinging to a life preserver. That is how desperately focused I was.

Step by step, My Guidance led me out of that place. Teaching me about myself, about emotions, the ego, and the majesty of the heart. I was able to drop the medication one by one. Helping me balance myself and rearrange things, sometimes in painful yet necessary ways.

I regained my passion for life. A passion I was sure had died permanently. I did crazy things at times but I see now that I needed to shock my self into living. To live rather than just exist. Step by step I was led to the healing disciplines that would help me.

This process opened me up to so much more than I ever dreamed. My empathy for my fellow humans has increased a thousand fold.

My children are healthy, creative and living well despite my ineffectual parenting during that time. And the biggest blessing of all, they both not only love me deeply but have great respect for me.

I have grown from a desperate kind of attachment to My Guidance, God or Source, to a kind of Revered partnership. The reverence and total trust exhibited by me, of course.

I have learned so much about the "human condition". I am, by no means, an expert. However, I know that healing comes from within. If we are strong and healthy inside, we can handle external problems, catastrophes much better.

I have also learned that no matter how healthy we are inside, we will always be subject to fear, guilt, anxiety, anger, resentment..etc..The human part of us is wired that way through the emotions/ego. No matter how enlightened, grateful, loving, devout etc..we are..there will never be a day on this physical plane that we wake up permanently free of these feelings. It is part of the "human condition"

Knowing this is freeing. It's how we process these feelings that come up, not how to banish them forever.

So when you feel afraid, anxious, resentful, angry. It's ok..we are at least partially human. Just remember to be aware and acknowledge what you are feeling.. Legitimize the discomfort by allowing them to move through you with the intent to process. Conduct rather than resist these feelings, do not try to push them away, or connect them to a possible trigger.

And above all..Love yourself and Be Thankful.

Mind, Body and Spirit Connection For Continued Healing

It is 10:00 am., the sun is shining and I believe it will be in the upper 60's today.
I slept in today and it felt pretty good. I only got up because I began to crave coffee. I love morning coffee.

I think my love of coffee and my Guidance kept me going those terrible years. No matter how bad things were, I always had my morning coffee to look forward to.. and my Guidance to give me inner strength to do what I had to do.

Now, I live a totally different life. It has taken some time to really dig in to the emotional healing and fully realize that I no longer live under crushing stress or horrific emotional conditions. I have come so far. It amazes me.

A little over a year I started this blog on Google. Even though I had begun my healing journey way before I moved from Virginia to West Virginia, this year the process appeared to be greatly accelerated.

I think the important thing is to go into your own flow, find ways to invite your body to move around. And move around everyday. It doesn't have to be my little regime or anyone else's. Just move, move something. It feels so good.

My newest focus is how to help myself with physical aches and pains. I have practiced Reiki for years and it is a wondrous discipline to follow. But I am finding that combinations of things along with Reiki are even better. My focus is expanding.

At my age and due to my career choice as a nurse, my knees and back have taken a beating over the years. Also I believe there is always a connection between our physical self and etheric energy self. And that can be affected by the ego/emotional duo.

I have a lot of trouble with my lower back, hips and knees. That could also be from being a bit non-flexible. I don't mean physically..I mean being a bit unbending and rigid emotionally.

I notice the pain travels from place to place. It is usually triggered by the weather, if I step into a small sink hole back up my little hollow while working, if I slip in the mud while down working on the creek or sometimes just because.

It has verying degrees of severity and sometimes it really restricts my ability to move freely. I began to feel frustrated and saddened by it..almost helpless..like there was nothing I could do because I am not having surgery on my back or knees.

So, with the help of my Guidance, I developed a regimen for easing the tension this pain caused in other parts of my body. That was my intent. What a surprise when I realized it was helping the pain causing the stress. Wow! Eureka!

It began with Reiki, of course. I did Usui and Karuna®.

I developed a gentle stretching routine that really eases a lot of body stress caused by pain. Mostly some basic yoga that helps strengthen my core (solar plexus). These are easy enough and the time spent short enough that I actually look forward to doing it. Because it feels so good.

I also do some upper body exercises with some weights. Which is helping my upper body strength. Which seems to be giving me a bit more strength in my back.

After this I have a Nordic Track stationery bike that I use. I have to do this twice a day because at this point my knees cannot tolerate more than 6 minutes at a time. However, I am able to increase the resistance twice during that 6 minutes. I practice deep breathing while I do this.

Last week I visited a friend of mine in Hinton. She did an intuitive reading for me. (she is very good, I think I mentioned her in one of my blogs) One of the things she told me was that I needed to focus on some of my pressure points. I felt that familiar stirring inside me from my Guidance and I decided to look into it.

Now, I am familiar with the idea of pressure points and how they relate to energy flow within the body but I am no expert. I am a big fan of Massage Therapy, Shiatsu, Acupressure and even Acupuncture. However, my dealings with these disciplines has been limited.

I have worked with Reiki for years and I have my Teacher certificates but the rest of the above mentioned disciplines, I have just brushed on. So, I began to do some research. I found some excellent sources for using basic acupressure on basic pressure points.

I began utilizing this information experimentally last week. Wow, what a difference.

So, I added this to my regimen. Meditation, Reiki, Stretching, Stationary Bike, Acupressure. Along with this I am implementing periods of deep breathing while doing all of these. I have also increased my water intake.

While doing my research, I also found some interesting information on EFT tapping. (Emotional Freedom Technique.) I also tried this out and it was interesting. I felt a definite shift in my energy at the points that I tapped. However, it doesn't really work well for me to do Acupressure and EFT the same day. So I alternate them. One day I do tapping, the next I do some basic acupressure after the above mentioned regimen.

On Friday I hoed a long flower bed for two hours and apart from being just tired from doing it, I was thankful to able to move well enough and have the endurance to accomplish this. I was practically delirious.

I think this last year I have been so engulfed in emotional healing that I have kind of overlooked the importance of the physical connection. Not intellectually but personally if that makes sense. Now it is in the forefront.

My pattern is so easy to follow that I actually look forward to it everyday.

Meditation/Prayer that includes Gratitude
Reiki Treatment
Stretching
Stationary Bike
Acupressure or EFT tapping (alternated)
Walk the dog or just yourself, noticing the trees and plants waking up
Periods of deep breathing
Drinking extra water
Dancing wildly through the house

Yeah, I added that one. I do that a lot. Especially when I am in the house alone. I put on old and new music that I like and dance like a lunatic. It is so much fun.

My husband to be noticed how much easier I was moving and how much better I felt so he asked me to do a "healing treatment" for him.

I plopped him down on my massage table, performed a joint and aura cleansing. Gave him Reiki, Usui and Karuna® and then did some basic acupressure. Well, he fell asleep. It took over an hour. I woke him up afterwards and made him drink a bunch of water. Last night he left for work and didn't say much about how he felt besides thanking me for the treatment.

This morning when he came home, he woke me up to tell me how much better he felt. And asked me to do the whole thing again in a few days.

I have to wrap this up. My body is anxious to get started with the routine.

I will leave you with my favorite song to dance to. It came out in 1965. I was between 5th and 6th grade. I remember dancing around the house like a crazy girl while my mother looked on with a strange and worried look on her face. Ha Ha!

Now when I dance like a crazy girl it is my dog and my cats that watch me with a strange and worried expression.




I think the important thing is to go into your own flow, find ways to invite your body to move around. And move around everyday. It doesn't have to be my little regimen or anyone else's. Just move, move something. It feels so good.

Does it magically fix everything in your life? No, it doesn't. However, it does make me feel so much better than I can handle the obstacles and challenges of life in a healthier way.